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Animals
soygrass again? :: Keith

Little is known about the vegan dinosaurs, other then they were fast runners with low self-esteem.

    TAGS:  animals, dinosaurs, vegan, self-esteem


Riding :: Keith

So far in this life, I’ve ridden a horse, a cow, a pig, a donkey, a giant tortoise, an elephant, and of course, several people.

    TAGS:  animals, people, word play


Stupid Animals :: Keith

It’s a good thing animals are so stupid, or they’d be doing things like inventing money, getting jobs, and showing up at church on Sunday.

    TAGS:  animals, humans


Insurrection :: Keith

Some historians claim that the turning point of the insurrection was the discovery that the wallabies had infiltrated the Internet.

    TAGS:  animals, anarchy, history, discovery


Yet another day was ruined because of the duck’s stubborn refusal to stop quacking down the chimney.

    TAGS:  birds, animals, ducks, duck - the bird, ridiculous encounters, quack, chimneys, quacking, stubborness


Nola’s Ark :: Keith

When Nola told the ducks they could move in until after the bird flu epidemic had passed, she had no way of knowing just how much time they would spend in the bathroom.

    TAGS:  animals, ducks, duck - the bird, bathrooms, epidemic, roommates


Timmy’s Turtle :: Keith

“I thought you’d be more loving,” Timmy told the turtle as he dropped it into the lake.

    TAGS:  love, animals, disappointment, Timmy, turtles, lakes, pets


The rule was simple: don’t become attached to food animals—so Sophie the milk goat, Thomas Jefferson, the adopted orphan baby deer, Thumper the stud rabbit and Ocho, the calf born on 8/8 were all safe—the same could not be said of the goat named 4th of July BBQ, the steer named Ribeye, the piglet named Bacon and the innumerable rabbits named Hossenpfeffer.

    TAGS:  animals, bacon, goats, milk, deer, Thomas Jefferson


Abdul’s tendency to whimper in his sleep like a scared puppy was at first endearing, but later it began to grate on his wife until one day she caught herself thinking, I’ll give you something to wimper about you simpering dog.

    TAGS:  animals


Sure you can kill a bear then gut it out and climb inside the body cavity to survive the extreme cold, and maybe then, after all that work and trouble, you’ll remember - never forget the tent!

    TAGS:  animals, advice, bears, PNA Series, nature, survival, tent


Wolves are one of nature’s most superstitious predators, and can be easily driven away with a flurry of energetic movements that wolves interpret as extremely unlucky; unfortunately for humans out enjoying nature who find themselves confronted by wolves, these “unlucky movements” have not yet been perfected, and flight is the best (although still highly unsuccessful) option.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, PNA Series, nature, superstitions, predators, wolves


Sneaking up on an egret is always tough work, and it will take a diligent nature enthusiast many attempts before he has plucked enough feathers for a decent hat.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, hats, ridiculous encounters, PNA Series, feathers, nature, diligence, egret


Skunks are like angry mother-in-laws and should always be given a wide berth.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, PNA Series, nature, skunks, mother-in-laws


It may seem funny at the time, but never let stray raccoons play with the matches.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, PNA Series, nature, raccoons, matches


Under advice of in-house counsel, Scrine has removed the word “stray” and certain other portions of the original “Raccoons & Matches” PNA series sentence, which now offically reads: Never let raccoons play with matches.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, PNA Series, nature, raccoons


Percy Covets :: Keith

Percy didn’t want to fight, but it seemed to be the only way he was going to get his hands on Henry’s buffalo wig.

    TAGS:  Henry, animals, buffalo, fight, covet, wig, Percy


As the multi-hued birds landed on the heads of the various wildebeests and giant mamals, the contents inside of the red, red rose started to shake and to shimmer.

    TAGS:  roses, birds, Becky the Harlequin, red, animals, harlequin, multi-hued, shimmer, giant mammals, wildebeests


Kyle’s Eulogy :: Keith

“And let us remember Kyle as a kind, gentle, and certainly simple soul, keeping in mind that he joined the Rescue Rangers out of compassion and concern for the general welfare of all animals, and that his joining came immediately after viewing the Rangers’ training video, Baby Raccoons, Cute and Cuddly, although in hindsight, perhaps things would have turned out much differently if he’d begun his Rangers’ career with something that might have ended up saving his young life, and I speak here specifically about the Rangers’ video The Bear Cage: Why We Stay Out.”

    TAGS:  animals, bears, compassion, raccoons, Rescue Rangers


Come On, Baby! :: Keith

Because they have paws rather than hands, I’ve found that dogs (at least mine) actually prefer shooting craps to playing cards, which even includes Pinochle, I was surprised to find out.

    TAGS:  animals, dogs, hands, pinochle, gambling, paws


I wonder what it might be like to not be a person.

    TAGS:  animals, people, simplicity


Just Now :: Jo

Birds zotted past like stars, in the wind.

    TAGS:  birds, animals, stars, wind


Kiwi :: the boy

Kiwi birds rule!

    TAGS:  birds, animals, kiwi


“Look, it isn’t brilliant, hell it probably won’t even work, but it’s the best plan we’ve got and we’re going to run with it, so put on that costume, stop your whining and start acting like a damn monkey” said one budgie to the other, all the while tweaking his own disguise to ensure he looked just like the picture of Michael Jackson on the front page of The Weekly World News.

    TAGS:  birds, animals, monkeys, cage, escape, budgie, Michael Jackson, disguise


My friend Schuster told me he agreed with Neil Gaiman’s plan for world peace and harmony nearly 100%, and that although he loved pandas dearly, he was inclined to think a stripper on his lap might please him slightly more.

    TAGS:  animals, Schuster, friends, strippers, peace, harmony, pandas


In the rare case that one is lucky enough to find employment with a company that does keep a goat, the employee will often find that the mandated training regarding proper use of the milking stool, as well as the extensive documentation that must be read, usually during one’s personal time, is overwhelming, causing most employees to either avoid the goat whenever possible, especially during breaks or lunch hours, or in some cases, even attempt to pretend that the goat simply does not exist.

    TAGS:  animals, ridiculous encounters, goats, government intervention


I’d like to start up a list of all the animals featured on Scrine, but I’m worried this would then obligate me to deliver annual presents to all of them.

    TAGS:  scrine, Christmas, animals, obligations


the wild west :: Br. Ezra

Ira Goldman, the wild west’s first gynecologist, rode into town on a horse with funny stirrups.

    TAGS:  animals, horses, gynecology, wild west, stirrups


honkin’ good :: boot

I’ve had the phrase Honky Tonk Chicken bouncing about in my head all day.

    TAGS:  animals, heads, beginnings, honk


You’d think that Honky Tonk Chicken would somehow feature in an episode of Spice Cops: Special Chickens Unit, wouldn’t you?

    TAGS:  animals, Spice Cops, special chicken unit


“Yeah, Kentucky, your secret herbs and spices were your undoing in the end.”

    TAGS:  animals, special chicken unit, spices, herbs, Kentucky


Afraid he would encounter Uri Geller while visiting the beach, Yakov always brought his attack llama’s with him to keep guard in case the aging spoonbender snuck up on him while he was napping under the sun.

    TAGS:  animals, afraid, beach, sun, napping, spoons, llamas, Uri Geller


Grumpy Turtle :: Keith

Timmy never did understand why the turtle was so grumpy in the morning.

    TAGS:  animals, Timmy, turtles, grumpy, boyhood adventure, pets


Wearing a pair of thin, tight-fitting blue jeans, the stork snuck into the school by blending in with a group of 8th grade girls, doing its best to mimic their awkward walk.

    TAGS:  animals, school, awkward, blue jeans, mimic, stork


The most amazing thing :: darksteve

Yesterday at the train station when all the other passengers headed for the exit, rather than blindly follow them happenstance dictated that I turn the other way to see a crow, with its head stuck in a lidded plastic cup, manage to stumble across to the platform’s edge, avoid falling into the gap, shove its head (with attached cup) into the geometric center of the closing doors and allow the doors to close, drawing back its head the exact moment before it would have been crushed, thus freeing itself.

    TAGS:  birds, animals, amazing, crows, trains


“Yes, it’s good you’ve learned your Latin roots,” I told the dog, “but we still need to work on your diction.”

    TAGS:  animals, dogs, college, Latin


It was a grand plan—stay up late into the night making mad passionate love to a pad of paper and his long missing muse—but somehow everything went awry when his house giraffe, working that long, blue tongue of his for what must have been hours, managed to loosen the lid on the jar of tryptophan wine that he’d thought he’d stored safely away, high upon the shelf above his desk.

    TAGS:  animals, ridiculous encounters, giraffes, house giraffes, muses, tryptophan


end of the line? :: 'mouse

Zebra experience a wave of panic as she felt her heart stop in her chest, wondering if this was the end of the line—death—and if it was like falling asleep and there would be nothing but “zzzzzzzz” from here on out... but then she felt herself finally free of those binding stripes, reborn, as she had always dreamt, as a wild appaloosa.

    TAGS:  Alphabetti Spaghetti, animals, appaloosa, zebras


Scold :: Keith

Bad croc!

    TAGS:  Alphabetti Spaghetti, animals, crocodiles


A is for Aardvark, agitated though they are.

    TAGS:  animals, A, aardvarks, alphabet, Alphabet Animalia, antelopes


 

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