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The perky young woman paused mid-sentence in her rather loud mobile phone conversation about insurance quotes, feeling that something very unpleasant and, indeed, sharp was about to happen to her.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, sharp, unpleasant, mobile phones, just not cricket

invariably it is someone whom i don’t know, yet is still deficient enough in phone manners to, simply because they want to speak with me, demand “is this (my name, often mangled unrecognizably)”; may i help you, i chirp?; “is this (my name, often mangled unrecognizably)”; may i HELP you, i warble; “is this (my name, often mangled unrecognizably)”; i’ve asked you politely three times if i may help you, if you don’t respond to that i won’t help you; “but is this” and i hang up.

    TAGS:  manners

“While I would agree with you that berating other passengers and behaving in a generally abusive and irritating manner certainly does not warrant such a violent response on my part”, said Miss Jane as she paused to wipe the lumps from her bat, “I would have to say that it is unfortunate for you that I am not generally considered to be a reasonable person in these matters.”

    TAGS:  unreasonable, Miss Jane, polite violence, commuting, manners, lumps

Duty :: Keith

“Sir, the gentlemen have pulled up the wickets and thrown them everywhere, and perhaps even worse, are now refusing to take tea in the rose garden.”

    TAGS:  tea, gentlemen, croquet, manners, servants, wickets

Miss Jane found she needed, rather impolitely, to raise her voice to be heard by the woman dangling outside the open doors, “I think it is just possible you may not be aware that at 6.30 in the morning many of your fellow commuters prefer to sleep a little, rather than listen to your raucous, vulgar and, above all, loud commentary,” and as she rattled the woman slightly, she added “so, may I drop you off somewhere?”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, commuting, manners, dangling

the incident :: boot

As the gentleman in front of him removed his hat fully, Mr. Entwhistle knew that matters were about to be ‘on’.

    TAGS:  hats, gentlemen, manners, incidents

As Miss Jane neatly pressed closed each little labeled plastic bag, she continued her polite explanation to the lady still lying partly on the floor, “...and, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned already, not only was that conversation highly inappropriate for a workplace, it is certainly not even an appropriate conversation for anywhere other than one’s own home… oh, dear, I appear to have dropped blood on your shoe.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, manners, extraneous, inutile

Area cashiers mourned the passing of Miss Helene, age 78, the last resident who never tried to make purchases while talking on a cell phone.

    TAGS:  cellphones, manners

After a brief hiatus from her one true path, Miss Jane, in response to the statement “why don’t ya just get fucked, sweethea..” delivers her rage with a disturbing assortment of knives, mallets and, as always, polite, if bloody, mannerisms.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, calling, mallets, knives

unbecoming :: boot

Giraffes should never wear short skirts.

    TAGS:  giraffes, manners, unbecoming, short skirts

As Miss Jane crossed the very busy highway via the pedestrian crossing, she found she had to pause three times, once to attend to an 80 year old who was screaming into his mobile phone as he ignored the people, oncoming trams and cars around him, a second time to deal with a man in his forties who was standing in the middle of the road wondering how to turn on his phone, and a third time to deftly put aside a teenager who was dragging a hand-truck full of water bottles and simultaneously text-messaging on his mobile phone. [Breaking News: Police are yet to uncover the identity of the woman involved in the incident that the media have dubbed Manners, Mobiles and Mayhem.]

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners

Last night as I watched an ad reminding people to cover their mouths when they cough, I wondered “Who on Earth is this for?” until I ended up sitting next to a woman and her 12 year old son who apparently had not only a cold, but a religious obligation to sneeze on the nearest Jew, being me, without covering his mouth.

    TAGS:  colds, manners, hygiene, the dark ages

If I’m reading a book you can certainly take this to mean “please leave me alone, I’m happy in my world of words” and definitely not to mean “ah, yes, I’m only holding this book in front of me as an easy way for you to introduce yourself and start up a happy little chat with ‘good book is it?’”

    TAGS:  commuting, reading, manners

“You see, when a train is overly full and an older woman appears to be falling over and reaches out to steady herself, the correct approach is not to sneer, but to lend a helping hand,” continued Miss Jane as she deftly returned a bloodied object to the young woman, “ah, I believe this one is yours.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, hands, bloodied, manners, elderly

“Yes, I must admit that I would usually make careful use of a variety of weapons, but in your case,” said Miss Jane as she paused in her repeated dunking motions, “sir, I am assured that this is a most appropriate implementation.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, swimming

Some said his imagination was like a small group of well-mannered ducks sipping beer in a pub, politely trying not to look down the waitress’ low-cut blouse as she delivered the second round, but he always scoffed at the notion, reminding them that ducks had an eye on either side of their head, and that the very idea that they could look away from something so tempting, no matter how polite they tried to be, was simply ludicrous.

    TAGS:  ducks, duck - the bird, imagination, blouse, manners, waitress

Last Line :: Keith

Cletis had no qualms about reusing his coffee cup each day without washing, but the morning he didn't rinse off the previous day's coffee-lipped smudges, he sensed he'd crossed the last line of civility.

    TAGS:  coffee, manners, civility, crossing the line, smudged, qualms


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