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House Giraffes

My rules regarding giraffes in the house are simple: no running except in the hall, no kicking at the dog, no peering around doorways, and necks down in the dining room to avoid the chandelier.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, dogs, anihumorianism, giraffes, chandeliers, house giraffes

Keith became a rich man after inventing the stick-on Scrine scab, but lost it all after falling for a scam artist selling miniature house giraffes.

    TAGS:  giraffes, house giraffes, scabs

After years of therapy, I was finally able to admit that lying about owning a house giraffe was actually nothing more than a lifetime of pent up frustration regarding my mother’s embarrassingly long neck.

    TAGS:  giraffes, embarrassment, lies, house giraffes, therapy

If your house giraffe is to remain healthy, it is important to schedule daily walks of at least thirty minutes; on windy days, however, walks should be avoided, or at the very least, scheduled for the evening hours in order to avoid your giraffe becoming tangled in the neighborhood children’s kite strings.

    TAGS:  giraffes, house giraffes

It was a grand plan—stay up late into the night making mad passionate love to a pad of paper and his long missing muse—but somehow everything went awry when his house giraffe, working that long, blue tongue of his for what must have been hours, managed to loosen the lid on the jar of tryptophan wine that he’d thought he’d stored safely away, high upon the shelf above his desk.

    TAGS:  animals, ridiculous encounters, giraffes, house giraffes, muses, tryptophan

During his teen years, my house giraffe refused to go out into the rain, claiming that the neighbors laughed at his umbrella.

    TAGS:  umbrellas, giraffes, house giraffes

specists :: Keith

Harold did not consider himself a specist, even though he secretly blamed his neighbor’s house giraffe for bringing down home values in the neighborhood and once almost went as far as writing species-related slurs on the side of his neighbor’s garage.

    TAGS:  giraffes, house giraffes, neighbors

When bathing your house giraffe, it’s very easy to forget to wash behind its ears, so always do that first.

    TAGS:  giraffes, house giraffes

When taking your house giraffe out for an evening at the ballet, keep in mind that he’ll be much more comfortable if you reserve him two seats; also, others attending will appreciate if you sit in the back.

    TAGS:  giraffes, ballet, house giraffes

Weiner Scarves :: Keith

“Could I possibly substitute badger for something more readily available and affordable,” Mildred asked, “such as house giraffe or dachshund?”

    TAGS:  badgers, house giraffes


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