As unpredictable as a teenage superhero

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Disbelief :: Keith

Peter no longer believed in superheroes or poetic justice, and had no trouble blaming it all on the blind date/monkey poop/laughing crowd incident of 1987; he did, however, now believe in having a change of clothes in the trunk of his car.

    TAGS:  sensible, superheroes, poetic justice

As all the giggles died away in the distance, the giant yellow duck removed her caped costume - emblazoned with QB - pulled on her boots and strolled back into the office.

    TAGS:  ducks, superheroes, duck - other, quackbobbery

Unruly Mop Man :: boot

“Oh my yes, Needs No Comb Lad, unruliness isn’t just fun, it’s life-saving; the time we save not preening our Super-Hair is time enough to save the world.”

    TAGS:  hair, superheroes, unruly

“This is like, soooo lame, I can’t believe I don’t even get a super power other than students wanting to take me home at 3 in the morning.”

    TAGS:  traffic cones, superheroes

Superhero woes :: skif

The night before the exam, frantically studying the Government Manual for New Superheroes, Juan was particularly taken aback with the new rules for spandex and thigh high, high heeled boots; who knew Posh Spice had taken a job with DOSH, the Department for the Superheroes and Heroism as Director of Wardrobe?

    TAGS:  superheroes, dosh, spandex

Juan had always aspired to be a superhero but it wasn’t until he had filled out his 15th ‘Accidental Destruction by Acts of Superheroes’ form, in triplicate at that, that he wondered if his mother wasn’t right in lamenting missed chances and dentist school.

    TAGS:  dentists, superheroes

What is the point of wearing the tights and the cape if no one looks up at the sky to see what you are doing?

    TAGS:  superheroes, the amazing anonymous man

An Unfortunate M.O. :: Br. Ezra

Suction Cup Man found himself relegated to a desk job at the Justice League due to his unfortunate M.O. which made sneaking up on super villains impossible as the thwuck-thwuck-thwuck sound he made whenever he walked gave him away.

    TAGS:  superheroes, Justice League, MOs, suction cups

Rufus thought that maybe his mom was a superhero, but my friend Schuster told him that shunning a son is not really considered a super power.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, mothers, superheroes, superpowers, shun

The Cheerios Batman Launcher is extremely inferior, so if the Penguin ever shows up at your house and that’s all you’ve got, believe me, bat friends, you’re in real trouble.

    TAGS:  arch villians, Batman, superheroes, Cheerios, cereal toys

What makes a potential superhero choose the sidekick path?

    TAGS:  superheroes, sidekicks, the chosen

The sidekick can never be the love interest, no matter how hot she looks in a pair of knee-high boots.

    TAGS:  superheroes, unwritten laws, sidekicks, love interest

Pink Slip :: Br. Ezra

After an unpleasant incident in a crowded elevator on 42nd and Broadview, Stan Lee realized that the Incredibly Flatulent Man was scraping the bottom of the superhero barrel thus, prompting him to ask the would be crime fighter to surrender his tights.

    TAGS:  superheroes, crime fighting, Stan Lee, The Incredibly Flatulent Man, Flatulence

Sons and daughters ‘o bitches is what you all are, constantly expecting me to save you from both yourselves and others, what a hoot, I cant recall where in my job description it says anything about being a glorified therapist for a bunch of whiny, simpering mortals with their their little dogs that nip at my heels even after I’ve saved their owners’ lives, it’s both galling and insulting that I’m somehow responsible for preserving this ‘society’ of ingrates, why last week I was flying along (as one does) minding my own business when I see this train careening out of control toward a cliff and my first impulse was to find and destroy the person who built the train track so close to a cliff, because only someone either criminally negligent or desperately stupid would place a means of transport that close to doom (humans being forever inclined to various forms of self-mutilation), but I digress, so there I am flying along, humming some Christopher Cross (I think it was, Arthur’s Theme, the one that goes ‘If you get caught between the moon and New York City’), when I see the impending doom, swoop down, and stop the train with yards to spare and instead of thanks, this gaggle of women waddle up complaining that the abrupt stop ruined their dinner, their trip, Christmas, and to hear them tell it probably caused puppy death on scales heretofore unimagined in the annals of injustice, so at this point point I snap and do something rash, e.g. I pick up one of the portly complainers and toss her into the abyss, I know, poor form, but she had it coming and wouldn’t you know it, there was an off-duty cop on board who sees my transgression and demands that I cease and desist, enact some sort of citizen’s self-arrest, and allow him to cuff me, but I refused because first of all being told how wrong I am by a guy wearing a fanny pack and a t-shirt with an eagle superimposed over an American flag underneath the words, ‘These colors don’t run’, is ridiculous and second, the bitch had it coming, although it turns out the president doesn’t think so, because he decided to send in the Army with their adorable little tanks and ooooh booga booga, big bad tank gonna do bad things to the superhero, really, kids, are you sure, because I CAN DESTROY SHIT WITH MY EYES, remember, do you recall that one time when I saved Europe’s ass by using my eyes to destroy an asteroid headed for Malta (as if it would’ve been a huge loss), oh, sure you don’t, surprise surprise, jackasses, well tell you what, next time godzilla decides to rise from the briny deep and start treating Japan like his bitch, don’t call me, don’t shine any signals into the night sky, don’t do anything, just leave me the hell out of it, you’re all on you’re own, welcome to hell, lemmings.

    TAGS:  perfection, Godzilla, superheroes, Christopher Cross, portly women

“Help, Donut Girl,” I cried, and just like that, the day was saved!

    TAGS:  superheroes, donuts, Donut Girl

He’d picked up and cleaned the apartment so thoroughly that the only thing left to do was sew himself a costume so he could step out into the world as a superhero named Neat Freak.

    TAGS:  superheroes

Slow but dependable, he moved at the speed of leap year.

    TAGS:  procrastination, superheroes, leap year

Procrastinator Man literally streaked to the rescue; he’d get dressed later.

    TAGS:  procrastination, superheroes


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