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Ridiculous Encounters
Bob Communes :: Keith

“Now put on these ruby slippers,” Bob told the Pope, “tap your heels together three times, each time repeating - there’s no place like Rome.”

    TAGS:  Bob, ridiculous encounters, pope, Rome, ruby slippers

“In Latin?” the Pope asked.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, pope, Latin

Yet another day was ruined because of the duck’s stubborn refusal to stop quacking down the chimney.

    TAGS:  birds, animals, ducks, duck - the bird, ridiculous encounters, quack, chimneys, quacking, stubborness

Sneaking up on an egret is always tough work, and it will take a diligent nature enthusiast many attempts before he has plucked enough feathers for a decent hat.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, hats, PNA Series, ridiculous encounters, feathers, nature, diligence, egret

The last known sighting of a dunkleosteus in Ohio occurred in 1953 just outside of Sandusky, when the mayor, attempting to present the beast with the key to the city, instead ended up donating his arm, the state fire marshall, three lamp posts, half of the local high school band (mostly tubas and trombones), and a very nice derby hat, which in the mayor’s surprise turn of events, fell off of his head and rolled into Lake Erie.

    TAGS:  dinosaurs, hats, ridiculous encounters, Lake Erie, derby, tuba, mayor, trombone

Every morning at six, the monkey clipped on his bow tie, tucked the newspaper under his arm, then walked the short distance to Mr. Plinkson’s office for their customary cup of juice, chilled banana slices, and brief discussion of world affairs.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, monkeys, bow tie, Mr. Plinkson

Completely disoriented in her new glasses, she took down the postman with a swift kick to the jugular.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, glasses, disorientation, jugular

In the rare case that one is lucky enough to find employment with a company that does keep a goat, the employee will often find that the mandated training regarding proper use of the milking stool, as well as the extensive documentation that must be read, usually during one’s personal time, is overwhelming, causing most employees to either avoid the goat whenever possible, especially during breaks or lunch hours, or in some cases, even attempt to pretend that the goat simply does not exist.

    TAGS:  animals, ridiculous encounters, goats, government intervention

What we had was great but I’d rather sleep with Marie Osmond!

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, Ann Coulter, disturbing images, Marie Osmond

If an IRS accountant has an extra appendage, such as an arm or an extra thumb, make no mention of it unless the abnormality is used in their line of work, such as in the operation of a calculator or stapler.

    TAGS:  abnormality, ridiculous encounters, arms, thumbs

Applying a type of accounting leverage I hadn’t thought existed, the auditor bent me over her knee and squeezed until several pennies popped from my butt and landed on the desk; “That was different,” I told her, to which she replied, “No, that was a start,” as she gave me another squeeze.

    TAGS:  work, accountants, ridiculous encounters, butt, pennies, leverage

Paul Volcker, the now retired Federal Reserve Board Chairman, once gave me a two dollar tip for delivering breakfast to his hotel room; if I remember correctly, he searched for quite some time for the slot in my head, thinking I was some sort of bank.

    TAGS:  bank, ridiculous encounters, heads, Paul Volcker

on stalking :: littledevilworks

To my great surprise Will Smith and Charlize Theron seem to be in our building today; luckily I am usually a bumbling idiot so it hasn’t affected my work.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters

At first Sally thought her husband had turned into some sort of planet, and that the pumpkin pies orbiting his stomach had become a cluster of delicious, homemade moons, but when she noticed the orbits of the pies begin to deteriorate, and the way Carl’s mouth began to flex, she knew it was something much worse.

    TAGS:  pie, ridiculous encounters, holidays, Thanksgiving

“I don’t need no stinking Poe to know crows want to peck out my eyes,” Rufus said, and without any further explanation, informed Schuster that he was quitting the Sunday morning book club, which Schuster and I agreed was overreacting, even if Schuster’s pet crow had gone too far with the reenactment.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, Schuster, Rufus, ridiculous encounters, crows, Edgar Allan Poe, book club, Poe, peck, reenactments

Rufus claimed it wasn’t bad etiquette to make guttural noises while on the toilet, especially if you had bad gas, but my friend Schuster vehemently disagreed and told Rufus that as soon as he finished washing his hair he was getting out of the shower to kill him.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, Schuster, Rufus, ridiculous encounters, etiquette, murderous intentions

When his doctor entered the exam room dressed as Shakespeare and his opening line was, “Why, the prostate’s mine oyster, Which I with sword will open,” Henry tried to remain calm, reminding himself that The Merry Wives of Windsor was a comedy, and that surely the good doctor was only joking.

    TAGS:  Henry, ridiculous encounters, Shakespeare, prostate

Rufus thinks that if a walrus was able to get into a bookstore, the last thing on its mind would be poetry, but my friend Schuster disagrees, saying that he can think of no other reason at all a walrus would be in a bookstore holding note cards, but finds himself growing increasingly angry that those rat bastard police have to show up just when things are getting good.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, Schuster, poetry, Rufus, ridiculous encounters, bookstores, walrus

The only bare knuckle fist fight between two astronomers occurred in 1920 when Harlow Shapley and Heber Curtis went 46 rounds because of Curtis’ position that the Great Andromeda Nebula was an external galaxy; Edwin Hubble, who witnessed the entire fight, later told reporters that neither scientist was a very good fighter, and that their weak punches reminded him of watching comets plug slowly across a night sky.

    TAGS:  astronomy, ridiculous encounters, loose history, fisticuffs, hubble

Schrödinger’s cat argued with Einstein about the nature of justice saying that in our legal system it’s not about the truth but about the plausibility of one story over another, but although Einstein appreciated the cat’s logic – possibly even agreeing - he still refused to lend him the bail money.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, Einstein, bail bonds, justice, legal system, Schrodinger's cat

Although Mr. Plinkson was not impressed with the monkey’s new cellphone, he did find several of the ringtones more soothing than those typically chosen by his human coworkers.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, monkeys, cellphones, ringtones, soothing, Mr. Plinkson

Even though the equation clearly disproved his own existence, the duck remained in front of the blackboard with the chalk gripped firmly in his bill (almost defiantly, some students in the classroom thought) right up until the moment his own arrogance caught up with him, he smiled, and the chalk slipped from his bill and lodged somewhere in his windpipe.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, duck - the bird, ridiculous encounters, arrogance, blackboards, chalk, choking, classrooms, teaching, defiance

It was a grand plan—stay up late into the night making mad passionate love to a pad of paper and his long missing muse—but somehow everything went awry when his house giraffe, working that long, blue tongue of his for what must have been hours, managed to loosen the lid on the jar of tryptophan wine that he’d thought he’d stored safely away, high upon the shelf above his desk.

    TAGS:  animals, ridiculous encounters, giraffes, house giraffes, muses, tryptophan

Poker & Dinner :: Keith

I’ve never eaten dog or played poker with one although I’d like to do both someday, but not both with the same dog since that would make me sad, unless, of course, he’d cleaned me out at the table.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, dog, poker dogs

“I understand the suffering of humans, believe me, I do,” Thomas T.‘s cat told the Humane Society grief counselor that insisted on talking to him, “as a matter of fact, we cats consider your suffering one of our greatest achievements.”

    TAGS:  cats, ridiculous encounters, grief, greatest achievements, human suffering, Thomas T., grief counseling

The anthropologists could not discern the creatures’ intentions, while the biologists, equally vexed, tried in vain to locate the genitals.

    TAGS:  aliens, ridiculous encounters, anthropologists, biologists

Upon arriving in Heaven, Henry was pleased to find out that God had plans for a big budget musical comedy based on his life, but was ultimately disappointed when he auditioned for the lead role and was immediately shown the door to Hell.

    TAGS:  Henry, god, ridiculous encounters, Heaven - the place, Hell - the place, musical comedy

Timmy had thought it would be fun if his pig knew the robot dance, but acting like a robot soon went to the pig’s head, and before Timmy knew it, his pig was acting all uppity, doing things like complicated mathematics and saying, “Does not compute,” when he was being scolded for pooping in the house.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, ridiculous encounters, Timmy, pigs, mathematics, robot dance, uppity

“It’s a common mistake,” the hobo assured me, “but sure as I’m standing here talking to you, there’s no way in hell all those ducks would make it south every winter if it weren’t for us hobos helping load them into the boxcars.”

    TAGS:  ducks, duck - the bird, ridiculous encounters, hobos, boxcars

“No spiders allowed,” the man said as he squished it under his thumb, noticing much too late the tiny leash around the spider’s neck, the other end which was being held quite lovingly by the spider’s owner, a rhinoceros; “God dammit,” the man said, “where’d you come from?” which was, at least from the rhinoceros’ perspective, not only a rhetorical question, but a stupid one at that.

    TAGS:  spiders, ridiculous encounters, highly unlikely, rhinoceros

The highlight of the heroin den roundup had to be when the son, before being shuffled off to the backseat of his own police car, delivered, in a very servant-like manner, his father’s dentures on the back of a plastic butter tub lid to the other police car, which made the Chief think that maybe he’d been watching too much television when he found himself thinking that he’d just witnessed some sort of modern American version of Downton Abbey.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, Downton Abbey, heroin

When my dog asked me, "Do you think you might possibly be suffering from a haunting sense of underlying guilt?" I couldn't help but notice his eyes glance over to the cabinet where I lock up his treats.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, ridiculous encounters, therapy

At first Henry had been reluctant to try the whole speed dating nonsense, but two minutes into the conversation with the fifth woman, he started getting vibes that things were heading towards casual sex which made him think, "Now that's more like it;" but almost instantly he started putting things into context and realized that casual sex on a speed date actually meant speed sex, a 15 or 20 second encounter at most, which was a depressing thought considering that by the time he was able to get his socks off, the whole opportunity would have passed him by and the woman would be off to the next table, leaving him to try and explain himself to the next unfortunate woman, which he had to admit, was already a nearly impossible task.

    TAGS:  Henry, ridiculous encounters, speed dating, casual sex

Having grown tired of looking down at his big belly, Henry decided to go ahead with the operation to have his head removed, turned 180 degrees, then reattached, never once giving any thought to how disturbing a bird's eye view of his ass would actually be.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters


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