Where memory comes to rant and rave, and heroes still use Burma-Shave

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Miss Jane

Miss Jane looked at the cloud-broken, streaming, orange-hazed sunrise and thought to herself “if it weren’t for all these damn clouds, it’d be an alright view”.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, cloudy, primordial

As yet another shop assistant got what she wanted wrong, behaved as if she was an inconvenience to their loafing, charged her the wrong amount and gave her the wrong change, Miss Jane grumped to herself “yep, sunny-jim, if I ever go postal, you’ll be the first to go”.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, grumpy

Thank you for holding, one of our operators will be with you shortly.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, on-hold, oh-oh, telemarketers

As she returned the icepick to her handbag, Miss Jane thought to herself “yeah, so what does that mean, that I look like the bottom of someone’s shoe on other days?”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, icepicks, ill-advised

“Sorry about the blood on your jacket, but again, no, this hat is not for Melbourne Cup Day, it’s for keeping the burning sun off of my head.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, hats, polite violence, blood, burning sun, impertinent

Miss Jane wiped her hands down her skirt as she stepped away from the body, thinking to herself “Well, if you hadn’t got into the damn lift, chatting to your damn friend, holding open the doors and holding us all up, all the while carrying an infernal American-chain-we-don’t-have-spoons-or-cups takeaway paper recepticle of so-called-coffee, I wouldn’t have had to do that.”

    TAGS:  coffee, Miss Jane, polite violence

cross-baked :: boot

Miss Jane perused her basement full of stitchwork, in an I’m-not-embarrassed sort of way, and thought “not since College, eh” well it’s a good thing I spent half the night sharpening these nice needles to such shiny, sharp points; I knew they’d come in handy.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, embarrassment, sharp

The perky young woman paused mid-sentence in her rather loud mobile phone conversation about insurance quotes, feeling that something very unpleasant and, indeed, sharp was about to happen to her.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, sharp, unpleasant, just not cricket, mobile phones

make them stop :: boot

As Miss Jane leant back in the creaky dental chair, the surgeon in the off-white mask asked her again “... are you sure about this?” and Miss Jane replied “I don’t care if it takes out half my brain with it, just get rid of the damn memory!”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, memories, dentistry

smeg :: boot

There are certain days of the year that make Miss Jane want to either go hunting or find a deep, dark hole to hide in.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, schmaltzy

“Well, she’s not much use like this” said Miss Jane angrily, to which Becky replied “Fly, caterpillar, fly!”

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, Miss Jane, harlequin, flying, caterpillar

Miss Jane whirled about suddenly, spraying blood as she went, and shouted “alright you bastards, you will leave me, my family, my friends and their family alone, or it’s a pickaxe to the head for you!”

    TAGS:  death, Miss Jane, polite violence, bastards, pickaxe, spraying, unfairness

The flamethrower glowed red and white as it sprayed mayhem and pain across the row of cubicles and Miss Jane screamed defiantly into the rampaging fire “NO, I don’t mind being your admin girl, I hope you appreciate my technique!”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, cubicles, mayhem, screaming, indignant, old ways, technique, rampaging

The graceful creature sauntered away from the incandescent pyre, seemingly oblivious to the sounds of screams and sirens.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, incandescent, saunter, pyre

“Ah, I see”, said Miss Jane as she stepped gingerly over the fifth such body, “what you’re saying is, when you undertake a consultation process, you’re actually just trying to ignore me as hard as possible until I go away” .... “it appears I have dealt with this problem for you.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, problems, consultation, ignore this, solutions, process

Miss Jane stalked the low-lit streets, draped in stained and bloody clothes, ranting “retribution for the innocent and fallen” to herself, knowing that this time she would find Lady Luck and she would make her pay.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, bastards, retribution, stalking, lady luck, pay

“While I would agree with you that berating other passengers and behaving in a generally abusive and irritating manner certainly does not warrant such a violent response on my part”, said Miss Jane as she paused to wipe the lumps from her bat, “I would have to say that it is unfortunate for you that I am not generally considered to be a reasonable person in these matters.”

    TAGS:  unreasonable, Miss Jane, polite violence, commuting, manners, lumps

“Well, if we all get trapped in this lift I hope you have enough coffee to share around” said the jovial gentleman, and Miss Jane slid the long, sharp knife out of her handbag and grinned at the gentlemen as the visions of blood filled her eyes.

    TAGS:  coffee, Miss Jane, polite violence, jocularity, knives, think twice

A young Miss Jane watched from under a desk as the angry, blood-splattered man sprayed bullets into the air and yelled “I told you when I finally lost it, that you would be the first to go!”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, growing up, bullets, interesting, splatter

fortune 14 :: boot

You will meet Miss Jane and it will not be nice.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, unpleasant

The elegant but enraged woman lined up the grey, bitter and utterly soulless entities against the wall and smiled unnervingly as she slowly unveiled her first implement of mayhem and blood.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, banality, mayhem, economists, soulless

Spring Comes to Oz :: 'mouse

Becky frolicked with her favorite wallaby among the rainbows and lollypops while in the distance the sound of automatic gunfire pronounced Ms. Jane’s opinion of the season.

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, rainbows, Miss Jane, lollypops, gunfire

As the Prime Minister was introduced to Boot he proffered his hand in greeting, and Boot glared angrily at those horrible fingers and began her vociferous tirade.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, fingers, tirade, prime minister, vociferous

As Miss Jane rested her bat gently against the organic vegetable stand, she rather quietly said “I thought it might be nice to give you something to fear other than germs.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, threats, germs, organic

Miss Jane wiped the splatters of blood and carvings of pumpkin from her broadsword, and, lifting the madwoman’s head from the ground, she looked into her dull eyes and said “I promised another that I would end your pain, so I hope you can consider this a civic duty.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, heads, justice, civic duty, Halloween, pumpkins

As she passed each chain-everything’s-the-damn-same-store, her anger increased as rapidly as the once loved quirky corner mutated into yet another any-street-any-town, until suddenly Miss Jane and her flamethrower stepped forward, took control and began the burning.

    TAGS:  coffee, Miss Jane, polite violence, banality, flamethrower, burning, chain stores

Miss Jane was thoughtful enough to turn off the flamethrower in between each machine-stamped store, this was a delicate situation and, unusually, innocent bystanders would not be appropriate.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, flamethrower, chain stores, delicate

So, what would you recommend as a penalty for someone who plays Christmas jingles on their work computer (sans headphones)?

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, Christmas jingles, tinsel, temporary insanity

Miss Jane found she needed, rather impolitely, to raise her voice to be heard by the woman dangling outside the open doors, “I think it is just possible you may not be aware that at 6.30 in the morning many of your fellow commuters prefer to sleep a little, rather than listen to your raucous, vulgar and, above all, loud commentary,” and as she rattled the woman slightly, she added “so, may I drop you off somewhere?”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, commuting, manners, dangling

“Now serving 002” ...but I’m the only person here… “BING” ...are there dwarfs hiding somewhere… “Now serving 002” ...there’s no one else in the queue… “BING” ...there isn’t anyone standing at the service windows… “Now serving 002” ...there are 10 empty service windows… “BING” ...there isn’t anyone else here… “Now serving 002” ...I’m the only one… “BING” ...I’‘M THE ONLY ONE HERE!

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, bing, ire, queues, queue rage, idiocy

Miss Jane stepped delicately away from the building’s ashes and as she did so an irritated man in a mouse costume nearly bumped into her, however - astoundingly - she did not immediately over-react with senseless violence, but instead said “Good sir, I do believe you need this more than me,” and handed him her very best flamethrower.

    TAGS:  mouse, senseless, Miss Jane, polite violence, flamethrower, need

Juan became famous for creating a new term “going bank” to replace the outdated “going postal.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, Juan, banking, going banking, polite requests

Miss Jane placed her AK-47 neatly at the half-exploded teller’s window, explaining “my dear, I’m sure your intentions were good, but occasionally the road to hell appears on the horizon a little sooner than you might expect.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, banking, road to hell

weirdest :: boot

There are people weirder than Becky or Miss Jane still floating about in my head.

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, Miss Jane, musings

feeling red? :: boot

Add a pinch of Miss Jane, stand well back, watch the flames.

    TAGS:  red, Miss Jane, colour, feeling - the emotion, flames

When I find those people who sneakily place ‘baked beans in ham sauce’ amongst the regular tomato sauce version, I’ll be getting advice from Miss Jane.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, baked beans, thwack, impolite

As she fought her way into the inner sanctum, smoke and flames followed her into the room and, bathed in a glowing red haze, she readied her spiked baseball bat for the thwacking of its short, short life.

    TAGS:  death, Miss Jane, polite violence, baseball bats, thwacking

The secret police :: grudknows

Miss Jane and Becky, having heard about the boot-secret-bribery scandal waited at the scrine club house door - Becky with a hazy smile, a frog, a teacup and a yellow flower and Miss Jane with a scowl and a cricket bat.

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, Miss Jane, secrets, frogs, bribery, teacups

“... and if that happens you can be assured that I will shoot each and every one of you.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, shooting, materialisation

As Miss Jane neatly pressed closed each little labeled plastic bag, she continued her polite explanation to the lady still lying partly on the floor, “...and, as I’m sure I’ve mentioned already, not only was that conversation highly inappropriate for a workplace, it is certainly not even an appropriate conversation for anywhere other than one’s own home… oh, dear, I appear to have dropped blood on your shoe.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, blood, manners, inutile, extraneous

Mary had consciously chosen her neighbour Miss Jane to emulate as a very young child and, as a consequence, Mary was rarely allowed to play with the neighbouring children—she frightened the brainless twits much in the same manner Miss Jane frightened the bleating parents.

    TAGS:  guest scriner, Miss Jane, polite violence, bleating, consequences, mary

Seeing the suffering and the misery in the workplace, Miss Jane decides that the mayhem and violence she had in mind would go too far and she tries her hand at asking politely.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, misery, mistaken

After a brief hiatus from her one true path, Miss Jane, in response to the statement “why don’t ya just get fucked, sweethea..” delivers her rage with a disturbing assortment of knives, mallets and, as always, polite, if bloody, mannerisms.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, calling, knives, mallets

In the midst of admonishing the so-called journalist and administering her own specialised form of punishment and learning, Miss Jane stopped, delicately wiped a spot of blood away from her face and listened carefully, for something was afoot.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, afoot, journalists

I used to think Miss Jane was a figment of my imagination, but sometimes I worry that she’s actually the woman sitting across from me.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, mirrors, troubling, figment

At the sight of the two working women being crushed under the weight of the giant boulder, Miss Jane set to the task of dealing her usual mixture of polite learning and violent demonstration, but as she did so, she noticed a young woman nearby timorously holding a rather large plank of plywood in a refreshingly threatening manner.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, retribution, run and hide, wreaking havoc

As Miss Jane crossed the very busy highway via the pedestrian crossing, she found she had to pause three times, once to attend to an 80 year old who was screaming into his mobile phone as he ignored the people, oncoming trams and cars around him, a second time to deal with a man in his forties who was standing in the middle of the road wondering how to turn on his phone, and a third time to deftly put aside a teenager who was dragging a hand-truck full of water bottles and simultaneously text-messaging on his mobile phone. [Breaking News: Police are yet to uncover the identity of the woman involved in the incident that the media have dubbed Manners, Mobiles and Mayhem.]

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners

Not posted without the kind permission of Miss Jane.The Devil once thought to recruit Miss Jane but stalking her for a decade quickly taught him the erroneous logic in that— an agent of mayhem and on his team causing murder and mayhem all in the name of good manners – he wouldn’t hear the end of it until the next time Sariel got blind drunk and flew into the moon claiming it wasn’t there when he took off!

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, devil

“He loves me, He loves me not,” hummed Miss Jane as she plucked at his fingers one by one, and as she looked into his pleading eyes she paused and said “don’t worry, my little Valentine, it will hurt, but I won’t feel a thing.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, valentines

As she gracefully walked down the steps of the plane, stepping around the heads of the airline, Miss Jane noticed how perfectly the blood trickling down the steps contrasted with her delicate beige shoes.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, airlines, polite violence, heads, revenge

Becky and Miss Jane glared confusedly at each other from inside the barred room, each one wondering what the hell had gone wrong this time.

    TAGS:  Becky the Harlequin, Miss Jane

As the driver threw his garbage out the window, he caught sight out of a sweet-looking librarian type lady in a pretty little Morris Minor and, unfortunately, he didn’t realise until he was again looking out the mirror, as his car careered of the cliff, the neat, effective blades in the bumper bar - at wheel level - along with the insane, murderous, but above all, remonstrative look of the avenging librarian.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, avenging

If the universe is readying itself to hurl things at you, I say get out the baseball bat and start swinging.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, baseball bats

Looking at the hooded entity before her, Miss Jane smiled delicately as she sliced yet another strip of gaffa tape ready for a pointed, unpleasant and necessary application.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, unpleasant

“Ah, yes, I think I have the knack of it, now,” said the disapproving librarian as she kicked the round, moist object around like the useless ball of nuisance it truly was.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, disapproving, yobs, nuisance

As the man in front of her tried to sit at her table, clearly full of uneaten food, fresh coffee and a book waiting to be read, the look she turned on him fairly turned his blood to ice and made him flee the premises at speed.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manifestation, malevolence

Miss Jane walked balefully away from the ‘murder’ of economists, each step leaving a crisp, pointy healed blood stain on the polished wooden floor.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, murderous intentions, blood stains

Aloicious wondered when the curious people would start appearing in Club Alphabet, as he ordered another round of ‘in their honour’ cocktails -- Juan, Miss Jane, Bronwyn, Becky, Henry, Bob!

    TAGS:  Alphabetti Spaghetti, Henry, Becky the Harlequin, Bob, Miss Jane, Juan, Bronwyn, Club Alphabet

“Why, yes, certainly, at times like this I could just stay calm and put it all in perspective,” said Miss Jane as she looked beatifically upon the bloodied and mangled array, “however, I believe we all must follow our own particular path.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, beatific, perspective

Santa had wondered who the slightly unnerving librarian was that haunted his dreams, and when he finally found her home, he knew he would need the other list.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, lists, striking fear

Showing great reserve, Miss Jane very gently pushed the woman who was standing on the esclator, talking on her mobile phone, complaining loudly about her love life, eating a pie, carrying a shopping basket and blocking the path of other shoppers - so gently, in fact, that the woman merely slid to the ground and was run over by a shopping cart, leaving barely any blood at all.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, rudeness, reserve

“You see, when a train is overly full and an older woman appears to be falling over and reaches out to steady herself, the correct approach is not to sneer, but to lend a helping hand,” continued Miss Jane as she deftly returned a bloodied object to the young woman, “ah, I believe this one is yours.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, hands, bloodied, manners, elderly

The bloody trail from the Executive offices could be a clue, but it was certainly not one that Inspector Blucher was inclined to follow.

    TAGS:  fiction, fear, Miss Jane, polite violence, retribution

“I’m sure what you have to say is reasonable amongst your circle of friends,” Miss Jane whispered as she mopped up the parallel lines of blood, “however I have little time and feel that cutting to the chase is usually best”.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, intolerance

Cutting to the chase is usually best but Miss Jane found cutting to the bone works on the human pest

    TAGS:  Miss Jane

I learned much from the doctors when I overheard them talking about Miss Jane.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, alligator people

“Yes, I must admit that I would usually make careful use of a variety of weapons, but in your case,” said Miss Jane as she paused in her repeated dunking motions, “sir, I am assured that this is a most appropriate implementation.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, manners, swimming

“I will hunt her down and kill her in her sleep.”

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, retribution

As the woman’s head bounced surprisingly gently on each stair, Miss Jane continued her lecture on the inappropriateness of leaving distressed and injured people unaided, feeling sure that her subject would never again transgress this particular social mores.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, injury, steps

Miss Jane methodically carved the last curling “k” of ‘thank’ with her blood ink pen across the ungrateful woman’s forehead, and while the message she left was clear, but polite, it would no doubt make for interesting small-talk in what would needs-be a closed-casket ceremony.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, caskets, thank you

Never trust a woman in a cardigan - she might be a homicidal librarian.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, Scrabble, cardigans, librarians

As Miss Jane stepped away from the last body, she noticed that, without even realising it, she had accidentally arranged the tidy pile of bodies into the shape of an unforgettable smiley face.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, polite violence, perky, positive attitude, smiley face

Feeling remarkably threatening, Miss Jane dug a hole to trap the duck.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, bogus scrines, regarding the duck

Miss Jane was ready and waiting.

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, seemingly innocent statements, underlying malevolence

"She wore no perfume, but when my lips touched her hand she smelt of brittle paper and worn leather book binding, and for one brief moment, before she slapped the back of my head, I would have sworn I had died and gone to heaven."

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, Herman, ScrineTV, old books

Slender Limbs :: Keith

"I've never seen such slender limbs," Herman told Scrine, "other than yours, of course, but bird legs hardly matter when discussing beauty."

    TAGS:  Miss Jane, Herman, ScrineTV, slender

How it works :: boot

Miss Jane and I do not respond well to polite invitations, but we both enjoy a nice cup of tea and a well-aimed threat.

    TAGS:  home, Miss Jane, threats, teapots


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