His hands shook, and sweat beaded on his brow to slide agonizingly slow down his temple, his cheek - it was because of him that Julius had remained undaunted, it was because of him that this friend, this man he loved was here at the Senate, rumors that had been turned down, lies that had been told… it was because of him that Julius’ eyes were fixed on his in solemn resignation, waiting only the inevitable… gripping the knife tight, Marcus steeled himself for what must be done.
The hit and run on a parked car in my neighborhood produced a mob; instead of pitchforks and torches there were kids on scooters and a festive holiday atmosphere.
“I can’t wait for lunch tomorrow so I can have a corned beef sandwich.”
They say that kids these days are no longer learning to read and write in cursive; pissing our names in the snow may soon be a lost art.
Putting eco-friendly timer-lightswitches in the office bathrooms seems like a good idea until it’s you sitting there along in the dark with your pants around your knees.
In any gathering of St. Bernard owners, he whose pants are without dog slobber is the pretender.
I am haunted by the ghost of John Mayer.
If nature abhors a vacuum, who am I to disgust nature by cleaning?
Despite its clock having been gently sprung forward for daylight savings time, Juan’s furnace refused its duty of turning on ten minutes before he was to get out of bed.
“Why, sure it does, ” he insisted; “Mud rhymes with fun, so that’s what we’re having and covered in.”
Being with him is like hurtling through space without a net; it’s kind of fun.
“Lets go out,” they said, followed by a cursory “you’ll have fun.”
It was too shiny not to be seen ever so gently slide into his back pocket; in fact, the only thing brighter in the room was his boss’s red, red face.
I guess the big scratch in my glasses is better than having that nail in my eye.
Then there are those kids who seem like they’ll just be happier when they’re adults.
“No one will find out,” said the owner of the oldest funeral home in town, “that I’ve been responsible for the deaths - they’re paying me to kill people, do their autopsy and I get to dispose of the body in front of them all.”
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Yes, I are a good good reader o’ copy.
A cat is allowed one moving deduction per year on their return as long as they were forced from the keyboard or lap.
Contrary to popular belief, a cat cannot deduct funeral expenses from their return if it is one of their own nine lives.
Hello, my name is OhNo, I’m with the Federal Census Bureau, and I’d like to ask you a few questions.
Telegraphy is one of the many economical arts concerned with the non-superfluous use of words and doses of plainspokenness and brevity that may induce literary suicide STOP
Every Saturday Odin, Thor, Freyr, Heimdall, and Loki get together and play poker together at the Ragnarök casino, Heimdall and Loki, without fail, slay each other, and there are many laughs to be had.
I think lots of people would like to watch a Flowbee vs. Robocut reality television show.
It’s exhausting being the only one holding up the sky.
Henry suspected the gypsy woman was a fraud when she told him she saw a new alternator in his future, but she assured him she wasn’t and to prove her sincerity invited him to dine with her and her brother, who, Henry was surprised to find out, was his mechanic.
When the car wouldn’t start last night, walking home the four miles in the dark seemed like a fine idea, full of independence and self-sufficiency, but when the police tracked me down this morning and handed me back the wallet I’d apparently lost along the way, minus my driver’s license, debit card, and the last of my cash, I found myself at first wishing I could retrace my steps, go back in time somehow and stop it all from happening, but then I started wondering about that hobo who’d made off with my identification, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him because I knew it was only a matter of time before he found out what a chore it was being me.
Afraid he was fast running out of things to be when he grew up, Ferguson bought an English-to-Dutch dictionary and considered taking up clog dancing.
I listen to my children with only half my consciousness, but some words permeate the gloom, like “fire,” “ouch,” and just about every swear word.
I was going to quit drinking, but then Spring break showed up. Oh well.
Photos of their smiling past are hard to see these days due to the haze brought on by their discontented sighs and melancholy murmurs.
Hannah Montanna, you may have won the first round, but now I’m moderating my sister’s iPods!
It’s not so much the frequency of the pounding from upstairs, but rather the steady ‘ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum’ rhythm -which tends to quicken periodically- that has me wondering just who it is that’s been hidden between the floors…
I love everything about nougat but the name; somehow it sounds smarmy and whiny.
Every time I try a dating service they insist on matching me up with a woman whose only hobby is pretending her name is Henrietta.
“Your Honor, really, I have a copy of the lyrics to ‘Fergelicious’ on my computer because I was helping my daughter do research about Persephone.”
Faced with the prospect of an afternoon in the company of her ex-husband, she felt that a preliminary xanax might be in order.
In the year 2010, cruise ships are the new rat poison.
Juan really wished he could blame that sluggish, bloated feeling on some kind of man-period, but he knew it mostly had to do with eating an entire package of Oreos in a futile attempt at self-medication.
It was literally a dream house, but flawed in so many ways that my subconscious found it necessary to have me walk around in it, pointing out the design flaws.
John liked his eggs like he liked his women - dippy, but things between him and them always seemed to be over so easy that he’d just be happy with a nice scramble.
Miss Jane methodically carved the last curling “k” of ‘thank’ with her blood ink pen across the ungrateful woman’s forehead, and while the message she left was clear, but polite, it would no doubt make for interesting small-talk in what would needs-be a closed-casket ceremony.
Not knowing that the thank you note had been lost in the mail, Juan was forced to hire a hit man to set things right, but unfortunately, his payment for services rendered was also misplaced by the post office, forcing the hit man to do yet another pro bono job.
If life were perfect, I could delete what I say when I am drunk.
As the woman’s head bounced surprisingly gently on each stair, Miss Jane continued her lecture on the inappropriateness of leaving distressed and injured people unaided, feeling sure that her subject would never again transgress this particular social mores.
The excitement of new websites is easily spoiled by the painfully slow nameserver update process.
I’d like, just occasionally, to be the daring, reckless type, full of spit and fire and retribution.
“I will hunt her down and kill her in sleep.”
All the clocks in the house say something different; I went back in time to the living room and decided not to say anything this time.
I remember my house’s side of “the call,” the one in which we found out about grandma, how my mother held the phone, fingers white, and excused herself from dinner, but I’ve often wondered since if there wasn’t something else in her hands.
That’s a lot of bitches, yo.
In time last words become like the ticking of a pocket watch - loud enough to keep you up.
We spent our friday nights close on the couches of strangers, buzzed, hiding under their blankets from the monsters in the air ducts.
I found you on an old work shirt, scent tucked in the corner of my memory under those silly looking pants that I never wear.
The cat has stopped his wanton running through the pillow-black halls, choosing instead to prowl at the foot of my bed now the house itself has settled, and fallen asleep.
Even my skin smells of that place - tobacco and sweat, and I lick my lips, taste the pungent air, feel it against me.
Tonight when the covers are pulled over our heads we will dream of sand.
the seat of the wicker chair bent into a smile as I lowered myself down into it with a big, cool, sweating glass of tea (even though it was only fifty out).
It’s not you, it’s me.
The chief discovered that Disney would be auditioning male Polynesian dancers tomorrow down in Florida, but his current job, while boring enough to allow him time to make such excellent discoveries, didn’t, unfortunately, pay enough for him to buy a plane ticket; also, he wasn’t Polynesian, but he was good at interviews and was sure he could overcome that obstacle.
Some days I find people extremely disappointing.
On an exciting day, the chief had to change as many as three or four lightbulbs.
Choosing the all-analog version of the human body, she learned as an infant to coordinate breathing and heartbeats with only a small sliver of her prodigious brain.
It’s funny how the message “The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove is now available and has been delivered to your eAudioBookbag” can brighten a person’s day.
After 30 years of buying every damn piece of new, bleeding edge technology to come along, Ray was ready to join the Luddites.
No one ever talks about it, but I bet the socks in heaven are very comfortable.
“Andrew, sometimes you try my last nerve,” growled Linda, after she had to confiscate the Hibachi and explain to her son that just because Snugglepuss was comforting and just because the TV constantly prattled on about “comfort food” that did not suggest Snugglepuss should become shishkabobs to brighten up a dull winter day.
Through harnessing the power of lightning (otherwise known as the interwebs), it seems I live again, though who knows just where this Frankenstein’s experiment will go…
When a bridge isn’t finished we call it a dock and go fishing from it.
Your inner slacker can do anything, but seriously, why would it want to?
The early teens are the cynical years, while in your mid-40s you are ready and willing to make an idiot of yourself in the name of entertainment; you see the problem.
As a boy, Peter tottered on the edge of a multi-billion dollar comic book industry, his Kool-Aid mustache twitching in nervous anticipation.
Spend too much time seeing the world in black and white, and colour will revolt you, just a little.
“I just figured out why St. Bernard’s ears are so heavy—to keep their very tiny brains from rattling around and falling out of their heads.”
“My childhood tricycle is lodged in my head,” Keith told the doctor, “but I think there’s someone in there who can ride it out, so I won’t need a prescription.”
In America you can make a lot of money with a traveling kangaroo show, and the business plan is fairly easy to write yourself if you’re planning on applying for a bank loan to get started.
Jemma’s brain came with two working switches, visual or wordy, and trying to hard wire them to work with each other just caused her to have weird dreams.
If you document your procrastination and laziness, then post or publish your notes in a public forum, your employer will be forced to take you serious when you threaten a discrimination suit against them for firing you for not doing your job.
They pack a lot of Girl Scouts into each cookie, and then sprinkle them with crack.
Juan felt that bitter coffee in the morning made the rest of the day sweeter.
There is only one Eiffel Tower, because it eats its young; I, on the other hand, have two children, but that could all change if I got hungry and this din continued.
“Give me a break, he’s my mom.”
Toenail clippings can be ground into a fine powder that can be used to prevent weasel attacks.
I haven’t loved my mother in a long, long time.
You can have my husband, but please don’t mess with my man.
Merle was quite disheartened to found that the fight for the corner office was in vain, while he did in fact occupy the prestigious corner, the view of the bland office blinds left drawn shut in deference to the migraine causing glare was far less preferable than the view of his ex office mates, where at least the latest gossip offered some small compensation.
She stared up at the old house, with its paint peeling, and its dusted windows, and the grass that came up to Cody’s knees - surely it would nearly reach her waist if she stood in it.
Just as making a doctor’s appointment causes the pain to go away, turning on the TV causes time to warp and telescope.
To make life more unpredictable and fun, a televised random day lottery could draw a ball each morning to decide which day of the week it was.
A gyroscope ladder would never tip over, reducing the number of idiots hurt each year.
Teaching rats to talk would be a good first step in bringing back call center jobs to America.
Josh lost several friends after he decided it was cute to refer to anything he didn’t like as “pickle burps.”
Her long dark hair and pony tail totally turn me on.
Remember, once you write them down, trying to cram that journal full of unsavory thoughts back into your head will undoubtedly kill you.
Hire me; I can do entertaining tricks, I’m the friendliest person in the world, and money flocks to me like hungry pigeons in the park.
“If it wasn’t my day off,” the chief told the drunk college students, “I would have thrown you off the property hours ago.”
I only took French hoping to impress him. Now I am failing and it is all for naught.
My friend really is a nice person, but sometimes, I want to tell her to suck it up and shut the hell up.
“I don’t know how you boys do it, I was a wreck but now I feel so much better.”
Library fines have gotten so punitive I will now do something I have never done before in my life—vote against the next library bond that comes along.