The chief scrubbed at the stubborn black substance that covered the vacated apartment’s bathroom floor, wondering if maybe he’d discovered a woman who did something by producing spores, like reproduce or sweat or make his life harder.
“Maybe you’re not the most useless secretary in the world,” Milton the Bastard told the woman, “but if you keep letting those tears hit the floor I’m going to change my mind; now, lean over the ficus and do us all a favor.”
It was a dark and stormy morning and Tammy could practically taste fall in the air.
Every morning, Juan chose to forget his actions the night before and instead spend a few happy morning minutes enjoying the warm glow of proof there was a God and she loved him—a pot of hot fresh coffee which magically appeared at 6:03 a.m.
The rapture took anyone with empty pockets and moths in their wallet.
When the wolf is knocking at the door, don’t assume it will answer truthfully when you ask, “Who’s there?”
Little did he know that he had just walked in to an interview - not for the cashier’s position at Abercrombie & Fitch, but instead the mostly nude model who stands in the front.
Marriage means always telling your wife she is pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
Cats have a pretty damn good life but frankly I am happy bathing myself with my tongue safely in my mouth, thank you very much.
We get it, you graduated from Princeton, but that doesn’t automatically make you the smartest person in the room, although you were taught to think so.
I know the world wouldn’t be a better place if we turned back time and Bruce Jenner decided to have a sex change after winning Olympic gold in the 70s, but at least I’d have better memories of his terrible hairdo.
She looked upon all things and assessed them according to their potential as pie filling, much as in her teenage years everything looked like a potential bong.
Tonight’s special at the Donner Party Cafe is Tea Party Diversity Chitlins, served with fried okra.
All day I have lain in this field of poppies dreaming of Ophelia, above me in the marmalade sky her face peeks out behind cotton candy clouds salaciously winking at me as if to say I will never have her – not if I laid here in this intoxicating field for a million years.
Armed only with a cell phone and carrying a locked case whose combination I didn’t know, I instructed the border guards that I would enter precisely at the time I’d been instructed to enter, then informed the two confused men that they now had roughly five minutes to make the right decision.
What is it about churchgoing Christianity that gives people a license to behave in the most extreme mean and petty ways?
Time stutters and jolts, an eternity in every moment, endlessly repeating Friday afternoon at around 4:30 tick tock tick tock tick tock
Ingredients: standard level enemy, upgrade hatred active ingredients (trolls, flame-wars, queue-jumpers, taxmen) tower (suitable for looming on dark and stormy nights), cape.
“God I hate when I visit and have to pretend the neighbor’s ugly, mean, nasty little kitten is cute; I HATE that cat, and I never thought I’d say that about any cat.”
The older I get, the larger my nose grows.
The Garden of Eden was obviously fraught with peril; if it hadn’t been the snake and the apple, anything could have happened, like poison ivy or lemon juice squirting in their eyes.
At first it seemed disgusting that their god sweated fresh roasted coffee, but once he’d carefully explained to them the convenience of such a miracle, they worshipped him with even greater fervor.
If you sound like a duck, you may also look like a duck, if you look like a duck some people may step away from you when you get too close due to their duck phobias.
If you quack, you sound like a duck.
Flouncy hair does not make you a rarefied beauty.
“It does no one any good if she looks like a strip of crisp bacon.”
With her confirmation to the U.S. Supreme Court, Justice Fantastico’s superhero identity and quotidian identity officially merged, saving her a fortune in stationery costs, although, regrettably, her dry-cleaning bills would remain high.
Check the pear when you get up,
depress a sleepy thumb into the ripening flesh
around the stem
hope for a bruise on the neck,
nope, not today.
This morning Lucky Leprechaun came up to me and said: “Caleb, some days you have to take the good with the bad - the marshmallows with the jesus fish-shaped fiber thingies.”
In Intro. to the Sea Narrative, I learned that ninjas trump pirates every time.
It doesn’t matter how much you rationalise it away, sometimes ire gets the better of you.
As Patsy got older, she realized there were times when the Emperor actually did have clothes, but she was the only one who couldn’t see them.
Some days you forget the face under the mess of beard and Sweet Baby Ray’s Barbecue sauce - on those days it is best to get out of the house.
The person that I think I am, and the person that I actually am are currently at odds with the person that I tell people I am, and let me tell you - it’s going to be a brawl.
I KNOW that baren, a tool used in Japanese print making, is a word - I suspect that you are just jealous, but come on, you didn’t need to mess up my triple word score.
When people meet me, it’s the worst day of their lives.
Even the teller believes a lie if he tells it enough.
“If she’d rather not know, then she shouldn’t go through my pockets and my wallet,” growled Harvey at the bartender, who had perfected the look of sympathy-but-not-necessarily-agreement so critical to his trade.
“Birds are generally not viewed by people as having a great deal of personality or smarts, I believe that because of this perception seeing a bird with human characteristics and personality traits may seem more unusual or even more interesting to a viewer.”
Life is like a summer thunderstorm over Orlando - short, refreshing, and can catch you without an umbrella at the worst of times,
I have at least reached an age that means I am the answer to life, the universe and everything.
I’m sorry that I can’t afford a Ferrari, but that don’t mean I can’t get you there.
I know you want to do more, but it’s over.
He’s much shorter than I expected…I mean, if he really hung the moon, then he should be taller, right?
Every day that I miss you is a another day further away from myself.
I miss you a lot…a little bit…sometimes.
I had a great Scrine in my head on the drive home…
When writing a book about the history of shame, keep in mind that editors are not historians and will undoubtedly have trouble understanding why every chapter must begin with a man with his pants down around his ankles.
I don’t know what it is about the cool night air . . .
doesn’t know what he wants to do next; struts around with his guns concealed in silk shirtsleeves and makes extravagant speeches about his humility, while i sit in the corner and wonder how i’ll feed my children next week.
i’ve joined facebook and now i can’t get out; i feel so ashamed.
There was something like a ‘knock, knock’ on the inside of Mark’s head then opened a little door center of his forehead and a voice said, “Hello, it’s Common Sense; I’m back cause I couldn’t just idly stand by anymore.”
You know, calling yourself ‘the creative type’ does not then exempt you from having to take responsibility for any of your other actions.
The CIA resolutely denies having dumped LSD in my well 20 years ago, but the talking iguana begs to differ.
Perhaps, it was the smell of charred zombie flesh or, maybe, it was due to the vigorous work of killing zombies in the hot sun, but regardless zombie slaying always found Frank craving barbeque when the day’s work was through.
Frank, alarmed over the Weekly World News article reporting that zombies have invaded his favorite Southwestern town, shouted to his friends, “Grab a clean pair of underpants and your flame throwers, we’re going to Albuquerque.”
The stories I tell of my youth feel like they must have occurred in an entirely different universe.
The problem with people is that they get money and emotion mixed up, and they’re never sure what either means.
Like the dinosaurs, the hipsters never learned to whistle, sealing their fate.
It often seems that optimism is really nothing more than sticking your head in the sand and pretending nothing awful is happening
I really should write a good sentence about my teenage son’s discovery of blue balls, the ensuing discussion involving cause and effect, life in general, and possible remedies for his discomfort, but I wouldn’t want to embarrass any young man at such a critical time in his life, particularly my own son, and besides, his wild exclamation at the end of our conversation was better than any sentence I could write on the topic—“What?! There’s a penalty for not masturbating?”
John sighed deeply as he deftly plucked the material from his underpants that had wedged snuggly between his buttocks and, he could hardly help observing, that if his cheeks were any fleshier each time he bent over his boxers would instantly become a thong; his grandmother used to warn him that some days even your favorite pair of underpants would let you down.
They called my name, “Stephen,” and I stood up with a squeak, Christmas-crimson turtleneck clashing horribly with fall’s burnt orange.
As I sat in the dentist’s chair enduring the root canal procedure, I took some comfort in the fact that in a parallel universe, another me was no doubt experiencing something completely different, like learning French or having his nose hairs plucked out in slow motion.
Tammy carefully baked all her hopes and dreams and chocolate into a delicate souffle and pray that no one slammed the oven door before it was ready.
I have seemed to my bosses to be a hard worker, just by virtue of my sitting at my desk all day.
If you’re perfectly sensible, nobody need know that, under those long Edwardian skirts, you’re horny as hell - but who on earth wants to be that sensible?
When I die, I hope that no one finds the q-tips that I couldn’t find a trashcan for.
Statistically speaking, the longer you live the more likely you are to die tomorrow, but probability suggests that, conversely, the longer you live, the less likely you’ll die tomorrow.
“I once sent a kite up in a thunderstorms; I think that you’ll find the results shocking.”
She swears that she didn’t see the “No Trespassing” sign on the abandoned asylum of my heart; she just broke in to take some pictures, to walk these empty, thunderclap ridden halls in search of something beautiful, but I didn’t much care - she still had to take a ride in my police car, and let me take her out on a date for me to waive the fine.
I no longer listen to any news story nor click through to any article which includes a gleeful “killed” or “died” or any variant in the headline or intro.
She’s seven, she doesn’t understand guilt, just the better kinds Hershey candy, her American Girl Doll’s drama with the Build-A-Bear, and that one eight-year-old down the street with an eye for her.
Jukebox noted a new zest in Bible Mose’s fire-and-brimstone rebukes, and he’d even traded his beat up baseball hat for a passably new one that read “RAPTURE READY”; if crazy-ass religious buskers could get quarterly reviews, Bible Mose stood ready for inspection.
The world was filled to the brim with roosters, only a handful of them disguised as chickens.
MOVE is a four letter word the likes of which inspires loathing and fear in the humblest of beings.
Love me and leave me be, enveloped in my world of words.
I want to ask her, “Is that photoshopped, dumb luck or skillful composition?” but I’m sure if I don’t come up with better wording she’s going to take offense regardless.
Thank god I remembered to pluck my unibrow before I went to the dentist this morning.
A gray cat crossed my path this morning; I suppose this means I’m in for seven more years of mediocre luck.
In the end Satan won the wager with god prompting HIM to speak to Job from the whirlwind telling him to shut the fuck up.
The famous Quaker William Penn penned that “men must be governed by god, or they will be ruled by tyrants,” yet I ask you, who has been a bigger tyrant that the god of the Christians, and how many earthly despots claimed faith and drew inspiration from this former Babylonian storm god that has thrown destructive temper tantrums though out the course of history?
As a connoisseur of construction chemicals, I’d just like to point out that shower pan membrane cement is a much uglier high than the gold standard set by toluene-based products.
The flying dream may be a sign that the stoplights will be in your favor on the way to Target.
A snake dream might mean your favorite television program may soon be cancelled; pay close attention to the level of your fear in the dream, as fear is the key to knowing how much battery power remains in your TV’s remote control.
The heart isn’t a strong muscle, each twisted truth and every broken promise rips the stitches of time.
How come not a single vampire novel mentions dried mosquitoes as a tasty after school snack for the kids?
I knew I stopped Scrining for a reason.
Watching endless episodes of Say Yes to the Dress does not a social life make.
However, I can’t get my oil changed or pump gas without tearing up at least a little bit.
By being anti-cologne, you’ve saved me the heartbreak of most scented memories.
I saw that.
Sober Me says, “One drink is all you can afford,” Drunk Me says, “Sober Me has a credit card.”
Stupidity this overwhelming must be contagious.
Quite frankly, I am upset with my therapist who believes I am a psychopath for wanting to put on a hockey mask today and slaughter horny teen camp counselors with my evil looking machette.
As his fortune grew, Javier found he had more success jerking off to a rolling stock ticker than he did looking at traditional porn.
Like his closets, Fender’s social bookmarking sites were beginning to get hopelessly cluttered with magazines and newspapers he’d saved with good intention, but had never gotten around to reading.
Sometimes life can get so stuffy, like the attic room you’re forced to store your furs in the year you can’t afford cold storage - heat is a dangerous beast; it makes you languid, it droops your flower’s petals, makes you so thirsty that you turn brown, shrivel and catch fire.
I laughed and laughed at the protest sign which read, “A Moral Wrong Cannot be a Civil Right” as counter-examples waterfalled through my brain.
If your back was as hairy as mine you too would sometimes get funny looks when caught doing that bear-scratching-its-back-on-a-tree move against door frames, etc.