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precious :: Keith

She wanted to name the baby Edgar, after her grandfather on her mother’s side, in spite of my arguments to call the flailing little creature Thinking Man’s Lobotomy, which I thought had a nice sounding ring to it.

    TAGS:  baby, creatures, lobotomy

“Baby, I can multi-task;I hate the player AND the game.”

    TAGS:  baby, mulit-task

Bob reminesces :: 'mouse

Bob smiled wanely at the baby in the woman’s lap on the other side of the waiting room and remembered when he used to play with little Bob, Jr.’s toes: This little Bob went to market, and this little Bob stayed home; this little Bob had roast beef, and this little Bob had none; this little Bob cried “wee-wee-wee” all the way home!

    TAGS:  Bob, baby, toes

Sworn mortal enemies, the Vegetable family had long been feuding with the Fruit family; this ongoing furor was said to have been sparked by a fable that involved a lost baby tomato, later found in the woods, whom both families claimed as their own.

    TAGS:  fruit, baby, tomatoes, vegetables, hullabaloo, feud, fables

Apparently the parents in the feel-good story of the day, snowy mountan rescue story did not get the memo on stupid baby names, thought Makynzi, as she cried hot tears for the two children in the story, Gabrayell and Sabastyan.[public service warning: do not read the baby-names link above while drinking if you are a person who tends to spit your soda all over the keyboard when laughing]

    TAGS:  baby

of flushing :: Coyote

Kathy recalled that all of her life’s problems began around the time she had attempted (and not succeeded) to flush her baby brother down the toilet.

    TAGS:  baby, toilets

Looking back, Kathy remembered clearly holding no rancor for her baby brother; it simply happened that she had been interested in where toilet water goes after it leaves the tank, and she felt sure that little Henry could take a peek down there and report back to her.

    TAGS:  Henry, baby, toilets, brother

I’m seriously tempted to find me a baby names forum and post this list of star’s names under a heading great ideas for baby names!!!!!.

    TAGS:  baby, names, monikers

Line :: Keith

As I stood in line at the IRS office today, patiently waiting to drop off an envelope for my good friend, Mr. Anderson, I was fortunate enough to overhear the story of a man who will very soon have employment tax troubles much worse than I can even imagine, a secretary’s dull “huh?” as she is told by another secretary that she has just hit the wrong key and lost all of her computer’s data, and one entire half of a painfully loud cellphone conversation, in which a bony young Hispanic woman eating Cheetoes tells her (boyfriend? husband? it is never exactly revealed) that she is still waiting, and that she would have gotten here earlier, that the baby was ready and in the car, but that dad yelled, “I’m downloading!”, which the bony girl obviously felt the need to reenact at full volume, which then caused her mother, who was sitting next to her, to hush the girl in an even louder voice, just moments before stealing the bag of Cheetoes.

    TAGS:  baby, IRS

Onesies :: pam

To all you mothers-to-be: when you are sitting in the midst of your baby shower, and you open yet another box of those little one-piece baby outfits (bringing the count up to approximately 162), and the whole room full of women murmur - again - “oooooh, onesies, oooooh ...”, the fact is, they are having an elaborate in-joke at your expense; no individual baby has needed that many onesies since the invention of the washing machine.

    TAGS:  baby, washing machine

On Sundays, I sometimes like to take a couple of minutes and review the steps for delivering a baby on the spot, just in case.

    TAGS:  baby, audio, Sunday

Boneless Baby! :: Keith

Wally’s dream of watching his son grow up and become a professional hitchhiker was shattered when the doctors confirmed his wildest fears.

    TAGS:  dreams, baby, hitchhiking

A Bad Day at Work :: heather

Tearing apart the nurse’s station, searching for the missing Holy Water to baptize a dying baby before the heart stops beating, I think to myself; “I hate this fucking job.”

    TAGS:  work, heart, baby, baptism, holy water

moon child :: boot

As the young woman held her baby in her arms and they gazed at the moonlit sky together, something passed between, something that never dimmed and that forever changed the life of the little girl.

    TAGS:  baby, moonlight

My wife has promised me that right after the baby is born, we can high five in the delivery room—she’s promised!

    TAGS:  baby, wife, promises, high five

I’d like to see Keith recreate the upcoming birth of Steve’s baby in Lego form.

    TAGS:  baby, recreate, Lego

I’m always telling prospective parents to name their baby girls “Pamela”, and extolling the name’s classic roots and versatility; but so far, I’m sad to report, the names Kourtney and Haven have totally whupped Pamela’s butt.

    TAGS:  baby

ultrasound :: steve

Today we will have another ultrasound and I will ask the technician, “Is the baby sound?” and if the answer is anything other than, “Dude, this baby’s ultra sound!” I will be sorely disappointed.

    TAGS:  baby, dude

At this rate, the baby’s going to end up naming herself.

    TAGS:  baby

After he’d finished philosophizing for the day, Soren K. liked to race around town in his convertible, pulling up beside attractive women and telling them, “Hey, baby, it’s subjectively true that you’d like to make a leap of faith on in here to sit beside me.”

    TAGS:  baby, auto, philosophy, Kierkegaard, leap of faith

Somehow the drowned men suddenly became a drowned baby, which surrounded by the inaction of medical personnel, I brought back to life with hastily remembered cpr, for which I was rewarded with a healthy soaking of vomited water and the soul-filling joy of my role as savior.

    TAGS:  baby, drowning, vomit, savior

yesterday, i found myself smiling at a cute pudgy little baby, then opening the door for his stroller, then tripping over the curb that i wasn’t looking at and sprawling across the asphalt; i’ve got a bruised shoulder and two skinned knees, and i should have a bruise on my ego as well, but apparently i’m no longer capable of embarrassment (i laughed, so did the baby).

    TAGS:  baby, accident prone, asphalt, cute, ego, knees, embarrassment, pudgy

Awwwww, Ernie, you were quite a beautiful baby.

    TAGS:  baby, Ernest Hemingway

If while on a nature hike with your newborn you make the mistake of setting your baby down amongst the moose calves, don’t panic, because finding your own baby is easy as long as you stay calm and remember that the musky scent of the moose calf is slightly stronger than that of the newborn human baby.

    TAGS:  advice, baby, PNA Series, nature, scent, panic, moose, hike, musky

Everytime The Steves™ had a baby, Peter bought a new crock pot and set aside a little money, in case it went to college.

    TAGS:  baby, school, Peter, money, college, crock pot, nicknames

Woehome :: 'mouse

Baby’s sleeping with my best friend, dog is chewing up my loafers and the taxman’s come a’knockin’ on my woehome.

    TAGS:  baby, friends, dog, footwear, woehome

Skin Magnet :: Keith

While the skin magnet was originally conceived primarily for military and correctional institution use, new fathers often found it quite useful to place a small one on the underside of their baby’s changing table.

    TAGS:  baby, inventions, wacky ideas, father, magnet

Henry slept like a whiskery, beer-breathed baby.

    TAGS:  Henry, baby, whiskers

Apparently, ‘the power of Christ compels you’ is not a valid reason for my boss to give me a raise.

    TAGS:  work, baby, Jesus, footwear

harlequin paper :: boot

As the crayon was smeared across the paper, the rainbow filing out stripe by stripe, roy-g-biving all the way, there was also a picture of something else, someone that raised above the rainbow, who brought all the colours together and lifted them up and into the sky, and it appeared that she was holding three baby echidnas and a small snowdome or two.

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, sky, rainbows, harlequin, baby, colour, crayons

on the occasion of my return :: littledevilworks

‘Tis a strange thing this life where one can drive over 800 miles in one 3-day span to spend an evening playing Skee Ball and call it a baby shower.

    TAGS:  travel, baby, roadtrip

nickname :: You can call me, 'Sir'

His parents started referring to him as ‘Senor Queso’ when he was a baby, due to his impressive powers of regurgitation, never intending for the name to actually stick and eventually show up on America’s Most Wanted.

    TAGS:  baby, criminals, nicknames, regurgitation, senor queso

wish :: You can call me, 'Sir'

I’d like to learn how to play the bagpipes so that I could utilize its ancient howl to announce my arrival at baby showers, eating contests, award ceremonies, grocery stores, and nursing homes.

    TAGS:  baby, bagpipes

When we are babies we wear diapers, when we are young tighty whities, in our sexy early 20’s bikini briefs, in middle age boxers, and in old age diapers again.

    TAGS:  baby, bikini, underwear, middle-age, diapers

Bearded babies do not pose a medical mystery at all—some babies are simply born with beards—and while we accept this as natural, the history of the bearded baby has not been so forgiving.(paraphrasing from the very informative website, Babies With Beards)

    TAGS:  hair, baby, beards, beardlings

I've seen it several places so I can't attribute it properly, but lately I found the perfect description for my own nights:  I sleep like a baby -- I wake up every two hours, crying.

    TAGS:  tears, baby, sleep, crying, insomnia


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