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Minimalist Jones owned quite a few hats,
which hung from the hooks in his hall,
Each to be worn for special occasions,
his collection not excessive at all -
The bowler, for instance, he wore only for courting,
the Panama went well with white slacks,
The boater for singing, the Shtreimel for fun,
the pork pie for playing his sax,
A busby or garrison for special parades,
a sombrero for eating burritos,
A deerstalker for times of inclement weather
and a burqa for fighting mosquitoes;
And down near the end was a cabbage-tree hat,
that sat all alone on a shelf,
“That one,” he’d say, “is a one of a kind -
a gift I received from an elf.”
The producers of SEAN PENN, INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER tried persuading the actor that he would be taken more seriously if he wore pince nez and a bowler.
Years before any real trouble would begin, two scraggly young boys named Rufus & Schuster found a bowler hat floating along the banks of Lake Erie; the boy named Rufus thought it might be fun to throw rocks at the hat, or maybe fish it out of the water and take turns wearing it around town, but the boy named Schuster thought throwing rocks was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard, and that what he wanted to do was steal his stepfather’s .22 and take shots at it, but because Rufus was his friend and he didn’t want to hurt his feelings, he told him that they should compromise; “You wear the hat,” Schuster told Rufus, “and I’ll steal the gun and do the shooting.”
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