Where memory comes to rant and rave, and heroes still use Burma-Shave






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Inventions
ime tay :: Jo

Time is one of the more vexing of the inventions, second only to grammar and its famous cousin, fascism.

    TAGS:  time, inventions, cousins, grammar, fascism


rolls :: Keith

The week rolls around much too fast, affirming my belief that calendars are a bad invention.

    TAGS:  time, inventions, calendars


When someone invents a temporary shunt that can be discreetly switched on at parties to bypass the throat and entire digestive tract but not the mouth, it will be a happy day indeed for lovers of butter-based foods.

    TAGS:  food, inventions, butter


The Zombine :: Keith

One of Eli Whitney’s earliest inventions, the zombine, a horse-drawn, combine-type machine capable of finding and killing zombies, quickly became obsolete due to its history of frequent breakdowns while in service—i.e., the zombies kept eating the horses.

    TAGS:  zombies, inventions, horses, Eli Whitney, zombine


Scientists recently discovered many of the chemical bonds found in concrete to also be present in humans, leading speculation in the pharmaceutical industry to the future availability of the so-called “anti-stubborn” pill; Dr. Mengli Bhottwano, lead scientist for the ChemCow team working on the project was quick to point out that a solution is still many years away, adding, “Despite all the testing on the Humacrete™ process, to date not one human has been successfully restructured into an attractive bird bath, although it should be noted that several quality human Buddhas have been created.”

    TAGS:  inventions, Buddha, humacrete, concrete, scientists, pharmaceuticals


Skin Magnet :: Keith

While the skin magnet was originally conceived primarily for military and correctional institution use, new fathers often found it quite useful to place a small one on the underside of their baby’s changing table.

    TAGS:  baby, inventions, wacky ideas, father, magnet


Dr. Leo couldn’t believe he’d miscalculated the spin rate of his newly developed, personal bullet rocket, but Big Billy’s chaffed nipples clearly disproved the math.

    TAGS:  travel, Big Billy, inventions, chaffed, Dr. Leo, math, nipples, rockets


Rufus thinks that the shoelace is one of his favorite inventions of all time, but my friend Schuster tells him he’s wrong because he thinks most shoelaces are too short to make a very effective garrote, which he’s willing to prove if Rufus will hand him a shoe.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, Schuster, Rufus, murderous intentions, inventions, garrote, shoelaces


US Patent #321586 :: Br. Ezra

A durable bungee chord for rectal thermometers to prevent accidental loss during exam.

    TAGS:  inventions, rectal thermometers, U.S. patents


smells like… :: 'mouse

Mimsy, my latest invention, won’t cure your gas, but it will make your farts smell exactly like Dove soap.

    TAGS:  inventions, fart - the thing, Mimsy


I’ve invented a new kind of pressboard that’s made out of unopened bills, which makes excellent coffin wood or squeak-free floor joists for soon-to-be repossessed dream homes; I’d mail you a brochure but I’ve used them all to build myself a more practical wooden head.

    TAGS:  heads, inventions, coffins


No one knows for sure who invented the ice cube.

    TAGS:  inventions, ice cubes, Keith's Guides to Everything


Peter, a clever but unsuccessful inventor, never made any money from his E-shaped pasties.

    TAGS:  boobies, inventions, pasties


 

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