Cheaper than good legal advice






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Advice
the fat lady :: Jo

I suggested at lunchtime that we become an opera family, putting lyrics to all the mundane things we might want to express to each other, and I think this might be a good suggestion for other families as well.

    TAGS:  advice, family, opera, singing, lunchtime


advice :: 'mouse

Don't marry a pessimist.​

    TAGS:  advice, marriage, pessimists


coffee cup wisdom :: 'mouse

One of my office manager’s coffee cups delivers the following advice:  “If it rings, put it on hold; if it clanks, call the repairman; if it whistles, ignore it; if it’s a friend, take a break; if it’s a boss, look busy; if it talks, take notes; if it’s handwritten, type it; if it’s typed, copy it; if it’s copied, file it; if it’s Friday, forget it,” her other cup simply inspires with the words, “My lawyer can beat up your lawyer.”

    TAGS:  coffee, work, advice, lawyers


All baritone leads should keep in mind that no lease is too inconvenient to break at a moment’s notice, if there is a posse of vengeful sopranos and tenors on your tail.

    TAGS:  advice, opera, vengeance


Double-vision :: 'mouse

A wise man (or perhaps it was a wise woman, my memory is understandably hazy) once said that the solution to seeing double when you’re drunk is simple—just close one eye.

    TAGS:  advice, drinking


Beauty advice :: 'mouse

It’s 2005, there’s got to be something better than Preparation H for these bags under my eyes.

    TAGS:  aging, advice, beauty


“Well,” she said after hearing the description of my first date with a 28 year old just getting out of a ten year relationship and sleeping on his mother’s couch, “at least you know you could do worse; You already did.”

    TAGS:  advice, friends, pep talk


fortune :: Jo

That guy across from you is not worth the effort.

    TAGS:  advice, fortune, men


Career Tip #358 :: Keith

The moment you find yourself laying sprinkler pipe in the rain in October is the moment you’ll realize you’ve made an unfortunate career blunder.

    TAGS:  advice, careers, blunders


“Wait for it, quietly.”

    TAGS:  advice, baking, patience, tarts


“Never fight with your ingredients, because your ingredients will always win.”

    TAGS:  advice, baking, chefs, ingredients


When you get there start looking for another… don’t wait until the end.

    TAGS:  advice, careers, scary


Medical Advice :: 'mouse

Is it a bad sign when you can’t quite get both eyes to focus on the same place and you can’t see things you try to look at directly?

    TAGS:  advice, eyesight


If you think you might like to go back to school, ever, then don’t put it off; start today - don’t do what I did, which is assume that scientists will have invented the time machine before your forties.

    TAGS:  advice, school, time travel, foresight


bad advice :: microkat

“We all have to learn from our own mistakes,” said thumbless Randy as he tried to fix the jammed table saw.

    TAGS:  advice, thumbs


Abubakar, Age 38 :: Keith

“How many times did I tell you, Abubakar, ‘Marry a strong girl, someone like Heqet - a strong back, baby-bearing hips that’d turn Ra’s head, and a good, steady job down at the canopic jar plant’ - but no, you couldn’t listen to your poor, old mother, not once, could you?”

    TAGS:  advice, marriage, Abubakar, ra


how come everybody is so quick and helpful with the directions?

    TAGS:  advice, truth


Never trust Mother Nature to have your back in a bar fight.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, nature, fighting, mother nature


The shampoo will run out, so short hair is best.

    TAGS:  hair, advice, PNA Series, nature, shampoo


Sure you can kill a bear then gut it out and climb inside the body cavity to survive the extreme cold, and maybe then, after all that work and trouble, you’ll remember - never forget the tent!

    TAGS:  animals, advice, bears, PNA Series, nature, survival, tent


Wolves are one of nature’s most superstitious predators, and can be easily driven away with a flurry of energetic movements that wolves interpret as extremely unlucky; unfortunately for humans out enjoying nature who find themselves confronted by wolves, these “unlucky movements” have not yet been perfected, and flight is the best (although still highly unsuccessful) option.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, PNA Series, nature, superstitions, predators, wolves


Never wear a porkchop dress in the mountains.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, nature


Sneaking up on an egret is always tough work, and it will take a diligent nature enthusiast many attempts before he has plucked enough feathers for a decent hat.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, hats, ridiculous encounters, PNA Series, feathers, nature, diligence, egret


Skunks are like angry mother-in-laws and should always be given a wide berth.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, PNA Series, nature, skunks, mother-in-laws


Contrary to what you may have been told, the smell of money attracts mosquitoes.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, money, nature, insects, mosquitoes


Keep in mind that the morning chill is nature’s way of saying good morning.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, nature


Do everything you can to maintain the woodland silence, because only then will you be able to hear nature’s music.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, nature, quiet


It may seem funny at the time, but never let stray raccoons play with the matches.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, PNA Series, nature, raccoons, matches


Under advice of in-house counsel, Scrine has removed the word “stray” and certain other portions of the original “Raccoons & Matches” PNA series sentence, which now offically reads: Never let raccoons play with matches.

    TAGS:  animals, advice, PNA Series, nature, raccoons


Under further legal consideration, and due largely to the fact that tennis is played in matches and the fact that it is not PNA’s intention with this sentence to suggest that raccoons should in any manner be encouraged to take up tennis, which is not to say that raccoons could not, in fact, play tennis, nor should they in any manner be intimidated, discouraged, or prejudiced against when it comes to tennis, the “Raccoons & Matches” PNA sentence has been amended to read as follows: Always keep flammable materials away from raccoons.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, nature, raccoons, tennis


It surprises many to find out that more campers are killed each year by falling trees than bear attacks, although if you take away the numbers for the trees that have fallen due to some sort of sabotage by an angry spouse, the numbers are about even.

    TAGS:  advice, bears, PNA Series, nature, falling trees, sabotage


“Don’t let the children get to those Altoids - they’ll eat them like candy.”

    TAGS:  advice, parenting, stating the obvious


Forget the compass, the survivalist’s best friend is the sharp stick.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, nature, survival, compass


When going on any extended hike, it is always a good idea to bring along an extra pair of hiking boots, in case you become lost for years and years and your first pair wear out; if carrying along an extra pair of boots is not practical, or you simply want to avoid the excess weight, you can always make sure you hike with a buddy who wears the same size boot as yourself, then simply take the necessary steps to assure that your hiking buddy has an “unfortunate accident” before his boots become too worn.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, nature, boots - the footwear, murderous intentions


If while on a nature hike with your newborn you make the mistake of setting your baby down amongst the moose calves, don’t panic, because finding your own baby is easy as long as you stay calm and remember that the musky scent of the moose calf is slightly stronger than that of the newborn human baby.

    TAGS:  advice, baby, PNA Series, nature, scent, panic, moose, hike, musky


Who Knew :: Keith

It turns out you shouldn’t mess around with India ink while typing.

    TAGS:  advice, accident prone, confessions


Regardless of how sexy they look, never draw attention to the agent’s red devil eyes

    TAGS:  advice, eyes, devil


During a meeting, take extra care to keep your legs tucked back under your own chair, so as to not accidentally kick the agent’s tail, which may or may not be thrashing around under the desk in front of you.

    TAGS:  advice, devil, tails


If over the phone an agent says anything about “ducks in a row,” don’t make the mistake of actually showing up for the meeting with trained ducks.

    TAGS:  advice, duck - the bird, IRS, duck - other, telephone - the device


Both men and women should shave closely, being extra careful not to knick themselves as the scent of blood tends to excite many auditors; menstruating women should always reschedule.

    TAGS:  advice, blood, shaving, menstruation


Never tell the auditor that their breath smells like brimstone.

    TAGS:  advice, bad breath, brimstone


Smiling during an audit is okay, as long the smile is conservative and doesn’t imply happiness.

    TAGS:  advice, smiling


free irs advice #9 :: littledevilworks

If you ever happen to drop your pencil in a meeting with the auditor, be sure not to bend over and pick it up as this indicates surrender and will likely result in a rape of epic proportions, sexual or otherwise.

    TAGS:  advice, pencil


Remember, when hiking, never shush a hormonal female, regardless of species.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, hiking


After her weekly phone call from her mother, Cheryl began referring to advice as fruit cake because just like the candied delight no one really wants it in the first place, and the recipient always stuffs in the deepest recesses of their freezer waiting for an opportunity to “regift” it (or throw it back in the givers face as Cheryl’s mom would later accuse).

    TAGS:  advice, fruitcake, re-gifting


It says in your bio that people want you to get more realistic, to which I reply, don’t be in a hurry; after you’ve spent a long time being realistic, it’s nearly impossible to find your way back to whimsy.

    TAGS:  advice, whimsy, realistic


Choosing a good hiking companion is never easy, as consideration must be made regarding not only social compatibility, but survival skills as well; a hiking companion who happens to be a hired assassin, for instance, might lack certain verbal skills which make them a poor choice if you enjoy light banter on the trail or around the camp at night, yet could have invaluable skills with a garrote, should you become injured and require the application of a tourniquet.

    TAGS:  advice, PNA Series, assassins, garrote, tourniquet, survival skills


When you wake up next to a porcupine, shut up, move away slowy and stay distant and quiet until the porcupine eventually leaves.

    TAGS:  advice, porcupine


“In times of stress, the three best things to have are an old dog, an old wife and ready money.”

    TAGS:  guest scriner, advice


“The only thing that might happen is that you’ll get a knock on the door in the middle of the night, and some strange woman will say ‘my boyfriend locked me out, can you help me?’, at which point you say, ‘uh, no…going back to bed now.’”

    TAGS:  guest scriner, advice


When Vern told his best friend Lori that diet and excerise would reduce her stress, improve her attitude and quite possibly save her marriage, Lori responded, “Why would I want to do that?”

    TAGS:  advice, marriage, diets, stress, excerise


“Tell your wife she’s pretty even if she looks like a dump truck.”

    TAGS:  advice, women, trucks, little kids


Steer into the skid.

    TAGS:  advice


Monologue Man :: Keith

Every Tuesday the man offered free advice about how to avoid him the rest of the week; those who made the terrible mistake of not listening on Tuesday suffered greatly all week long, but found some relief late Friday afternoon, just moments before quitting time, when the man gave a brief “It’s Not Your Fault” monologue.

    TAGS:  advice, monologues


Broken Heart :: Keith

“Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against tattoos,” Wallace told the woman, “but if you’re into pain and permanence, I highly recommend the broken heart.”

    TAGS:  love, advice, tattoos


While you can't actually mend a broken heart by swallowing a band-aid, it is fun advice to give to your forlorn friends.

    TAGS:  advice, broken heart, band-aids, forlorn, sympathy, Keith's Guides to Everything


dealing with men :: goliard

Is as easy as blow drying your hair honey; always keep your thumb on the cold button.

    TAGS:  advice


 

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