The last safe refuge of the talking dog

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ipso facto :: Keith

They don’t have to be flashy words, if you know what I mean, but if I’m going to trade in my nine year old for nothing more then a bunch of arranged letters, then by god, those words better be good ones, a couple of real doozies, something easy to manage, and not something that’s going to throw a fit and stomp around the house giving me heartburn and gray hair, because if you really need to know, I already have enough of those words to tend to.

    TAGS:  hair, children, heartburn

It’s not easy retrieving a toy from behind my seat while changing lanes in front of a driver who is wandering all over the road, but I’m willing to try anything to get my daughter to stop screaming, and I’m certain the world agrees.

    TAGS:  children, confessions, daughter, driving, toys, indignation, self-righteousness

deaf-mute comedy :: Keith

Five years after Roger’s arranged marriage to the deaf-mute girl from Bakersfield, his own lifelong dream came true when their one and only child, Chester, upon reaching the age of three, told his family to call him The Little Tramp, and announced that he would spend the rest of his years in complete silence, wearing only black oversized suits and imitating the antics of Charlie Chaplain; Roger, as much as he enjoyed the quiet, soon found that not all dreams should come true, and that as much as he loved his son, he would never be comfortable with the young boy’s new mustache.

    TAGS:  dreams, love, children, marriage, arranged marriage, Bakersfield, Charlie Chaplain, deaf-mute, mustaches, uncomfortable

ipod :: 'mouse

I knew we were on the cusp of something new and special when my two kids insisted on learning sign language and going to a school for deaf kids so they’d never have to take off their ipods, ever.

    TAGS:  children, iPods, sign language

play :: Keith

The child’s world is all about play; rules are but an adult’s attempt to introduce gravity.

    TAGS:  children, rules, gravity, play

locks :: Keith

You’d think that little boys would tire of arguing about locks on bedroom doors, but if you did, you’d of course be wrong.

    TAGS:  children, doors, locks

Children’s programming makes me doubt my own commitment to parenting.

    TAGS:  children, parenting, commitment, television

heavy equipment :: 'mouse

No, this is not a sentence about Keith’s struggle to keep his manhood from banging the porcelain, it is about my musing the other day that I’d be proud if my daughter grew up to be a heavy equipment operator instead of a lawyer like her old man.

    TAGS:  children, heavy, equipment, parts

duct tape files :: Keith

A good roll of duct tape can temporarily silence literally hundreds of children, yet oddly enough, totally immobilize only a dozen or so.

    TAGS:  children, curious facts, duct tape

children :: Keith

Raising children is just like robbing banks - both have their rewards, but if you’re caught doing either, expect a commitment of twenty years to life.

    TAGS:  children, bank robbery, commitment

That kid was not that good at playing piano, though he did play with a great deal of confidence; but just because he was a kid, it doesn’t mean I have to like it.

    TAGS:  children, pianos

I must tell the world that although my younger daughter is quite smelly and dirty at this moment, she left the house this morning clean and in fact shiny.

    TAGS:  children, smelly

Poor Kid :: Jo

I seem to have infected my older daughter with the urge to record everything that ever happens to her, and to keep it all secret from her mother.

    TAGS:  children, secrets

Bob Helps :: Keith

“The experience of being born was so terrifying for me,” Bob told the classroom full of kids on career day, “that I’ve been jumpy ever since.”

    TAGS:  children, birth, career day

My Cross :: Jo

Small children who are pretending to be sick, but who spend the morning torturing the cat and giggling insanely, must be firmly denied any kind of happy fun for quite some time.

    TAGS:  cats, children, sick

All children shall come with adult-sized earplugs on long lanyards, built in.

    TAGS:  children

“Mom, I plugged the iron in, and it’s hot now,” she yelled across the house.

    TAGS:  hot, children, scary

Six-year-olds should never, ever be trusted.

    TAGS:  children

When your little darling, seemingly recovered from the stomach flu, asks if you’re sure it’s safe for her to drink a glass of milk ... say no, my friend, say no; it’s a trick question being posed by the dark gods of regurgitation.

    TAGS:  children

Why does it make me so sad to realize that my children share none of my memories of them as babies?

    TAGS:  children, memory, growing up

Q and A :: Snow

When your nine-year-old son turns to you in the personal hygiene section of the grocery store and asks “What are those for, Mom?” you must try very hard to keep a straight face while promising to explain it all after you get home.

    TAGS:  children, explanations, embarrassing

If you were turned inside out, it wouldn’t be gooey and gross; it would put your bones on the outside, which would just be an exoskeleton, right?

    TAGS:  children, bones, exoskeleton

Children :: Keith

Why is there a half-empty bag of potatoes sitting next to my toilet, and where did the trash can go?

    TAGS:  children, toilets, potatoes

“Today’s a school day?” she said sleepily.

    TAGS:  children, disappointment, sleepy

Wonder :: 'mouse

There are few experiences in life that exceed the wonder of being six years old and finding the tooth fairy has come in the night and magically slipped money under your pillow.

    TAGS:  children, tooth fairy, wonder, magical happenings

“No girl here,” giggled the blankets.

    TAGS:  children, blankets, imaginary, giggling

Sometimes, there’s just no other word for it.

    TAGS:  children

dinner’s up! :: grudknows

Riley looked at the plate of food (which, incidentally, was piled quite high) and plopped his head sulkily into his hands before rolling his eyes and whining ‘chanking’ in tones that were both accusing and questioning as though, somehow, the futile protest would magically transform the content of his dinner plate.

    TAGS:  children, parenting, eating, dinner

Kindergarten :: Keith

“I like counting!” Timmy said with a smile; “Tastes just like chicken!”

    TAGS:  children, Timmy

godlets :: grudknows

Look, I know those daisy chains you’ve been making of late are pretty and I know you’ve out grown the villagers we gave you for your graduation but your mother is right - if you won’t lift a finger in smite we have no choice but to send you off to smoting school.

    TAGS:  children, gods, education, learning

“If we traded bodies, like in that movie,” said the 10-year old child to her mother, “you could have my superpower of playing piano tunes in any key, an’ I could have your superpower of being able to sit inside a cubicle.”

    TAGS:  children, cubicles, office work, superpowers, pre-pubescent

AP (Vatican City) In a stunning reversal of centuries of Catholic dogma, the Pope announced today that the Church will no longer teach that decapitated Barbies do not go to Heaven.

    TAGS:  children, Barbie, dolls, decapitated Barbies, torsos

I don’t care if only one of my eyes is bad, but you’re crazy if you think I’ll wear a monocle to school.

    TAGS:  children, monocle

Children - especially your own children - should be raised by other people; always avoid the plague like, well, the plague; the pursuit of money is never in poor taste; and America is a necessary evil.

    TAGS:  children, sayings, money, the plague, necessary evil

Foolish Youth :: Keith

My son thinks he can kill a zombie with adrenaline.

    TAGS:  children, adrenaline, zombies, excessive hubris, son

“I’d like to have some kids someday,” Rufus told my friend Schuster, “but first I’d like to get a pet alligator to practice on;” Schuster thought this was a very good idea.

    TAGS:  children, Rufus & Schuster, alligators, Schuster, Rufus

The world outside :: Br. Ezra

The blanket of virgin snow transforming the world outside my apartment is being violated by the children of infidels trudging noisly over it as they lumber towards school.

    TAGS:  snow, children, infidels

Pass the mayo :: pam

“They call people in their 40’s The Sandwich Generation,” said Gibson, “because between caring for our kids and caring for our aging parents, it’s all we have time to make for dinner.”

    TAGS:  aging, children, aging parents, The Sandwich Generation

“I don’t know how we’re supposed to take this history test on the Han Dynasty, if we’re not allowed to take home our textbooks and our teacher just tells us all the answers to our worksheets, but maybe it won’t be a problem - she’s having us watch ‘Mulan’, ‘cause she says it has so much historical data in it.”

    TAGS:  guest scriner, children, a sorry state, education, history

The response to the seemingly refined woman’s confidence that her child woke up screaming every night was an utterly blase, “Well that might be a little unusual.”

    TAGS:  children, nightmares, blase, screaming, understatement of the year, understating

“Think of it - we live on the bottom of an ocean of air,” said Fender to the third grade class, and they continued down the sidewalk, paddling boisterously against the current.

    TAGS:  children, air, Fender - the character, ocean, play

Children are to patience as nations are to politics.

    TAGS:  children, patience, corrupt, difficult

She Will Pay :: Jo

A mean girl has come after my daughter; now I will smash and crush.

    TAGS:  children, crush, mean, smash

My children have been using my lipstick, and it only makes my cats that much more jealous.

    TAGS:  cats, children, lipstick

finally :: boot

I have at least reached an age that means I am the answer to life, the universe and everything.

    TAGS:  children, Douglas Adams, HHGG, The meaning of life the universe and everything

Loving Neglect :: 'mouse

Like Mrs. Tarleton in Gone With the Wind, my successful child-raising philosophy is "loving neglect."

    TAGS:  children, kids, Gone with the Wind

Mistakes were made

    TAGS:  children, mistakes


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