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Murder
relief :: 'mouse

Scott awoke to an overwhelming feeling of relief and cheerful optimism when he realized that he had not murdered his family, burnt the house down and lept to his death off the golden gate bridge.

    TAGS:  death, home, murder, bridges, relief, realization, optimism


The team rolls into place on schedule, and within minutes their shots can be heard echoing up and down the narrow, downtown street, each shot dropping another looter, one by one, into the neat piles that begin to form in front of the storm-damaged shops.

    TAGS:  murder


Never A Good Sign :: bakerina

“Go to your place of peace,” intoned the yoga instructor soothingly, and Bronwyn’s brow unknitted as she thought of the gun in the freezer, wrapped in heavy plastic sheets, duct tape and turkey foil, nestled just behind the vodka bottle, between a packet of petits pois and a bag of chicken…

    TAGS:  secrets, murder


“I never once had murder in my heart,” Bob would later tell the police, “but I think it might be accurate if we say I was murderously grumpy.”

    TAGS:  Bob, murder


Accomplice :: Keith

“I refuse to be an accomplice to murder,” Jim told Perry, “so just back off for a minute; I can do this myself.”

    TAGS:  accomplice, murder


At least I had sense enough to stop discussing the case after my son suggested that maybe a robot had committed the murder.

    TAGS:  robots, murder


Schuster knew he should be paying attention, but he couldn’t help but let his mind wander as he worked through the various ways of killing Mr. Bevins.

    TAGS:  Schuster, attention, murderous intentions, murder, kill, Mr. Bevins


Schuster was sure all the secrets were trying to kill him.

    TAGS:  Schuster, secrets, murder, kill, paranoia


muzak count :: boot

“George, so far I put the body toll at 482 and, I’ll tell you this for nothing, when I find the bastard responsible, I’ll be ringing his neck with my own bare hands.”

    TAGS:  mayhem, murder, Muzak


Illustrious 200: The Spice Cops :: littledevilworks

Detectives Fennel and Caraway trampled the scene of the crime, tracking in the reddish brown cinnamon-like dirt through out the residence; “Dammit,” thought Paprika, “Another murder, another floor to clean.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, crime, cinnamon, murder, dirt, paprika


Thanks largely to Carl B.‘s expert bacon testimony, my friend Schuster says he better understands the acceptable consumption limits of pork, but even more importantly, he now knows how to successfully argue a temporary insanity case involving the murder of anyone who takes the last slice of bacon.

    TAGS:  Schuster, friends, bacon, Carl, murder, legal, testimony, pork


deserving :: You can call me, 'Sir'

Johan thought he was being clever when he chained 100 monkeys to 100 typewriters in his basement in hopes that between bouts of screeching and poop-flinging they might come up with something worthy and he was rewarded when, after a few days, he descended the stairs and read a well-written murder mystery involving (surprisingly) monkeys, but when he asked the title, he received his answer written in ragged crayon on a paper attached to his back via hatchet: ‘Monkey See, Monkey Die’.

    TAGS:  monkeys, murder, poop


In the personal diary that would one day be referred to as Death So Sweet - The Bundt Cake Murders of Helen Perkins, Mrs. Perkins wrote: “Murder is not so unlike marriage, in that both require immense patience and an understanding that there will be many times when an unsavory act must simply be tolerated for the greater good.”

    TAGS:  marriage, murderous intentions, murder, bundt cake, tolerance, Helen Perkins, unsavory acts


Yuck! :: Br. Ezra

Even in the dark Detective Beaver knew the unmistakable plop-plop sounds of wet clumpy viscera hitting the cool basement floor, and the red steam and coppery smell of death rising from the dead body revealing the victims final resting spot were not needed for the policeman to know this was a murder scene.

    TAGS:  murder, homicide detectives, Harry Beaver, gross sounds


sunshine yobs :: boot

Laying back and relaxing in the sun-soaked park was bliss until the gang of rowdy, loud men came rambling through, turning a young woman’s thoughts to bloody, painful murder.

    TAGS:  murder, sunshine, yobs


“I am not without my regrets,” Mrs. Perkins once wrote in her diary, “and it is on glorious Spring mornings such as this one—when the air is fresh and crisp and the day that seems to hold such promise of calm and refreshing redemption is shattered by the nerve rattling screams of that precocious child next door—yes, it is on mornings just such as this that I regret not giving in to that child’s incessant pleading for a slice of the Bundt cake I had prepared especially for his equally bothersome father.”

    TAGS:  murderous intentions, murder, bundt cake, Helen Perkins, unsavory acts


“I would describe my relationship with the kudzu as troublesome, but tolerable,” Helen wrote in her diary; “While I do abhor the constant attack upon my rose garden, I have nothing but high praise for its ability to hide many of my murderous indiscretions.”

    TAGS:  murder, Helen Perkins, kudzu


Rufus thought that a down economy would negatively effect the murder-for-hire business, but my friend Schuster assured him that he had it on good authority from his hitman friend Vincent that it was, in fact, just the opposite, and that Vincent had told him that while there might be times when money was tight, there were never times when “get even” ran out.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, murder, economics, hitmen


Peter told investigators that he came home on the afternoon of April 13 to find his wife had committed suicide in the couple’s home; investigators later realized she had been shot twice in the head; he was arrested for murder.

    TAGS:  murder, stupid criminals, semi-colon abuse


“The men in my life were never much for emotion,” Mrs. Perkins wrote in her diary, “and were, in fact, mostly sedentary creatures, so seeing them dead, by my own hand, never came as much of a shock, as all I had to do was imagine that I’d asked them a question that would never be answered, much as I’d done a thousand times before.”

    TAGS:  murder, Helen Perkins


While a woman might not get away with murder by beating her husband to death with his own shoe, she can receive a lighter sentence by telling the jury that if she’d planned it better she would have used a loafer.

    TAGS:  murder, loafers, Keith's Guides to Everything


 

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