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Polite Violence

As yet another shop assistant got what she wanted wrong, behaved as if she was an inconvenience to their loafing, charged her the wrong amount and gave her the wrong change, Miss Jane grumped to herself “yep, sunny-jim, if I ever go postal, you’ll be the first to go”.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, grumpy

Thank you for holding, one of our operators will be with you shortly.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, on-hold, oh-oh, telemarketers

As she returned the icepick to her handbag, Miss Jane thought to herself “yeah, so what does that mean, that I look like the bottom of someone’s shoe on other days?”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, icepicks, ill-advised

“Sorry about the blood on your jacket, but again, no, this hat is not for Melbourne Cup Day, it’s for keeping the burning sun off of my head.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, hats, polite violence, blood, burning sun, impertinent

Miss Jane wiped her hands down her skirt as she stepped away from the body, thinking to herself “Well, if you hadn’t got into the damn lift, chatting to your damn friend, holding open the doors and holding us all up, all the while carrying an infernal American-chain-we-don’t-have-spoons-or-cups takeaway paper recepticle of so-called-coffee, I wouldn’t have had to do that.”

    TAGS:  coffee, Miss Jane, polite violence

The perky young woman paused mid-sentence in her rather loud mobile phone conversation about insurance quotes, feeling that something very unpleasant and, indeed, sharp was about to happen to her.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, sharp, unpleasant, just not cricket, mobile phones

Miss Jane whirled about suddenly, spraying blood as she went, and shouted “alright you bastards, you will leave me, my family, my friends and their family alone, or it’s a pickaxe to the head for you!”

    TAGS:  death, Miss Jane, polite violence, bastards, spraying, pickaxe, unfairness

The flamethrower glowed red and white as it sprayed mayhem and pain across the row of cubicles and Miss Jane screamed defiantly into the rampaging fire “NO, I don’t mind being your admin girl, I hope you appreciate my technique!”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, cubicles, mayhem, screaming, indignant, old ways, technique, rampaging

Gilbabreath :: Keith

“You should have said something earlier, Gorgo,” Gilbabreath said, gently releasing the man back down onto the moss-covered rocks, then taking a small, giant-step backwards so he could get a proper look at the man, “because I was just about to take bite out of you.”

    TAGS:  polite violence, giants, Gorgo

She realized, as he was talking, that not only did she not understand a word his mouth uttered as it moved, but that all she could picture was the pen in her hand jammed into his ear as far as it would go.

    TAGS:  polite violence, relationships, murderous intentions

snap :: bakerina

At 3 p.m., as Bronwyn trudged back to her desk after learning that the conference call for which she had skipped her lunch hour had been cancelled, the thought occurred to her: I would strangle an orphan for a day off.

    TAGS:  work, polite violence, Bronwyn, conference calls, orphans

The graceful creature sauntered away from the incandescent pyre, seemingly oblivious to the sounds of screams and sirens.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, incandescent, pyre, saunter

“Ah, I see”, said Miss Jane as she stepped gingerly over the fifth such body, “what you’re saying is, when you undertake a consultation process, you’re actually just trying to ignore me as hard as possible until I go away” .... “it appears I have dealt with this problem for you.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, problems, consultation, ignore this, solutions, process

Surprisingly, the Bible says very little about Azazel, Golgotha’s most famous back float champion, who survived the great flood in spite of Noah’s attempts to poke him under with a shepherd’s staff.

    TAGS:  polite violence, highly unlikely, Azazel, floating, unlikely stories, Golgotha

Miss Jane stalked the low-lit streets, draped in stained and bloody clothes, ranting “retribution for the innocent and fallen” to herself, knowing that this time she would find Lady Luck and she would make her pay.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, bastards, retribution, stalking, lady luck, pay

“While I would agree with you that berating other passengers and behaving in a generally abusive and irritating manner certainly does not warrant such a violent response on my part”, said Miss Jane as she paused to wipe the lumps from her bat, “I would have to say that it is unfortunate for you that I am not generally considered to be a reasonable person in these matters.”

    TAGS:  unreasonable, Miss Jane, polite violence, commuting, manners, lumps

“Well, if we all get trapped in this lift I hope you have enough coffee to share around” said the jovial gentleman, and Miss Jane slid the long, sharp knife out of her handbag and grinned at the gentlemen as the visions of blood filled her eyes.

    TAGS:  coffee, Miss Jane, polite violence, jocularity, knives, think twice

A young Miss Jane watched from under a desk as the angry, blood-splattered man sprayed bullets into the air and yelled “I told you when I finally lost it, that you would be the first to go!”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, growing up, bullets, interesting, splatter

The elegant but enraged woman lined up the grey, bitter and utterly soulless entities against the wall and smiled unnervingly as she slowly unveiled her first implement of mayhem and blood.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, banality, mayhem, economists, soulless

As the Prime Minister was introduced to Boot he proffered his hand in greeting, and Boot glared angrily at those horrible fingers and began her vociferous tirade.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, fingers, tirade, prime minister, vociferous

As Miss Jane rested her bat gently against the organic vegetable stand, she rather quietly said “I thought it might be nice to give you something to fear other than germs.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, threats, germs, organic

Miss Jane wiped the splatters of blood and carvings of pumpkin from her broadsword, and, lifting the madwoman’s head from the ground, she looked into her dull eyes and said “I promised another that I would end your pain, so I hope you can consider this a civic duty.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, heads, justice, civic duty, Halloween, pumpkins

As she passed each chain-everything’s-the-damn-same-store, her anger increased as rapidly as the once loved quirky corner mutated into yet another any-street-any-town, until suddenly Miss Jane and her flamethrower stepped forward, took control and began the burning.

    TAGS:  coffee, Miss Jane, polite violence, banality, flamethrower, burning, chain stores

Miss Jane was thoughtful enough to turn off the flamethrower in between each machine-stamped store, this was a delicate situation and, unusually, innocent bystanders would not be appropriate.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, flamethrower, chain stores, delicate

Miss Jane found she needed, rather impolitely, to raise her voice to be heard by the woman dangling outside the open doors, “I think it is just possible you may not be aware that at 6.30 in the morning many of your fellow commuters prefer to sleep a little, rather than listen to your raucous, vulgar and, above all, loud commentary,” and as she rattled the woman slightly, she added “so, may I drop you off somewhere?”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, commuting, manners, dangling

Miss Jane stepped delicately away from the building’s ashes and as she did so an irritated man in a mouse costume nearly bumped into her, however - astoundingly - she did not immediately over-react with senseless violence, but instead said “Good sir, I do believe you need this more than me,” and handed him her very best flamethrower.

    TAGS:  mouse, senseless, Miss Jane, polite violence, flamethrower, need

Miss Jane placed her AK-47 neatly at the half-exploded teller’s window, explaining “my dear, I’m sure your intentions were good, but occasionally the road to hell appears on the horizon a little sooner than you might expect.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, banking, road to hell

As she fought her way into the inner sanctum, smoke and flames followed her into the room and, bathed in a glowing red haze, she readied her spiked baseball bat for the thwacking of its short, short life.

    TAGS:  death, Miss Jane, polite violence, baseball bats, thwacking

“... and if that happens you can be assured that I will shoot each and every one of you.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, shooting, materialisation

As Miss Jane neatly pressed closed each little labeled plastic bag, she continued her polite explanation to the lady still lying partly on the floor, “...and, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned already, not only was that conversation highly inappropriate for a workplace, it is certainly not even an appropriate conversation for anywhere other than one’s own home… oh, dear, I appear to have dropped blood on your shoe.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, manners, extraneous, inutile

Mary had consciously chosen her neighbour Miss Jane to emulate as a very young child and, as a consequence, Mary was rarely allowed to play with the neighbouring children—she frightened the brainless twits much in the same manner Miss Jane frightened the bleating parents.

    TAGS:  guest scriner, Miss Jane, polite violence, bleating, consequences, mary

Seeing the suffering and the misery in the workplace, Miss Jane decides that the mayhem and violence she had in mind would go too far and she tries her hand at asking politely.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, misery, mistaken

After a brief hiatus from her one true path, Miss Jane, in response to the statement “why don’t ya just get fucked, sweethea..” delivers her rage with a disturbing assortment of knives, mallets and, as always, polite, if bloody, mannerisms.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, calling, mallets, knives

In the midst of admonishing the so-called journalist and administering her own specialised form of punishment and learning, Miss Jane stopped, delicately wiped a spot of blood away from her face and listened carefully, for something was afoot.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, afoot, journalists

At the sight of the two working women being crushed under the weight of the giant boulder, Miss Jane set to the task of dealing her usual mixture of polite learning and violent demonstration, but as she did so, she noticed a young woman nearby timorously holding a rather large plank of plywood in a refreshingly threatening manner.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, retribution, run and hide, wreaking havoc

As Miss Jane crossed the very busy highway via the pedestrian crossing, she found she had to pause three times, once to attend to an 80 year old who was screaming into his mobile phone as he ignored the people, oncoming trams and cars around him, a second time to deal with a man in his forties who was standing in the middle of the road wondering how to turn on his phone, and a third time to deftly put aside a teenager who was dragging a hand-truck full of water bottles and simultaneously text-messaging on his mobile phone. [Breaking News: Police are yet to uncover the identity of the woman involved in the incident that the media have dubbed Manners, Mobiles and Mayhem.]

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners

Rufus thought that Christmas was a good time to appreciate all your friends, and my friend Schuster agreed so much that he gave Rufus a big hug without once turning into a choke hold.

    TAGS:  Christmas, Rufus & Schuster, Schuster, friends, polite violence, Rufus, choke hold

“He loves me, He loves me not,” hummed Miss Jane as she plucked at his fingers one by one, and as she looked into his pleading eyes she paused and said “don’t worry, my little Valentine, it will hurt, but I won’t feel a thing.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, valentines

Rufus thinks that he could never punch a woman unless maybe she was trying to kill him, and even then he’s not so sure; my friend Schuster was confused by this, saying, “Not so sure about punching them, or not so sure about them wanting to kill you?, because I’m pretty sure every woman you’ve ever met wants to kill you.”

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, murderous intentions

As she gracefully walked down the steps of the plane, stepping around the heads of the airline, Miss Jane noticed how perfectly the blood trickling down the steps contrasted with her delicate beige shoes.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, airlines, polite violence, heads, revenge

Rufus thinks that maybe he should go upstairs and tell his mother to have a happy Mother’s Day, even if she does throw him down the stairs again like she did last year just because he didn’t have a gift; my friend Schuster thinks it’s an excellent idea, considering how happy she always is watching him bounce off the basement stairs, which, he added, “Also brings a lot of joy to me, even though I’m not your mother.”

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, murderous intentions, mothers, gifts, Mother's Day

As the driver threw his garbage out the window, he caught sight out of a sweet-looking librarian type lady in a pretty little Morris Minor and, unfortunately, he didn’t realise until he was again looking out the mirror, as his car careered of the cliff, the neat, effective blades in the bumper bar - at wheel level - along with the insane, murderous, but above all, remonstrative look of the avenging librarian.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, avenging

Looking at the hooded entity before her, Miss Jane smiled delicately as she sliced yet another strip of gaffa tape ready for a pointed, unpleasant and necessary application.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, unpleasant

Rufus thinks it’s probably a bad idea to Twitter that he’s thinking about robbing the convenience store, but my friend Schuster thinks it’s a good idea because maybe the clerk will Twitter back and give away how much money’s in the register.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, crime, Twitter - the service, lovable criminals, robbery

Rufus thinks that it is next to impossible to torture a reliable confession out of anyone, but my friend Schuster disagrees, and says that he’s more than willing to prove this to Rufus.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, torture

Rufus thought that his mom wouldn’t sell her basement surveillance tapes to the FBI, like she’d threatened over breakfast, but my friend Schuster wasn’t so sure and quietly suggested that maybe it was time to take care of the problem once and for all; the two loud taps of the broom handle on the kitchen floor above clearly said, “Think again.”

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, murderous intentions, FBI, surveillance, intimidation

Years before any real trouble would begin, two scraggly young boys named Rufus & Schuster found a bowler hat floating along the banks of Lake Erie; the boy named Rufus thought it might be fun to throw rocks at the hat, or maybe fish it out of the water and take turns wearing it around town, but the boy named Schuster thought throwing rocks was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, and that what he wanted to do was steal his stepfather’s .22 and take shots at it, but because Rufus was his friend and he didn’t want to hurt his feelings, he told him that they should compromise; “You wear the hat,” Schuster told Rufus, “and I’ll steal the gun and do the shooting.”

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, hats, polite violence, childhood, murderous intentions, bowler hats, Lake Erie, rocks

Rufus thinks that it’s unhealthy for Schuster to fidget so much with his box of bullets, but my friend Schuster thinks fidgeting is the sign of an active, healthy imagination; “Besides,” he told Rufus, “with my fingerprints on them, I’m almost 10% less likely to put one of these in your kneecap someday.”

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, bullets, fidgeting, unsubstantiated statistics, fingerprints

When Keith arrived at the dictionary fight, he was horrified to discover that he’d picked up a comic book by mistake, and tried to explain things to Boot as she closed in; Boot, being the kind and understanding person that she was, told Keith that she understood the rather unfortunate mistake, then gently squeezed his head flat between the pages of her own dictionary, somewhere in the W’s, Keith thought as he blacked out.

    TAGS:  polite violence, dictionary, Scrabble, comic books

“Ah, yes, I think I have the knack of it, now,” said the disapproving librarian as she kicked the round, moist object around like the useless ball of nuisance it truly was.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, disapproving, yobs, nuisance

As the man in front of her tried to sit at her table, clearly full of uneaten food, fresh coffee and a book waiting to be read, the look she turned on him fairly turned his blood to ice and made him flee the premises at speed.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manifestation, malevolence

Down at the pawn shop, Rufus wanted to buy a reasonably priced diamond ring in case he met a good girl this weekend, but my friend Schuster thought the nail gun made more sense, which they could shoot at the basement ceiling if Rufus’ mom wasn’t making the sandwiches fast enough, which was an event, he added, about a billion times more likely to happen.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, diamonds, nail guns

“Why, yes, certainly, at times like this I could just stay calm and put it all in perspective,” said Miss Jane as she looked beatifically upon the bloodied and mangled array, “however, I believe we all must follow our own particular path.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, beatific, perspective

Santa had wondered who the slightly unnerving librarian was that haunted his dreams, and when he finally found her home, he knew he would need the other list.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, lists, striking fear

Showing great reserve, Miss Jane very gently pushed the woman who was standing on the esclator, talking on her mobile phone, complaining loudly about her love life, eating a pie, carrying a shopping basket and blocking the path of other shoppers - so gently, in fact, that the woman merely slid to the ground and was run over by a shopping cart, leaving barely any blood at all.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, rudeness, reserve

If anyone has any bodies they need buried, I’ll be pouring concrete on Saturday.

    TAGS:  polite violence

A portable explosion machine would make millions and be satisfying too.

    TAGS:  polite violence

“You see, when a train is overly full and an older woman appears to be falling over and reaches out to steady herself, the correct approach is not to sneer, but to lend a helping hand,” continued Miss Jane as she deftly returned a bloodied object to the young woman, “ah, I believe this one is yours.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, hands, bloodied, manners, elderly

She watched the truck pour cement through the basement window, a big smile on her face and not an ounce of guilt to be found anywhere.

    TAGS:  parenting, polite violence, Rufus, basements, cement

The bloody trail from the Executive offices could be a clue, but it was certainly not one that Inspector Blucher was inclined to follow.

    TAGS:  fiction, fear, Miss Jane, polite violence, retribution

Rufus thinks that his mom was only joking when she said she was going to kill them all the first time she found them asleep in her living room again, but my friend Schuster isn’t so sure, considering how hard she’d been holding the pillow over his face the last time she’d joked around about it.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence

Rufus thinks that we should practice more beer stealing before stepping things up a notch, but my friend Schuster says that as long as we hit the bank at the right time we’ll be okay, telling Rufus, “Except for the no glass door part, an open bank vault is not all that different than a Circle K beer cooler.”

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, life of crime

“I’m sure what you have to say is reasonable amongst your circle of friends,” Miss Jane whispered as she mopped up the parallel lines of blood, “however I have little time and feel that cutting to the chase is usually best”.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, intolerance

My friend Schuster told Rufus that just because he’d been dreaming about killing him didn’t necessarily mean that he was really going to do it; “Beside,” he told Rufus, “I don’t even own any hand grenades right now.”

    TAGS:  dreams, Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, hand grenades

“Yes, I must admit that I would usually make careful use of a variety of weapons, but in your case,” said Miss Jane as she paused in her repeated dunking motions, “sir, I am assured that this is a most appropriate implementation.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, swimming

My friend Schuster promised Rufus that if he shot him this year, he would only use low caliber bullets so it wouldn’t kill him or hurt as much as last year, which must have moved Rufus because he promised Schuster that if he tried to strangle him in his sleep again he’d wake him first, which probably would make less sense when we all sobered up.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence

“I will hunt her down and kill her in her sleep.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, retribution

As the woman’s head bounced surprisingly gently on each stair, Miss Jane continued her lecture on the inappropriateness of leaving distressed and injured people unaided, feeling sure that her subject would never again transgress this particular social mores.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, injury, steps

Miss Jane methodically carved the last curling “k” of ‘thank’ with her blood ink pen across the ungrateful woman’s forehead, and while the message she left was clear, but polite, it would no doubt make for interesting small-talk in what would needs-be a closed-casket ceremony.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, caskets, thank you

Rufus suggested to everyone in the cell that since it was Memorial Day, it might be nice if everyone shared a story about a time they outran or outsmarted the police; I thought my friend Schuster might like the idea, but when it was his turn he just stared straight at Rufus and asked if anyone else might have a shank they could sell him.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, polite violence, Memorial Day, shank

As Miss Jane stepped away from the last body, she noticed that, without even realising it, she had accidentally arranged the tidy pile of bodies into the shape of an unforgettable smiley face.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, perky, positive attitude, smiley face

Henry loved wrestling the cappuccino monkey every morning.

    TAGS:  coffee, polite violence, puppets, Puppets Who Kill

The gang decided to go with the most complicated plan, so if things went wrong, they wouldn't be surprised.

    TAGS:  polite violence, crime, surprises

a bit tyson-ish :: goliard

Your noncommittal verbage makes me want to hug you unexpectedly. And bite your earlobe off.

    TAGS:  Bent Rule Club, polite violence


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