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Twilight is the best time to understand dogs.
Bob had many cats, and had taught all of them to walk around the house on their hind legs, which he thought made them look proper and sophisticated; it also irritated his one and only dog, whom he had never liked very much.
In the time it took me to bring the return shipping box into the house, open it, and pack my broken laptop inside, Checkers the dog was able to coat the box, the foam packing material, the sealing tape, and the shipping label with fur—all without waking up or getting off of the couch!
As a dog who had wholeheartedly embraced the efficiencies of the 21st century, Rover felt no need to go outside, choosing instead to take his regular morning walk through his electronic neighborhood, sniffing amongst various blogs for news of his friends.
“No, Towser,” shouted the witch, “Bad dog - drop that bag of powdered bat wing!”
And while a pile of bones buried beneath two feet of earth is seldom thought of as being on the move, that is exactly what this particular pile of bones was doing, having made their arrangement with the hermit’s unsuspecting dog, who each morning dropped another one of them off at the hermit’s door, covered in fresh saliva.
“Fear the ruse,” Henry would whisper each night into his wife’s ear while she slept, trying hard to ignore their dog’s cold stare.
In case you were wondering, it is in fact possible for a dog to cram both a long-legged, squeaking lamb and a plush rainbow trout into his mouth at the same time.
I’m sure my first mistake was even loaning my van to my brother’s dog, but the biggest mistake I made was not taking out shedding insurance.
Sometimes when the cat pukes I miss not having a dog around because they’re so good at cleaning that stuff up.
Where did all these DOG people come from?
A dog only has sweat glands in the nose and in the bottoms of the paws, which explains why a dog’s paws always smell like corn chips, but not why a dog’s nose smells sausages even before they’re even unwrapped.
To Muriel’s surprise, the chihuahua mix she adopted was not inclined to be a lap dog; on the rare occasion when it craved human company at all, it preferred to lie on a person’s foot - a fact which sometimes made walking a little difficult.
Because they have paws rather than hands, I’ve found that dogs (at least mine) actually prefer shooting craps to playing cards, which even includes Pinochle, I was surprised to find out.
Blaze let out one quick bark and assumed a point position every time he saw the scrinebird appear on his master’s computer.
When you put this collar on me, and I entered this life of servitude, I didn’t say a word about it, because I loved you; but this, this vegan dog food - well, if you’d ever bothered to taste it, you’d understand why I’m going to have to put you down now.
Though she had lived with her fair share of both all her life, Patti was still amazed at how long dogs and men could sleep.
Even if you don’t feed your dogs at the table, they’re imaginative enough to place themselves where food might accidentally land.
It turns out my father used to offer to take the dog on a walk every night so he could go over to his mistress’s house; and here I’d thought he was heroically selfless.
Dogs take one job upon themselves, one job above all others, to which they devote an admirable single-mindedness of purpose their entire lives - admirable, that is, unless it involves insanely barking at a basketball hoop at 5:30 every morning.
I suspect all cats and dogs consider their true name to be ‘Fang’, even (especially) the pink-ribboned ones named Tiddles.
Behind one sliding door of the pantry was food, while behind the other was the vacuum cleaner; the dog knew the difference - it even knew the difference between the sounds of the doors - and so the dog’s raw-edged emotions toward Pantry ranged between hopefulness and sheer panic.
I wonder why some barking in this neighborhood must be immediately and gustily answered by my two dogs, while other barks barely rate a flickered eyelid.
Two years had passed since that old Baptist hound had took off looking for sinners, but suddenly there he was, staring through the screen door at me like he’d just spotted his first one.
If you feel your dog is watching too much daytime television, feel free to take him to your afternoon IRS meeting, but under no circumstances should you allow the dog to hump the agent since any pups she might later have would be nearly impossible to give away.
After Jeremiah had asked why he showed up all the time, Gerry just smiled and mumbled through his bread: “I’m like a lost puppy; I always come back and when you scare me I piddle on the carpet.”
“A single dog sneeze contains nearly 10 million boredom spores,” Dr. Leo informed the first year veternarian students, “and that’s why, more than any other reason, he remains man’s best friend.”
My rules regarding giraffes in the house are simple: no running except in the hall, no kicking at the dog, no peering around doorways, and necks down in the dining room to avoid the chandelier.
It was the dog that brought Leonard the cold which laid him out on the couch for a week, and while the dog proceeded to have a great time, contentedly sleeping with its head on Leonard’s stomach day after day, the cat grew incensed at the loss of its best nap spot, and began to plot revenge.
It should come as no surprise that dogs often find it extra hard to accept Jesus as their personal savior while attending Cat Church.
One of the many differences between my dog and John Lennon is that my dog says he would never hump Yoko’s leg.
“Yes, it’s good you’ve learned your Latin roots,” I told the dog, “but we still need to work on your diction.”
My dog says he’s my best friend, but I’m not sure I trust him; for instance, not once has he offered to show me the pictures in his wallet.
Fender’s dogs never missed him when he was away, but they did remember him with fondness upon his return.
They may act like it, but dogs are not our li’l babies - they are alien lifeforms with inexplicable motives and soft, soft fur.
Josie liked to tell people that she was the reincarnation of one of her own dogs (or vice versa), explaining that, if it was possible to live more than one life, a little thing like the manipulation of time and space could not be that tough.
Based on my rescued St. Bernard’s extreme lack of brain cells, I’m pretty sure she grew up in a garage with access to lots of airplane glue, gasoline and sharpies.
Scruffy, Alfonzo and Roo could instantly tell that the new Bichon was a lady with a past.
Neil didn’t appreciate the sound of his wife’s snores; the dog, disturbed mostly by the thought of Neil scowling in the dark, passed some gas to help get his master back on track.
The dog woke up, barely in time for his morning nap.
The dog patted the man on the forehead three or four times, a gentle reminder that his morning urination routine was just as important as saving the universe, or perfect bare skin, or impossible slides down the sides of mountains, or whatever other nonsense too much cake had caused him to dream about.
Humans not welcome, unless our tails are wagging and then you know we can’t resist you.
If you want your dog to embrace your Christian beliefs, never mention the word catechism unless you tell him its a bottomless void at the edge of Heaven where God tosses all the dead cats.
If you want your cat to embrace your Christian beliefs, never mention the word dogma unless you tell him it’s Latin for “No Dogs Allowed.”
How many times must I show my dog how to play checkers….this is getting old.
Ever since I got a dog, I never use my garbage disposal.
Ever since I got a dog, I never use my dishwasher.
At first the new breed of talking dogs were very happy, but when they realized they had no way of paying a cell phone bill, they grew despondent and started losing their hair.
“Just because there’s two of them doesn’t mean we can let the wiener dogs get the upper hand,” Henry told his dog, “so when you’re done with that one, you better give those shrubs over there a good squirt.”
The real reason wiener dogs frolic across your lawn is, the grass tickles their bellies.
Some thought it was cruel that he’d taught his dog how to send text messages, but only after they found out that he’d given his dog’s number out to the neighborhood’s stray cats.
The hit television show “Heroes” was originally conceived with an all-dog cast, but ran into trouble when the Hollywood Dog Actors Guild demanded that all the characters have super poker playing power.
“If you do decide to replace me after I’m gone,” my dog told me, “what ever you do, don’t name him Pip unless you’re thinking about beating the dickens out of him, because if that’s the case, you can’t not name him Pip.”
“In theory,” my dog said, “I could be considered nothing more than a rebound relationship, a replacement for your last dog, but when you consider that I, myself, have lived with not one, but two different humans, then I suppose the same thing might be true of you.”
“No, this doesn’t mean I’m breaking up with you,” my dog said, “but just to be safe, you might want to break out that bag of cookies you bought last night.”
As if dogs could be any worse drivers than their human overlords.
Music soothes the savage mailman.
On January 2nd, Henry began to realize he wouldn’t be able to live up to his New Year’s resolution to stop thinking that his dog took so many naps in order to dream about something so devious that it would take a second New Year’s resolution to try and forget about it if he ever did happen to discover what it was his dog was dreaming about.
My dog always sleeps in late on Saturday mornings, but of course, he does start every day off by saying, “What? I can’t believe it’s Saturday again.”
Two dogs stuck together after coupling is an excellent metaphor for something.
Sometimes my dog cuddles up too close and I get some dogeye fluid in my eye and for about a half an hour everything looks like a tasty snack.
It was so cold, in fact, that Muriel's normally insane dogs did not rally round her ankles to be taken on their evening walk - opting, instead, to bury themselves in the bedclothes, no doubt hoping to be mistaken for lumps that just happen to breathe.
My dog's New Year's resolution was to always use a washcloth instead of his tongue when cleaning up his crotch, and even though I knew he'd never be able to live up to it, I was supportive and said, "Great resolution! I wish I'd thought of it."
"I'm sure you're a great kisser, Barkley," Henry said to his dog, "but if it's all the same to you, I'll just take your word for it."
Luckily I named my dog Rhetorical so when people catch me asking him questions I can pretend it makes perfect sense.
Fodor's Dog-to-English Dictionary included 208 different words just to describe fire hydrant smells, a fact which led Fender to revise his timetable for learning a new language.
As Henry worked on his long list of neglected things, he found it slightly irritating that his dog found it necessary to repeatedly clear his throat.
As much as I appreciate my dog sounding the alarm whenever something out of the ordinary happens, I find it a little embarrassing he needs to bark when I clean the kitchen.
There was a time where I thought that carrying around one of those philosophical tomes and displaying it prominently at the hipster coffee shop while I tried to look suave and available was the way to pick up women; it never worked; eventually I learned that you can pick up far more women with a golden retriever flying wingman and if the women don't go home with you you you are still gonna get unconditional love and unlimited sloppy wet kisses.
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