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Use this space for notes and reminders to yourself.
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Expiration date is not required, only if you want the note to magically disappear.
A great place to keep your fantastic ideas, like, "Hey! I need to write more sentences about crickets and English gentlemen with unruly beards."
If she’s mad as hell and coming at you with the 12” chef’s knife, don’t stare at her chest, no matter how much it’s heaving, but if all she’s grabbed is the paring knife, you should have time for a quick look.
Remember that the art of sensual massage demands patience, and that while you may be tempted to rush your way up that smooth, oiled leg of hers, hold back those anxieties and take at least one full minute, or slightly longer for a really tall woman.
A sensible man will enjoy eating pork chops, but not to the extent that a second pig need be slaughtered before meal’s end.
If you tell everyone what you’re doing minute by minute it’s called Twitter, but if someone knows what you’re doing minute by minute, it’s called stalking.
98% of American doctors disapproved of early rock & roll music, but that approval rating changed dramatically after The Drifters used the word sacroiliac in a song.
Various sources on the Internet state that in 1856, Englishmen, Healey and Allen, received a patent for the first corrugated or pleated paper, which was used to line tall men’s hats; I have not, however, found any information on what was used to support the hats of the short men.
As a young boy, Herbert Hoover placed first in his elementary school’s state motto bee.
In some versions of the Snow White fairy tale, the seven dwarves are able to comfortably retire from mining after Doc presents Snow White’s medical bill to the prince.
Jesus’ feet were size 10 1/2, but he’d only wear size 11 sandals because he had an irrational fear of fractions.
Abraham Lincoln is the easiest president to imagine doing the robot dance.
No one knows for sure who invented the ice cube.
A sexual obsession with hand puppets is called Self-Fulfilling Puppetry.
Your kitchen might stink, like mine does right now, but I’m not in the kitchen and most likely, neither are you, so it doesn’t matter.
The stilted yet somehow flowery prose of American inventor Samuel Morse is not easy to read and is often referred to by historians as The Remorse Code.
Any dream involving running shows the individual’s need for a slice of banana cream pie.
Teaching rats to talk would be a good first step in bringing back call center jobs to America.
A gyroscope ladder would never tip over, reducing the number of idiots hurt each year.
To make life more unpredictable and fun, a televised random day lottery could draw a ball each morning to decide which day of the week it was.
Toenail clippings can be ground into a fine powder that can be used to prevent weasel attacks.
If you document your procrastination and laziness, then post or publish your notes in a public forum, your employer will be forced to take you serious when you threaten a discrimination suit against them for firing you for not doing your job.
In America you can make a lot of money with a traveling kangaroo show, and the business plan is fairly easy to write yourself if you’re planning on applying for a bank loan to get started.
Money used to grow on trees and the sloth was once an aggressive creature whose favorite food was money, but when the tree money ran out, the sloths lost hope and became the slow, sluggish creatures we know today.
Forget the chicken and the egg, the real Biblical enigma is how God could create pigs from bacon.
Oddly enough, humans will seldom consider any creature cute unless it has a scruff.
A snake dream might mean your favorite television program may soon be cancelled; pay close attention to the level of your fear in the dream, as fear is the key to knowing how much battery power remains in your TV’s remote control.
The flying dream may be a sign that the stoplights will be in your favor on the way to Target.
To avoid suspicion in almost any situation, make sure you have not insisted that people call you Nacho.
Back in 1928, no one questioned the cuteness of the Gerber baby, there was, however, a great national debate concerning the handsomeness of the thickly bearded Gillette baby.
The crow is the only native North American bird not allowed by law to perch on the roof of the White House.
A pet crow can be taught to both talk and play checkers, but studies have found that repeated use of the words “king me” has an 87% chance of leading to undesirable and frustratingly impossible ambition, both in the crow and the pet owner.
Playing checkers with your pet crow, while mostly fun, can lead to both undesirable ambition and unwanted pecking wounds.
While teaching your pet crow to play checkers is relatively easy, asking them to understand why a chess piece is named after an inferior bird will cause you nothing but grief.
If your guests appear skeptical when you explain that all the old, empty pizza boxes lying around the living room help keep away raccoons and bears, don’t even try to explain the opossum that’s nesting in the dirty laundry in the bathroom.
The lower the hair growth is on a newborn baby, the more disturbing it becomes, e.g., head, mustache, beard, underarm or chest, pubic.
A baby’s spittle contains a high concentration of contempt which almost always goes undetected by both doctors and parents because of the infant’s inability to spit accurately.
When in port, Christopher Columbus preferred to stay at the Boatel 6.
Carpenters seldom hang themselves out of fear of being called Plumb Bob in the afterlife.
Remember, when you find it’s time to trim your fingernails, it’s also time to take a bath or shower, even if it’s not the first day of the month.
Like you, it’s important to remember that the woman’s body also ages, and that the only thing you really need to know about this process is that you should never mention it.
The first physical contact of any date is very important, and should never involve you thumping their belly the way you might a watermelon at the supermarket.
If your cow has somehow tricked you into stepping in a fresh pile of cow manure, you can get even by enrolling her in a creative writing class at your local community college, then sit back and enjoy the humiliation she suffers when everyone laughs at her short stories.
Prior to getting married, arrange for your significant other to have dental work done while waiting in line at the DMV; this experiment closely matches the conditions your spouse will experience being married to you, and with careful observation, will provide you with invaluable information on when to defend your actions and when to make a run for it.
Always let your friends know that if something terrible should happen to them you’re ready to stand up and speak for them at a time when they can’t, but under no circumstances whatsoever should you let them proofread the secret eulogies you’ve written on the backs of bar napkins.
During the 1970s, most flocks experienced a dramatic increase in a cappella dance parties, but this was mostly on account of the difficulty ducks had in successfully handling the 8-track equipment.
By asking an opossum if you can borrow his comb, you show him that you are willing to look past superficial flaws, such as greasy hair, and that you can be the kind of friend that can be counted on in a pinch.
Hemingway originally thought of the words “for whom the bell tolls” when he discovered one morning that all his coffee cups were impossibly dirty and that he would be forced into doing dishes.
As soon as it was discovered that the Earth’s ozone layer was being consumed by the humans’ evaporated collagen, scientists went to work to figure out what to do and quickly came up with the idea of ozone enriched body lotion.
There are no universal rules concerning handshakes when it comes to greeting conjoined twins; while offering both hands simultaneously has the advantage of saving time, the gesture can be misunderstood and lead to an unanticipated and possibly even awkward hug.
Nearly everyone is uncomfortable with the fact that Mozart, while still only a fetus, is said to have given his own mother several intense orgasms with his nearly continuous humming symphonies.
The velocity of feces falling towards a human’s head is measured in mischiefs per swoop.
The ear hair of aging men can be spun into a coarse yarn that is suitable for any knitting project that requires obstinate durability, such as horse blankets or shawls for women you dislike.
If Levi Strauss would label half of their products as pajamas, they would double their market share by appealing to millions of Americans too lazy to get dressed in the morning.
Every time you say the words, “Once… twice…,” hesitating just slightly after each word, you will force anyone in the room who was a teen during the late 1970’s to automatically think the words, “three times a lady.”
Young men should be taught early in life how to convince a woman that a man’s dry skin is considered an aphrodisiac in many parts of the world.
While a woman might not get away with murder by beating her husband to death with his own shoe, she can receive a lighter sentence by telling the jury that if she’d planned it better she would have used a loafer.
The door frame where the presidents all mark their height with indelible ink (except Nixon, who used pencil) is one of the White House’s most tightly kept secrets.
What would it even mean if an amoeba suddenly yelled, “Pull yourself together, man!”?
Contrary to current medical information, sciatica is the direct result of an over-stimulated truth bile gland.
The hit television show “Heroes” was originally conceived with an all-dog cast, but ran into trouble when the Hollywood Dog Actors Guild demanded that all the characters have super poker playing power.
If you find yourself hundreds of years out of synch on Slow Motion Day, there is a good chance you forgot to properly reset your clocks for Daylight Savings Time.
The metronome was originally intended to serve as a Methodist marital aid.
Tinfoil underpants are seldom a good idea.
While there is no secret formula to writing successful guides to living, one will seldom go wrong with a mixture of one part proficiency to four parts profusion.
To get along with the pregnant female, politely avoid referring to her as my gravid companion.
I'm sometimes afraid I'm just one of Rip Van Winkle's many dreams, and that when the lazy man finally wakes up, I'll disappear the moment he has a stretch and gives one of his armpits a good scratch.
For Christmas, Mary would always give Jesus socks, and he would smile and put them on, even though he thought he looked like a dork wearing socks with sandals.
Heart-shaped donuts have never caught on because the holes make people inexplicably sad.
If you are in the car with Keith, don't be surprised if he drives nearly a half a mile past your turn because he is busy pretending in his mind that he is playing the banjo.
While nine out of ten revolutionaries will say they like smelling change in the air, the truth is they actually prefer the smell of freshly brewed coffee.
Shy zombies are required to run at the back of the pack.
Many men overcome their elbow fetishes by finding work as hinge salesmen.
You're kidding yourself if you think the 12th step involves selling beautiful, long and slender strap hinges.
Starbucks could greatly increase their customer base by selling coffee breath shots to the poor and homeless.
While you can't actually mend a broken heart by swallowing a band-aid, it is fun advice to give to your forlorn friends.
A blue collar man will appreciate you telling him he's as sexy as a new hammer, but don't try to embellish the compliment by saying something silly, like claw hammer, or heaven forbid, ball peen.
Just think how rich I'll be once I'm granted my patent on death.
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