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Cows
straight lines :: Keith

When it comes to walking straight lines here on this farm, the order goes: cow, duck, chicken, rabbit, cat, human, dog; yet oddly enough, when it comes to telling a straight story, the order goes: cow, duck, chicken, rabbit, cat, dog, human.

    TAGS:  chickens, cats, ducks, duck - the bird, chicken - the bird, cows, country life, humans, rabbits, farm life


mccallister boys :: Keith

Although everyone in town knew Lester McCallister was sharp as a whip, they never suspected he’d go on to become the reigning Redneck Jeopardy champion, although Lester’s father, Lester Sr., would often tell them that the incident with the cow should have tipped them off.

    TAGS:  cows, incidents, rednecks


Cows :: Keith

If the whole world became Vegans, would there be a feral cow problem?

    TAGS:  cows, vegan, pondering, feral


Splurp :: boot

The exploded remains of the cow sogged purpily about the place and Becky knew, she just knew, that this time the potato snake was on the scene.

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, purple, harlequin, cows, soggy, potato snake


As far as I’m concerned she can just go and be a cow in a horse universe.

    TAGS:  cows, misunderstandings, pun title


Moot (n), orig. misspelling of the past tense of moo (mooed/mood), probably refers to a boviform tale, e.g., “The cow moot at the farmer’s cold hands.”

    TAGS:  words, cows, moo, moot


“But daa-ad, cows aren’t cute—except baby calves, of course.. .”

    TAGS:  cows, cute


Wanted: One Cow :: boot

Preferably Friesian, loud moo-ing okay, milk-producing a must.

    TAGS:  cows, moo


haiku a cow might write :: You can call me, 'Sir'

Yank the teat gently, for it is not yours and the pleasure is not mine.

    TAGS:  poetry, audio, cows, haiku, pleasure, gentleness, teats


I really love cows and every time I see them I want to give them a bit cuddly kiss.

    TAGS:  beauty, cows, smooch


“Boing, BOING, BOIING” said the juniper berry bush to the maestro, as the parade of bouncing cows kerthudded by.

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, harlequin, cows, boing, maestro, kerthud


The maestro and the juniper berry bush discussed their bel canto opera long into the night; the maestro was very excited about working in such a pastoral setting, and the juniper berry bush was hopeful that the cows would have the necessary agility and pitch control to pull off a convincing performance.

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, cows, Becky-friends, opera, maestro


MOOOOOn River :: boot

George’s greatest regret was that he never had the opportunity to do the big cow dance scene just how he envisioned it in his dreams.

    TAGS:  cows, musicals, moon river


The butter aliens, safely hidden away inside the udders of a billion unsuspecting creatures, slowly implemented their plan of world domination, some on toast, others as the base of seductive sauces.

    TAGS:  aliens among us, cows, buttery, plans, toast, world domination


Eventually the whiskey cow became extinct, mostly on account of the men pushing past the calves to get to the teats.

    TAGS:  cows, whiskey, teats


Tipping Point :: Keith

Ironically, the cow was dreaming of global warming when she reached her own tipping point.

    TAGS:  cows, dreaming, cow tipping, tipping point


The cows stared at the jar, each pretending more than the next that they knew what thumbs were.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, cows, thumbs


If your cow has somehow tricked you into stepping in a fresh pile of cow manure, you can get even by enrolling her in a creative writing class at your local community college, then sit back and enjoy the humiliation she suffers when everyone laughs at her short stories.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, short story, cows, creative writing, community college, humiliation, manure, Keith's Guides to Everything


cow cruelty :: boot

Never name your cow Pat.

    TAGS:  cows, puns


"The way I see it I am damn near a vegan," Juan mused, "since that fine pasture-fed cow in my cheeseburger was 100-percent vegan."

    TAGS:  cows, vegan, yummy, cheeseburgers, veganism


They seldom admit it, but cows love eating cemetery grass.

    TAGS:  cows, cemeteries, fair play


Dipping the cow's frozen solid udders into his coffee did nothing except maybe give Bessie some weird bovine pleasure that he didn't actually want to think about on such a cold morning.

    TAGS:  coffee, Henry, cows, bovine, udder


 

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