A layman's guide to decency, love & polite violence






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Etiquette

When inviting someone to an event, don’t say “turn up anytime” unless you really mean ‘turn up anytime’.

    TAGS:  etiquette, etiquette guide, precision


technology :: boot

Dante stared at the bad news on his phone and muttered “just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.”

    TAGS:  technology, etiquette, inappropriate


Dear Complete and Utter Bastard Jenkins, why don’t you just piss off you interfering busy-body thank you for the useful advice, don’t you think I have a brain of my own and am capable using a smegging search engine?! it was thoughtful of you to send me the information.

    TAGS:  etiquette, email


Dear Immigrant: :: 'mouse

I believe we have discussed the fact that you are to do your best not to leave muddy shoeprints on the toilet seat, now let’s review some additional men’s room etiquette.

    TAGS:  toilets, etiquette, behavior, immigration


If a woman leaves her seat in a hotel lobby and forgets her fur piece, a gentleman picks it up and goes after her with it, then as he catches up with her, touches her arm lightly, hands her the forgotten scarf, tips his hat, and turns away immediately, as she thanks him.

    TAGS:  etiquette


If a man gives up his seat to a woman accompanied by another man, both men should touch their hats without actually removing them.

    TAGS:  etiquette


Wedgie Etiquette :: Br. Ezra

When giving your friend an Atomic Wedgie it is important to follow the proper wedgie etiquitte of the city in which you live.

    TAGS:  atomic, etiquette, underwear, childish, pranks, wedgie


Dear Abby, could you please remind your readers that it’s impolite to call your neighborhood drunk after 9pm when I’m drunk or before 10am when I am hungover.

    TAGS:  etiquette, drunk, hangovers, Dear Abby, impoliteness, telephone - the act


In these troubled times, you have to be careful when commenting upon the health of a government accountant, even if it is cold and flu season; for instance, if the accountant sneezes during your meeting, show concern, but try to avoid saying, “Gesundheit,” which will only result in you being asked to surrender your passport.

    TAGS:  accountants, etiquette, government, paranoia, passport


Caught, Again :: Keith

The way Peter saw it, if you weren’t supposed to drink straight from the milk carton there’d be laws against it or something, and besides, why else would they make the opening the same size as his lips.

    TAGS:  Peter, etiquette, milk


Rufus claimed it wasn’t bad etiquette to make guttural noises while on the toilet, especially if you had bad gas, but my friend Schuster vehemently disagreed and told Rufus that as soon as he finished washing his hair he was getting out of the shower to kill him.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, Schuster, Rufus, ridiculous encounters, murderous intentions, etiquette


Rufus thinks the key to phone etiquette when dealing with any customer service department is patience, but my friend Schuster thinks this is hogwash and says he will continue working on a way to send bullets flying through the phone lines, which he claims will speed things up considerably.

    TAGS:  Rufus & Schuster, Schuster, Rufus, murderous intentions, etiquette, patience


If some guy is sitting on the toilet in the mens room talking on his cell phone should you flush the urinal repeatedly to let his caller know he’s an idiot and an asshole or should you avoid flushing and exit quietly or does the answer depend of how much he’s stunk up the place?

    TAGS:  etiquette, cellphones


visceral :: boot

Apparently, disembowelling people at a meeting is, to say the least, mildly frowned upon.

    TAGS:  cubicles, etiquette, visceral, disembowelling


Doom Etiquette :: boot

When foretelling of doom, it is always considered polite to end such ill forebodings with a loud, manic laugh.

    TAGS:  doom, etiquette, manic


Divorce Etiquette :: Br. Ezra

Belinda toweled herself off with Dexter’s dignity.

    TAGS:  etiquette, divorce, dignity


After speaking at great length with Naombo, my guide and traveling companion, I began to realize that the rules of cannibalism etiquette were, at least as far as I could understand them, very similar to our country’s “Kissing Cousin” guidelines; this made dining at night much less disturbing, since I was almost positive I was related to no one within 4000 miles of our camp.

    TAGS:  etiquette, cannibalism, kissing cousins, Naombo


Never complain about long hair to a bald man.

    TAGS:  etiquette


When you find yourself in the restroom next to someone who is clearly having a telephone job interview while they are sitting on the toilet do you a) leave quietly without flushing to show them every possible courtesy or b) flush loudly and slam the stall door so the employer doesn't hire this idiot?

    TAGS:  etiquette, ethics, cell phone


 

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