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Spice Cops
Salami! :: Br. Ezra

Following a recent police misconduct in Salem local law enforcement found their night sticks replaced with large salami’s.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, police, salami

Spice Cops :: boot

Spices are so damn nice that one day I can imagine they will be outlawed (and I’ll be in gaol).

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“Well, sugar” said D.I Garam, “let me tell you this for nothing, there ain’t no way known that turmeric is a ‘real good face powder’ and both you and me know it”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, turmeric

As Ginger struggled in the detective’s hands, she twisted around and near spat at him as she said “yeah, copper, you got me bang to rights, but you’ll never get my sisters, they got smarts and you, you got nothing!”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, detectives, ginger

Bland boys, bland boys, whatcha goin’ do, whatcha goin’ do when they season you?

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

D.I. Garam ran backwards, pumping his chilli spray into the crowd of angry protesters, yelling “it’s all over fools, the shakedown is on and you got nowhere to run and no place to hide!”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, protests, chilli

Illustrious 200: The Spice Cops :: littledevilworks

Detectives Fennel and Caraway trampled the scene of the crime, tracking in the reddish brown cinnamon-like dirt through out the residence; “Dammit,” thought Paprika, “Another murder, another floor to clean.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, crime, cinnamon, murder, dirt, paprika

The nervous and jittery woman spoke quietly to the trader in the shadows and sobbed, “but, it’s only a little pepper, okay, I don’t need anything stronger.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, crying, shadows, nervous

The woman sniffed and sneezed in the corner of the train, trying not draw the attention of other commuters, but in his head D.I. Garam already had her spotted, bagged and dusted.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, commuting, trains, sneezing

Cinnamon leant seductively against the wall, watching the passers-by sniff the air, bewildered and lost in memories of something loved and long gone.

    TAGS:  love, Spice Cops, memory, cinnamon, seduction

spice cops, part the seventh :: littledevilworks

Rosemary gingerly tested out her bionic leg; after her last boyfriend accidentally fed her peg leg into the woodchopper she had decided it was time to spice things up a bit.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, boyfriends, bionics, rosemary - the herb, peg legs

“Calling all cars, calling all cars, this is an all spice alert, I repeat this is an all spice alert.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, cars, puns

Chief Inspector Jenkins was a real ladies man, and always used plenty of old spice.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, Jenkins, Old Spice

Sgt. Curry reviewed the day’s “most wanted” list with his men and then announced in a gruff voice, “Let’s make these assholes suffer.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, suffering

Officer, officer, somebody call the paramedics, I’m breaking out in CHIVES!

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, chives

“Okay, in retrospect, she was having a bad day, and I guess I wasn’t the first guy to ask Thyme, ‘Have you got the time?’ but I still don’t think she should punch me in the face like that,” said the new guy as he requisitioned an icepack.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, bad day, thyme, retrospection

“Aww honey,” the forensic pathologist clucked to herself as she examined the corpse, “that wasn’t very sage of you ratting out that mafioso.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, corpses, forensics, pathology, sage

Coroner Johnson to the lead officer, “Ok, we’ll parse Lee for any evidence and give you a clear palate for any further investigations.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, evidence, investigation

The young sergeant rubbed his sore head while listening to his D.I. shout, “... and next time you have thoughts about the innocence of those Spice Girls, you can damn well keep those thoughts to yourself!”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, heads, innocence, Spice Girls

Pepe puffed up his chest and tried to look menacing; “now I’m only going to say this once vato, make like a bay and leaf,” he growled.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, chest

There’s a cumin joke in this episode, but I’m not going to make it.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, cumin, sexual innuendo, mouse humour

While I’ve been delighted with each and every episode of Spice Cops to date, I have notice a little bit of herb encroachment (e.g. chives, parsley, bay leaves), and thus do I propose taking a page from the Law & Order oeuvre: “Tonight on Spice Cops: Special Herbs Unit…”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, delight, chives, herbs, parsley

Special Agent G. Oulash, on undercover assignment in the local Hungarian cathouse, “Hey Papi, Rika needs some big love from a big man like you.”

    TAGS:  love, Spice Cops, cathouse, Hungarian

Random comment heard in the precinct’s lunchroom, “I hope you have your bread and butter ‘cause this one is quite a dilly, pickle.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, pickles

While playing a charity gig at the Bay Leaf Hotel the manager for the Red Hot Chilli Peppers is found in bed with a deceased Squash, a faint trace of brown sugar leads the Special Herbs Unit to believe they may be dealing with a serial vegan.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, vegan, charity

“Coryanne, dear, I really don’t want to hear about your anise when I’m eating breakfast and trying to read the newspaper.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, anise, breakfast, newspapers

Officer Wormwood announced to the vice unit, “Remember that nut, Meg—well, she’s hooked up with Cinnamon and Ginger and they’re hooking on 54th Street for the flashy pimp they call Punkin Pie.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, cinnamon, ginger, prostitution

“That scumbag was handing out ketchup packets on school property, Lieutenant, promising those kids he’d score ‘em some spicy mustard on Friday; so yeah, you can bet we drug his punk ass down here.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

She watched the forensic pathologist at work; A.L. Mond extracting the bits of evidence from the corpse, surely this victim had run out of thyme.

    TAGS:  death, Spice Cops, corpses, evidence, forensics, thyme, pathology

As she watched Mayo holdup the convenience store through her binoculars, hidden in her A-1 Steakout location, she chuckled; she relished catching these idiots in the act.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, binoculars, idiots

You’d think that Honky Tonk Chicken would somehow feature in an episode of Spice Cops: Special Chickens Unit, wouldn’t you?

    TAGS:  animals, Spice Cops, special chicken unit

“Follow the trail of զահթար and you’ll catch your killer,” announced the detective.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, Armenia

The chicken pecked at the ground angrily; “what a jerk” he thought as he glared at the Jamaican.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, special chicken unit

She glanced sadly at the bleu chicken, lying half covered in the cordoned area, “la vie est triste, n’est pas?”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, special chicken unit

The chicken packed its bags to head overseas on the case of international mystery; his destination was Kiev and he was looking for one messed up chicken.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, special chicken unit, mystery

The chicken stood at attention in front of the commanding general; General Tso was in a fowl mood and there was a top secret mission to complete.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, special chicken unit, top secret

Pepe sped to the scene where he encountered a burglarized chicken coop and broken eggs everywhere; as he interviewed the witnesses he heard the same thing over and over, “that was one pollo loco, hombre.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, friends, eggs, special chicken unit, coops, hombre

Det. Cacciatore was investigating a serious cold cut violation; however, he cut off his beak to spite his face when he arrived in Bologna, Italy to find Senora Chimichanga and realized he should have been in Bologna, Spain.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, bologna, cold cuts, special chicken unit

overheard on scrine chat :: littledevilworks

...I used your cold cut vacation in my spice cops…

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, cold cuts, overheard, scrinechat

A sinister odor of dill pervaded the apartment.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, spices, dill

saffron :: 'mouse

Jimmy, high on saffron, thought that if the Spice Cops knocked on his door and and accused him of violating probation, he could get off by saying, “Jimmy’s not here, I’m Jimmy’s duck.”

    TAGS:  Alphabetti Spaghetti, ducks, Spice Cops, duck - the bird, saffron

Clove’s hideout was beginning to reek and she worried, with good reason, that the scent of apples would never be enough to hide her from the Spice Hounds.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, flashbacks

Officer Sandalwood :: littledevilworks

Officer Sandalwood couldn’t believe how terrible her luck was… some stupid girl band had stolen her nickname and she could no longer respectably be called Sporty Spice.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Good night sweetheart :: littledevilworks

As the last embers in the fire died, Officer Paprika looked at his wife lovingly and said, “Come to bed CorriAnn dear.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

By evening’s end, John the Conqueror, who’d ran a shady little gambling den on just about every block of the neighborhood for as long as anyone could remember, had been hung out to dry.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, John the Conqueror

Squealer :: 'mouse

“I don’t know if Rosemary’s an informant, but she’s getting way too friendly with the pigs for my comfort,” commented Lester.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

delicious :: Jo

The Queen of Tartar surveyed her troops, with a happy sigh.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

catsup tree :: 'mouse

“Ma’am, I don’t care how sharp his claws are, this is a job for firefighters, not the SWAT team,” snarled Captain Jones.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Undoubtedly :: littledevilworks

Undoubtedly the worst part about becoming a Spice Cop was the mandatory physical, where members of the male persuasion were told to turn their head and “kaffir.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Smells like ‘Sir :: 'mouse

“This is clearly the work of the serial turkey violator known to his victims as You Can Call me Sir,” said Captain Jack, noting the unmistakable scent of onions, apples and cinnamon around the crime scene.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Kosher? :: 'mouse

Captain Goldstein called off the raid on the Jewish deli after learning that 79% of all Jewish people have agreed to pretend that Bac-O-Bits are kosher.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

There were many who worried the historic spice cabinet would contain an unbalanced mix of black and white peppers, which was an ironic concern when one considered the fact that it had never been any other way.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“I didn’t say she was my niece detective,” an exasperated Sally explained for the third time today, “I said she was Anise.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“Look ma’am, I’m a Spice Cop and you’re trying to report a coffee crime—you’re just going to have to wait until one of the Coffee Cops gets back from their Starbucks run.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“tea” :: 'mouse

“Look for yourself, officer, when I whispered to you, ‘Pssst, I can score you a pound of really good tea for a c-note,’ I really did mean oolong tea.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Beaned :: 'mouse

“I’m not sure I’m going to play in the inter-department softball tournament this year,” said Coffee Cops’ best player, Sgt. Dark Roast, “Last year Spice Cops’ new pitcher, Officer Vanilla, was intentionally throwing nasty bean-balls.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

The Band :: 'mouse

“Look, just because there are five of us, and just because we’re female and have a band, does not give you the right to call us ‘The Five-Spice Girls,’ asshole—we’re ‘The Red Hot Chilli Peppers,’ and we’re gonna set the department picnic *on fire* this year.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“I’ve been trying that new-fangled gluten-free diet,” said Shauna, “but it’s not helping at all with my Celeriac Disease.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

flash :: 'mouse

“Look ma’am, I know you’re upset that he whipped open his raincoat and showed you his large root vegetable, but that’s simply not a crime in this jurisdiction,” explained Officer Pepper.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“Psst! Hey, Buddy, wanna buy a dime bag of some damn fine, guaranteed organic lemon grass?” the shady-looking man hissed as I passed his doorway.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Wise :: 'mouse

At first Joe was skeptical when Internal Affairs refered him to a psychologist, but after his his first 50-minute session he realized Doctor Sage, who had spent no less than 46 minutes doing nothing but nodding sagely, was someone he could really open up to about his problems.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Mrs. Nasi forgets :: 'mouse

“Sometimes I don’t know if I’m cumin or goreng,” explained Mrs. Nasi, to officer Jones who picked her up wandering down the middle of Broadway, “My kids say I may be suffering from Alzheimer’s, but all I know is I get all mixed up.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

It was my first time, but I tried my best not to show my nervousness when the woman in sky high heels and a tight pleather skirt said, “Honey, if you’ve got the money, I’ve got the thyme.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, don’t laugh—this time the prosecution really is going to prove that the murder was committed by the defendant, Colonel Mustard, in the library, with the candlestick.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

It wasn’t hard for the detectives to figure out that Bronwyn was responsible for the disappearance of the offerings from the public Baby Jesus creche each night since, after all, she was the one who told everyone that frankinsense and myrrh needed to be updated and replaced by saffron and Tahitian vanilla beans.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Spaghetti Spice Cops :: littledevilworks

Dude… Mr. Curry is sauced!

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Officer Jones began setting up the sting when he heard rumors that Juan’s bakery was not only putting cinnamon in its coffee cake, but that it was doubling the amount called for in the banned recipes that were printed long before the dangerous psychoactive substance had been identified as a class 1 narcotic.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, cinnamon, coffee cake

“I doubt even the experts from A1 Crime Scene Cleanup are ever going to get the stains out this time,” observed Captain Heinz, looking at the aftermath of the latest Catsup Clan versus Ketchup Clan machine-gun battle, where there had been 57 fatalities in the crowded restaurant.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“Don’t worry, that’s not the smell of death emanating from your neighbor’s house,” explained Lt. Sorrel to the people gathered in the street, “We checked and they’re Australian—you’re smelling their Vegemite.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, Vegemite

Yellow Gold :: 'mouse

Juan laughed as he secretly watched the cops chop down and cart off his late-summer decoy crop of marijuana, knowing while the cops would soon be selling the dope out of the evidence room that the real value was the saffron crocus bulbs just below the surface which would soon be sprouting unmolested and unshaded in the autumn sun.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

hot :: 'mouse

Officer Pepper busted the Porsche theft ring and impounded half a dozen hot Cayannes.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

tough dudes :: 'mouse

The Spice Cops SWAT team cemented their tough reputation when, to a man, they began using pepper spray as aftershave, cologne and jock-itch treatment.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Many famous Ronco devices can be seen in the culinary sci-fi thriller, 2010 ~ A Spice Odyssey.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

dna surprise :: 'mouse

It wasn’t until the dna tests came back that Mr. Coriander was able to convince the authorities that the abandoned child (dubbed “Baby Cilantro” by the media) was his, since the child looked nothing like him.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Several thousand recipe books had to be recalled recently when they called for a “pinch of salt and ground black people, to taste.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Peppa knew she was going down, but she was putting every nose out of joint when she went.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

I’m Bitter :: 'mouse

By 3:30pm the remaining coffee was only fit for cops.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Aged Vanilla? :: 'mouse

“Hey, Chief,” shouted officer Gonzales across the crowded stationhouse, “Do you think we should open an investigation to see if this A&W Rootbeer campaign touting ‘made with aged vanilla’ means they’re passing off last-year’s moldy crop as some kind of marketing spin?”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops, non-fiction

Frederico was extremely disappointed when, arriving at the appointed hour in new spandex wearing his best mask, his new girlfriend explained that when she said they’d be “pulling off capers” she meant picking them.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Ironic, eh? :: 'mouse

When perps took off running, Joe Molasses, the fastest sprinter on the force, would always take them down.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

hot or not hot :: 'mouse

“I swear, the next person makes that tired old joke that I’m ‘not really that hot’ is gonna get peppersprayed in the face,” growled Officer Capsicum.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Ewwww :: 'mouse

“All I can think is this is the work of a bunch of very confused ex-meth-heads who were trying to get out of that business and go legit,” observed Detective Saunders, shaking his head at the huge vat of equine mush and vegetables and the thousands of empty bottles waiting to be filled labelled “horseradish.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

“It’s not racial profiling, it’s just common sense,” explained Sgt. Pine Nutt as justification why they were going to take down the Basil Street Gang as the first target of the Mayor’s new pesto eradication program.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

first draft :: carrot

Vincent pondered the canvas, now smeared with globs of oil paint and dried crumbles of thyme, sumac, and sesame seeds; licking the salt off his fingers, he decided that “Zaatar-y Night” was probably not going to be a commercial success.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

first draft, redux :: carrot

Quietly renamed by the record label prior to release, “Olive, My Love” was penned during one of Robert Plant’s lengthy vacations in the Peloponnese peninsula.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

Mystery smell :: 'mouse

“Now that’s strange,” the CSI muttered, tentatively sniffing at the butt-plug found at the scene of the crime, “It smells like anise.”

    TAGS:  Spice Cops

hyphenating :: 'mouse

When Kara Wei fell in love with Detective Seid she could hardly wait to get married and begin hyphenating.

    TAGS:  Spice Cops


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