Now that I’ve attained the key to the executive washroom where the top 10 Scriners lounge, I’d like someone to please peel me a grape and make me a grilled cheese, if that’s not asking too much.
When he remembered home, which he rarely did, he always pictured aromatic steam rising from the breaking of warm, moist blueberry cake and remembered the way his mother would never bake, beg though he would every night.
Brevity should be axiomatic.
Nice to see “CPU Usage” up at 80-90% for hours on end today, even if it is just the computer re-building the iTunes library.
twitterers must be expanding their feeding grounds as just this morning i wrote a whole scrine that seems disappeared about today being something of an anniversary so maybe real life could return now after all; i guess not.
Having a burrito that’s roughly the size of a child’s arm for lunch will make it very difficult to engage in the relentless pursuit of science junk in the afternoon.
“67% of Nevada homes ‘under water.’”
Joey was fascinated by bubbles.
The metallic bird, it mocks me… because really, how long does it take to write a sentence?!
I hate it when journalists who should know better misuse words, such as when the 14-year-old Yemeni plane crash survivor is described as “courageous” which is a word which means “facing adversity or danger without fear” … you you really think she was without fear while hanging on to debris for half a day in high seas after her plane crashed—sorry, she was just trying to not freaking die/drown, no courage was required for that and I think it’s safe to assume there was plenty of fear. Plenty. /end rant/
My associate, Mr. Chimp, is, believe it or not, the lord of a tiny nation in the north sea known as the Principality of Sealand, and though it isn’t recognized by the UN, he still tries to throw it in my face all the time.
My local pusher has a the inside track on several kilos of just-past-expiration-date Starbucks truffles and this weekend I’m meeting with him at an undisclosed location for a no-questions-asked cash transaction.
Thank god that California, being the liberal state that it is, has passed one of the nation’s first Medical Chocolate Laws.
Some of us (you know who you are) have access to doctors and psychiatrists and designer drugs; some of us have to self-medicate with chocolate.
One of these days I need to figure out how to set my watch properly so the month turns over correctly.
What are muslim olives greeted with when they go to heaven?
In my experience, a letter from a lawyer is rarely filled with good news.
“Maintain your form—ears over your shoulders,” said the exercise instructor, and I thought, “well, where else can I put them?”
Mondays are bad enough it seems, but on the Monday that Kafka awoke to find it that overnight he had been transformed into a giant cockroach it turned out that the super had scheduled a routine fumigation and the writer went form great mind to obituary topic before his coffee finished brewing.
I hope Karl Malden remembered to take his Amex on his last road trip.
and take a step back, for the people you thought most important in your life may not have been the people who really fueled your beliefs and ideals.
Holding onto the life she had before and the relationships she’d become fond of was like holding onto water dripping through her fingers.
simply nothing like a new haircut to make you feel like a new person
The chief sat in his new tiny office, confident of better days ahead.
Has anyone else noticed that people are shallow, ridiculous, ungrateful creatures who will find something to whine about no matter how fucking blessed their lives are?
Just having a body makes you vulnerable, but having teeth ready to rot out of your head, especially so.
I’d give it all up (if I had anything to give up) to become a gentleman farmer and spend the rest of my years growing sunflowers and hemp.
Sublime humor is a duck dancing in your underpants.
My neighbor, Jerry the Evangelist, believes that I twisted my mind with the pursuit of philosophy while at university, but I see it as the time when I threw off the fetters of my Roman Catholic mind and sat outside of quaint Seattle coffee shops sipping on pungent Turkish coffees discussing politics with Jean Paul Sartre and Franz Kafka (whose insect phobia forced him indoors even on the hottest of days) until an impatient Simone du Beauvoir, vying for my attention, would smother my face between her Parisian breasts or the aroma of cheese burgers and French fries from the nearby Dick’s Drive-In reminded me I was hungry.
I’m repeating myself.
If a guy offers to walk six miles in the middle of the night to give you a large hug and a kiss as one final romantic gesture before your long-term relationship is ended by a 700-mile distance, and expects nothing from you in return, you’d say yes, right?
Wouldn’t it be crazy if experts on Mayan history hold a press conference on the morning of December 21st, 2012, and suddenly Ashton Kucther pops out and yells ‘Punk’d!’?
Adverbs can modify adjectives to add oomph to any clause, such as ‘the audaciously rancid movie’ or ‘the exquisitely prodigious boob’.
He loved the way she scratched her elbows.
As Noah’s assistant, it was John’s duty to tell all of the “feed” animals that they were not needed for the eventual repopulation of the earth as they had been lead to believe, and that instead their job instead was to make sure that all of the chosen two did not starve.
Although she drove the Zamboni as fast as possible, it didn’t corner well and tended to overheat in the summer sun.
Though I am am not personally qualified to do so, I warn you that my associate, Mr. Chimp, has his doctorate in sociology, and, having studied under Jane Goodall, is perfectly prepared to go ape shit on your ass at the drop of a dime.
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him buy a quality timepiece at a discount price just by spamming his email account, and you certainly can’t make him click on a link that promises a bigger penis because, well, for starters, horses are smarter than that, and secondly, he’s a horse, if you know what I mean.
If your vegan wife’s arms become bony and excessively thin, try using them to open the daily mail; she’ll appreciate the attention.
She avoided wearing low cut shirts not because she was worried about appearing promiscuous but because he liked to see how many M&Ms he could throw in there from across the room.
Future Misses ‘789s are required to take lessons in how to correctly say goodbye.
I’ll never turn on the tv to see one of your infomercials again, oh Billy Mays, why did you have to go?