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John was surprised to learn that Heaven had only one duck, but even more surprised when the duck waddled over and introduced himself as God.
The orchestral composition, a memorial to 9/11, started quite tempestuously, but ended with a musical prayer for mercy and salvation; puzzled by her own ambivalance over the piece, she realized she was not yet ready to forgive God for that day.
Just once, I’d like the earth to give a good strong jerk, kind of like if God’s foot slipped off the clutch while he was shifting gears, so that I can watch all the people fall down at the same time.
“I really should have stopped after rocks,” God reminisced one day from the comfort of his hammock, “because if you ask me, the rest of it ended up a bit on the soft side.”
Dignity is as real as God.
“Since I’m made in his image, that means he’s a depressed, underachieving, balding, middle-aged white guy going soft around the middle,” Bob said to his beer, “That explains a lot.”
God looked in the mirror and thought, “Carp bait, now he’s gone and made me in HIS image!”
“Thank you in advance for not praying for me, as it’s an ‘act of god’ to begin with!”
It’s true: if “intelligent design” is in fact fact, then I have no one to blame for the virus in my body except God herself.
“In the beginning,” God told the Geeks For God convention, “I created the world using only web-safe, hexidecimal colors, which worked fine until sometime around the year 1173 A.D., as I’m sure you’re all aware of.”
“In the beginning,” God told the Geeks For God convention, “I created the world using only web-safe, hexidecimal colors, which worked fine until sometime around the year 1173 A.D., as I’m sure you’re all aware of; but enough about the beginning of time, let’s get to the final judging of this year’s Miss Pocket Protector competition!”
Due to ongoing litigation between God and the Microsoft Corporation, namely in regards to exclusive rights over use of the word, and/or title, God, including any and all known and unknown variations, this year’s Geeks For God convention has been postponed until further notice.
If you live in town where the bars line up like blackbirds on an electric wire, then you probably also believe God was a working stiff, and that he’d want… no, he’d demand that you drop to your knees (or sit on a stool is fine) and pay homage to each and every one of them on the way home from work.
More proof that the goddess in charge loves tropical countries best.
No one I know worships God’s socks, but then I haven’t met everyone.
On earth there are some folks who believe in god, some who believe in the devil and some who believe in both - in the scrineverse there are some that believe in Keith or the Great Bird and maybe even the divinities of ‘other things’ but many are confused about who to believe in when it comes to powers of the equal opposite - could it be… ‘Dark Steve’?
“Just because I occasionally like to take the shape of meatloaf,” said God, “doesn’t mean you should eat me.”
“I don’t eat you just because you occasionally take the shape of meatloaf,” said God.
A minute ago there was a sentence here about God in the form of a meatloaf, which was the first thing to make me chortle today, and now it is gone, leaving to me wonder if the lord has smote the heretical sentence; I suppose that is better, however, than wondering if there is a lord at all.
Thanks to The Limerick Edition, Carl had a much easier time with God.
The singular of Moses is Mose Not something that everyone knows Who added the S Is anyone’s guess But probably God, I suppose.
Henry Cooper said that he hired Thor because he thought he’d be good at raking leaves, but that was before he knew how many rakes the Norse god would break.
The concept of Original Procrastination is not well-received by most Christians, but basically states that God should have needed only three or four days to get the work done.
No one at Cat Church actually believes that thunder is the sound of God giving himself a tongue bath, but I did find that if you bring it up, many in the congregation will begin to purr.
“Of course, then there’s the whole matter of the humans.”
Because the state couldn’t find a way to tax my soul, I was informed by their accountant that I was free to do with it as I pleased, but that any pursuits that resulted in monetary gain would need to be reported; later that day two Mormon boys stopped by the house to to give me what I often refer to as “spiritual accounting” advice, but I told them that I still found spiritual taxation without representation preferable to anything I’d read in their pamphlets, thanked them for their time, then turned the dog loose to hasten things along.
When the resident asked him to take off his shoes before entering the bedroom because, as she so plainly put it, “God is in there,” the only thing that came to mind was the image of God stopping by the office to fill out the rental application.
When the applicant pointed out that her husband’s job before becoming a missionary had been at Starbucks, the chief couldn’t help but say, “Coffee and God - both important jobs.”
God likes sex so much that the world grows raw and has trouble walking most mornings.
As the handsome gay man at the uptown gay bar continued to compliment her, Bunni realized that God gives you exactly what you want in the least useful form possible.
What if there is a God and he really does speak to her?
Cratos went flying through the air, attached to blades which were severed into the claws of a water horse, which Posiden was riding.
Upon arriving in Heaven, Henry was pleased to find out that God had plans for a big budget musical comedy based on his life, but was ultimately disappointed when he auditioned for the lead role and was immediately shown the door to Hell.
Forget the chicken and the egg, the real Biblical enigma is how God could create pigs from bacon.
Juan wondered if there was a new god in charge, what with lightning strikes on Touchdown Jesus and on the BP oil rig, both in the same week, and he chuckled and decided he kind of liked the new, old-fashioned approach.
In light of the giant pancake, it follows that there would be some who believed God was a frying pan of immeasurable size and power, but they would not believe that Jesus was syrup and the Holy Ghost butter, because that would just be silly.
At first it seemed disgusting that their god sweated fresh roasted coffee, but once he’d carefully explained to them the convenience of such a miracle, they worshipped him with even greater fervor.
CNN Headline News: God is Dead; Detectives seek Satan as Person of Interest.
Every so often on Facebook I will see that someone posted, “If God has ever answered a prayer click ‘like’” - well, I can’t really say if God has ever answered any of my prayers - not really - but, she did create girls and I have to definitely love her for that (so, maybe God has answered my prayers after all).
“Oh, there’ll be ducks involved,” God told the stenographer, “but if I mention them here they’ll never take my word seriously.”
There is no god, but Cecile B. DeMille and Charlton Heston is his prophet.
On Monday morning I asked God if he wanted to help me clean up all the weekend’s dirty dishes, reminding him ever so gently that half were his, but he assured me, when it came to dishes, I was his chosen people.
The human operating system went through many versions before god could edit out the logic loop that, when stuck pondering the meaning of life, caused the system to crash due to the absurdity that we find ourselves existing when it is equally probable that we shouldn’t exist in the first place; therefore a religious belief subroutine needed to be implemented to supply answers that seemed logical despite the lack of physical evidence, fortunately the “patch” gave subjective realities a general feeling of truth, making only a small percentage of those using software version 2.0 likely to even question it.
The Baptist hound wandered into town on his never-ending search for converts, his nose lifted to the sky as he sniffed the air for the telltale smell of incontinence, God’s number one pride-breaker.
"You're not a Christian so I'm not even going to talk to you," she said, and all I could think was, "Thank God!"
I read most of the right books, but I never found God, or some false god, or myself, or a giving tree with enough apples to sell and enough trunk to build a boat to take me far, far away from here.
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