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Office Work

The last fifteen minutes of my day in this office are so beautifully quiet, they nearly make up for the airport-level noise that went before.

    TAGS:  office work, quiet, noise pollution

sour girl :: pam

If I am ever accidentally happy on the job again, I’ll probably mistake my new lightness of being for acid indigestion; ferociously chewing Rolaids tablets, I will skulk around the office for a week or two until the feeling passes.

    TAGS:  happiness, office work, mistaken, job satisfaction, lightness of being

One wonders who thought a 48-ounce jar of green olives was an office necessity.

    TAGS:  office work, olives, food weirdness, refrigerator

The most challenging aspect of Emily’s job was in constantly tamping down the knowledge of how screamingly pointless her daily work was.

    TAGS:  cubicles, office work, pointless, Emily, padded cells

Continuity :: pam

To the manager who created an office rule that department computers would display only the “star field” screensaver, Carrie wanted to reply: You utterly missed the point of network continuity.

    TAGS:  office work, continuity, screen savers

workaday :: pam

There’s every reason to feel light-hearted this morning - and every manner of e-mail waiting to change all that.

    TAGS:  office work, email, drudgery, workaday

On long, lonely days in the cubicle, with virtually no human interaction, Muriel’s headache seemed a little like a visitor who cared enough to stop by and see her - like it would be a shame to chase it away with aspirin before it had had a chance for a nice long stay.

    TAGS:  Muriel, cubicles, office work, headaches, human interaction

Just how long could she survive, mused Muriel, if she were ever trapped inside this office?

    TAGS:  Muriel, office work, survival, vending machines

The elite workers who have window cubicles are never in on Friday afternoons.

    TAGS:  cubicles, Friday, office work, windows

boss safari :: pam

They are lurking right outside - I sense them! - preparing to pounce on me and force me to perform mendacities on my own spreadsheets.

    TAGS:  office work, bosses, lurking, safari, pouncing

If ever there was a day when I needed to be able to open a trap door under the desk and escape through a secret tunnel, it’s today.

    TAGS:  office work, escape, secret doors, tunnelling

My boss’s demeanor is decidedly chilly; coworkers take their morning walks without inviting me; my phone calls are never returned; my best ballpoint pens have grown legs and walked away; all of this signals the fact that I have some bad workplace karma on my soul.

    TAGS:  karma, office work, workplace karma

“If we traded bodies, like in that movie,” said the 10-year old child to her mother, “you could have my superpower of playing piano tunes in any key, an’ I could have your superpower of being able to sit inside a cubicle.”

    TAGS:  children, cubicles, office work, superpowers, pre-pubescent

You know your office has budgetary issues when you ask to replace your computer mouse - not a fancy ergonomically-correct chair or anything, dammit, just a mouse! - and the supply girl carefully unlocks her cabinet, looks forlornly into the empty space, then offers to go scrounging through semi-abandoned cubicles for a used replacement for you.

    TAGS:  cubicles, office work, budgets, woes, mouse hunting

headlock :: pam

It’s a truth well-known but little acknowledged that when an employee is faced with a new type of workplace pressure, he will revert back to skill sets that saw him through his previous jobs; I’m sure this doesn’t adequately excuse Stevens, the former pro-wrestler, from what he did to the Exec VP at the joint-application development meeting, but maybe it’s a start.

    TAGS:  office work, headlocks, reverting, meetings

Detente :: pam

I no more believe you were in the office promptly at 7:00 than you believe I will take exactly 1/2 an hour for lunch, but in accordance with our treaty, we’ll say nothing to our boss.

    TAGS:  office work, detente, truth and lies

Office avatar :: pam

Muriel came to realize that Spreadsheet was a religion, an attempt to answer humankind’s most profound questions about life and truth, and that she, Muriel, was one of its sacred avatars; wherever she worked, she was recognized on some primal level by supplecants, and beseeched to call down the spirit.

    TAGS:  Muriel, avatar, office work, spreadsheets

Office memo :: pam

Compact disks of the presentation handouts will be available for attendees who do not have computers.

    TAGS:  office work, inane

office koan :: pam

If you don’t get to work on time, but you’re still the first one there, are you really late?

    TAGS:  office work, early, koan

Sometimes, sitting in her beige-walled cube, she imagined herself at the navel of the universe, the center of it all, the world fanning out from her like ripples in water.

    TAGS:  office work, cubical

Rule number 1 :: 'mouse

Seriously, if you are an asshole to the receptionist, do you really think you'll ever get hold of me?

    TAGS:  office work

It really doesn't matter how much you kiss ass and even beg the next time you call, the receptionist not only has caller ID, she has a memory like a goddamn elephant.

    TAGS:  office work

Sir, while I understand the potential liability of the mystery monkey that dropped that peel in your path, your insurance has lapsed and I cannot bill Cornelius for your surgery.

    TAGS:  office work


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