As inspired by: 'mouse's man period
Faced with the prospect of an afternoon in the company of her ex-husband, she felt that a preliminary xanax might be in order.
In the year 2010, cruise ships are the new rat poison.
Juan really wished he could blame that sluggish, bloated feeling on some kind of man-period, but he knew it mostly had to do with eating an entire package of Oreos in a futile attempt at self-medication.
Peter, I can see your house from up here!
It was literally a dream house, but flawed in so many ways that my subconscious found it necessary to have me walk around in it, pointing out the design flaws.
John liked his eggs like he liked his women - dippy, but things between him and them always seemed to be over so easy that he’d just be happy with a nice scramble.
Miss Jane methodically carved the last curling “k” of ‘thank’ with her blood ink pen across the ungrateful woman’s forehead, and while the message she left was clear, but polite, it would no doubt make for interesting small-talk in what would needs-be a closed-casket ceremony.
Not knowing that the thank you note had been lost in the mail, Juan was forced to hire a hit man to set things right, but unfortunately, his payment for services rendered was also misplaced by the post office, forcing the hit man to do yet another pro bono job.
If life were perfect, I could delete what I say when I am drunk.
As the woman’s head bounced surprisingly gently on each stair, Miss Jane continued her lecture on the inappropriateness of leaving distressed and injured people unaided, feeling sure that her subject would never again transgress this particular social mores.
The excitement of new websites is easily spoiled by the painfully slow nameserver update process.
I’d like, just occasionally, to be the daring, reckless type, full of spit and fire and retribution.
“I will hunt her down and kill her in sleep.”
All the clocks in the house say something different; I went back in time to the living room and decided not to say anything this time.
I remember my house’s side of “the call,” the one in which we found out about grandma, how my mother held the phone, fingers white, and excused herself from dinner, but I’ve often wondered since if there wasn’t something else in her hands.
That’s a lot of bitches, yo.
In time last words become like the ticking of a pocket watch - loud enough to keep you up.
We spent our friday nights close on the couches of strangers, buzzed, hiding under their blankets from the monsters in the air ducts.
I found you on an old work shirt, scent tucked in the corner of my memory under those silly looking pants that I never wear.
The cat has stopped his wanton running through the pillow-black halls, choosing instead to prowl at the foot of my bed now the house itself has settled, and fallen asleep.
Even my skin smells of that place - tobacco and sweat, and I lick my lips, taste the pungent air, feel it against me.
Tonight when the covers are pulled over our heads we will dream of sand.
the seat of the wicker chair bent into a smile as I lowered myself down into it with a big, cool, sweating glass of tea (even though it was only fifty out).
It’s not you, it’s me.
The chief discovered that Disney would be auditioning male Polynesian dancers tomorrow down in Florida, but his current job, while boring enough to allow him time to make such excellent discoveries, didn’t, unfortunately, pay enough for him to buy a plane ticket; also, he wasn’t Polynesian, but he was good at interviews and was sure he could overcome that obstacle.
Some days I find people extremely disappointing.
On an exciting day, the chief had to change as many as three or four lightbulbs.
Choosing the all-analog version of the human body, she learned as an infant to coordinate breathing and heartbeats with only a small sliver of her prodigious brain.
It’s funny how the message “The Lust Lizard of Melancholy Cove is now available and has been delivered to your eAudioBookbag” can brighten a person’s day.
After 30 years of buying every damn piece of new, bleeding edge technology to come along, Ray was ready to join the Luddites.
No one ever talks about it, but I bet the socks in heaven are very comfortable.
“Andrew, sometimes you try my last nerve,” growled Linda, after she had to confiscate the Hibachi and explain to her son that just because Snugglepuss was comforting and just because the TV constantly prattled on about “comfort food” that did not suggest Snugglepuss should become shishkabobs to brighten up a dull winter day.
Through harnessing the power of lightning (otherwise known as the interwebs), it seems I live again, though who knows just where this Frankenstein’s experiment will go…
When a bridge isn’t finished we call it a dock and go fishing from it.
Your inner slacker can do anything, but seriously, why would it want to?
The early teens are the cynical years, while in your mid-40s you are ready and willing to make an idiot of yourself in the name of entertainment; you see the problem.
As a boy, Peter tottered on the edge of a multi-billion dollar comic book industry, his Kool-Aid mustache twitching in nervous anticipation.
Spend too much time seeing the world in black and white, and colour will revolt you, just a little.
“I just figured out why St. Bernard’s ears are so heavy—to keep their very tiny brains from rattling around and falling out of their heads.”
“My childhood tricycle is lodged in my head,” Keith told the doctor, “but I think there’s someone in there who can ride it out, so I won’t need a prescription.”
In America you can make a lot of money with a traveling kangaroo show, and the business plan is fairly easy to write yourself if you’re planning on applying for a bank loan to get started.