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ducks :: Imaginary Keith

John was surprised to learn that Heaven had only one duck, but even more surprised when the duck waddled over and introduced himself as God.

    TAGS:  afterlife, god, duck - the bird, Heaven - the place, waddle

The orchestral composition, a memorial to 9/11, started quite tempestuously, but ended with a musical prayer for mercy and salvation; puzzled by her own ambivalance over the piece, she realized she was not yet ready to forgive God for that day.

    TAGS:  music, god, prayer, forgiveness, mercy, orchestra, salvation

clutch :: Keith

Just once, I’d like the earth to give a good strong jerk, kind of like if God’s foot slipped off the clutch while he was shifting gears, so that I can watch all the people fall down at the same time.

    TAGS:  god, jerk, clutch, slip

miniscing :: Keith

“I really should have stopped after rocks,” God reminisced one day from the comfort of his hammock, “because if you ask me, the rest of it ended up a bit on the soft side.”

    TAGS:  god, afterthought, hammock, rocks

You Decide :: Keith

Dignity is as real as God.

    TAGS:  god, dignity

Bob ponders god :: 'mouse

“Since I’m made in his image, that means he’s a depressed, underachieving, balding, middle-aged white guy going soft around the middle,” Bob said to his beer, “That explains a lot.”

    TAGS:  Bob, god, depression, balding, middle-age

God Ponders Bob :: Keith

God looked in the mirror and thought, “Carp bait, now he’s gone and made me in HIS image!”

    TAGS:  god, carp

“Thank you in advance for not praying for me, as it’s an ‘act of god’ to begin with!”

    TAGS:  god, prayer

It’s true: if “intelligent design” is in fact fact, then I have no one to blame for the virus in my body except God herself.

    TAGS:  god, intelligent design

Guest Speaker :: Keith

“In the beginning,” God told the Geeks For God convention, “I created the world using only web-safe, hexidecimal colors, which worked fine until sometime around the year 1173 A.D., as I’m sure you’re all aware of.”

    TAGS:  god, guest speaker

“In the beginning,” God told the Geeks For God convention, “I created the world using only web-safe, hexidecimal colors, which worked fine until sometime around the year 1173 A.D., as I’m sure you’re all aware of; but enough about the beginning of time, let’s get to the final judging of this year’s Miss Pocket Protector competition!”

    TAGS:  god, guest speaker

Due to ongoing litigation between God and the Microsoft Corporation, namely in regards to exclusive rights over use of the word, and/or title, God, including any and all known and unknown variations, this year’s Geeks For God convention has been postponed until further notice.

    TAGS:  god, apocalypse, guest speaker

Blue Collar God :: Keith

If you live in town where the bars line up like blackbirds on an electric wire, then you probably also believe God was a working stiff, and that he’d want… no, he’d demand that you drop to your knees (or sit on a stool is fine) and pay homage to each and every one of them on the way home from work.

    TAGS:  work, god, drinking, blackbirds, blue collar

Bananas :: 'mouse

More proof that the goddess in charge loves tropical countries best.

    TAGS:  fruit, food, god, bananas, goddess

God’s Socks :: Keith

No one I know worships God’s socks, but then I haven’t met everyone.

    TAGS:  god, socks

comparisons :: grudknows

On earth there are some folks who believe in god, some who believe in the devil and some who believe in both - in the scrineverse there are some that believe in Keith or the Great Bird and maybe even the divinities of ‘other things’ but many are confused about who to believe in when it comes to powers of the equal opposite - could it be… ‘Dark Steve’?

    TAGS:  god, belief, devil, comparison, divinity, great bird

in poor taste :: steve

“Just because I occasionally like to take the shape of meatloaf,” said God, “doesn’t mean you should eat me.”

    TAGS:  god, meatloaf, poor taste

“I don’t eat you just because you occasionally take the shape of meatloaf,” said God.

    TAGS:  god, meatloaf

A minute ago there was a sentence here about God in the form of a meatloaf, which was the first thing to make me chortle today, and now it is gone, leaving to me wonder if the lord has smote the heretical sentence; I suppose that is better, however, than wondering if there is a lord at all.

    TAGS:  god, chortle, meatloaf, heretical, sleep deprived

Thanks to The Limerick Edition, Carl had a much easier time with God.

    TAGS:  god, limericks, Holy Bible

The singular of Moses is Mose Not something that everyone knows Who added the S Is anyone’s guess But probably God, I suppose.

    TAGS:  god, limericks, Moses

Henry Cooper said that he hired Thor because he thought he’d be good at raking leaves, but that was before he knew how many rakes the Norse god would break.

    TAGS:  god, mythology, break, leaves, Henry Cooper, rakes, Thor

The concept of Original Procrastination is not well-received by most Christians, but basically states that God should have needed only three or four days to get the work done.

    TAGS:  procrastination, god

No one at Cat Church actually believes that thunder is the sound of God giving himself a tongue bath, but I did find that if you bring it up, many in the congregation will begin to purr.

    TAGS:  god, cat church, religion, thunder

“Of course, then there’s the whole matter of the humans.”

    TAGS:  god, pubs

Because the state couldn’t find a way to tax my soul, I was informed by their accountant that I was free to do with it as I pleased, but that any pursuits that resulted in monetary gain would need to be reported; later that day two Mormon boys stopped by the house to to give me what I often refer to as “spiritual accounting” advice, but I told them that I still found spiritual taxation without representation preferable to anything I’d read in their pamphlets, thanked them for their time, then turned the dog loose to hasten things along.

    TAGS:  god, dog, IRS, taxes, Mormons

When the resident asked him to take off his shoes before entering the bedroom because, as she so plainly put it, “God is in there,” the only thing that came to mind was the image of God stopping by the office to fill out the rental application.

    TAGS:  work, god, The Chief, belief, shoes

When the applicant pointed out that her husband’s job before becoming a missionary had been at Starbucks, the chief couldn’t help but say, “Coffee and God - both important jobs.”

    TAGS:  coffee, work, god, The Chief, Starbucks, missionary

God Likes Sex :: Keith

God likes sex so much that the world grows raw and has trouble walking most mornings.

    TAGS:  god, sex

As the handsome gay man at the uptown gay bar continued to compliment her, Bunni realized that God gives you exactly what you want in the least useful form possible.

    TAGS:  god, compliments, gay, useless gifts

What if there is a God and he really does speak to her?

    TAGS:  god

The God of War :: Spartacus

Cratos went flying through the air, attached to blades which were severed into the claws of a water horse, which Posiden was riding.

    TAGS:  water, god, war, destiny, blades, mythology, cratos, horses, Greek, Poseidon

Upon arriving in Heaven, Henry was pleased to find out that God had plans for a big budget musical comedy based on his life, but was ultimately disappointed when he auditioned for the lead role and was immediately shown the door to Hell.

    TAGS:  Henry, god, ridiculous encounters, Heaven - the place, Hell - the place, musical comedy

Forget the chicken and the egg, the real Biblical enigma is how God could create pigs from bacon.

    TAGS:  god, bacon, creation, pigs, enigmas, Keith's Guides to Everything

New God :: 'mouse

Juan wondered if there was a new god in charge, what with lightning strikes on Touchdown Jesus and on the BP oil rig, both in the same week, and he chuckled and decided he kind of liked the new, old-fashioned approach.

    TAGS:  god, BP fiasco, lightning

In light of the giant pancake, it follows that there would be some who believed God was a frying pan of immeasurable size and power, but they would not believe that Jesus was syrup and the Holy Ghost butter, because that would just be silly.

    TAGS:  god, creationist myths, pancakes

At first it seemed disgusting that their god sweated fresh roasted coffee, but once he’d carefully explained to them the convenience of such a miracle, they worshipped him with even greater fervor.

    TAGS:  coffee, god

Breaking News :: Br. Ezra

CNN Headline News: God is Dead; Detectives seek Satan as Person of Interest.

    TAGS:  god, CNN, news, Satan, headlines, god is dead

Every so often on Facebook I will see that someone posted, “If God has ever answered a prayer click ‘like’” - well, I can’t really say if God has ever answered any of my prayers - not really - but, she did create girls and I have to definitely love her for that (so, maybe God has answered my prayers after all).

    TAGS:  god, Facebook, girls

“Oh, there’ll be ducks involved,” God told the stenographer, “but if I mention them here they’ll never take my word seriously.”

    TAGS:  ducks, god, ducks - the bird

Reverting :: Br. Ezra

There is no god, but Cecile B. DeMille and Charlton Heston is his prophet.

    TAGS:  god, Charlton Heston, Cecile B. Demille, reverting, prophets

On Monday morning I asked God if he wanted to help me clean up all the weekend’s dirty dishes, reminding him ever so gently that half were his, but he assured me, when it came to dishes, I was his chosen people.

    TAGS:  god, dishes

The human operating system went through many versions before god could edit out the logic loop that, when stuck pondering the meaning of life, caused the system to crash due to the absurdity that we find ourselves existing when it is equally probable that we shouldn’t exist in the first place; therefore a religious belief subroutine needed to be implemented to supply answers that seemed logical despite the lack of physical evidence, fortunately the “patch” gave subjective realities a general feeling of truth, making only a small percentage of those using software version 2.0 likely to even question it.

    TAGS:  god, absurdity, humans, meaning of life, Human Operating System, Religious Belief, software

The Baptist hound wandered into town on his never-ending search for converts, his nose lifted to the sky as he sniffed the air for the telltale smell of incontinence, God’s number one pride-breaker.

    TAGS:  god, Baptists, hounds

Thank god :: 'mouse

"You're not a Christian so I'm not even going to talk to you," she said, and all I could think was, "Thank God!"

    TAGS:  god, hypocrisy

I tried so hard. :: OhNo789

I read most of the right books, but I never found God, or some false god, or myself, or a giving tree with enough apples to sell and enough trunk to build a boat to take me far, far away from here.

    TAGS:  books, god, boats, trying, far away, The Giving Tree


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