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Keith's Guides To Everything

If she’s mad as hell and coming at you with the 12” chef’s knife, don’t stare at her chest, no matter how much it’s heaving, but if all she’s grabbed is the paring knife, you should have time for a quick look.

    TAGS:  bosom, relationship advice, paring knife, young love, heaving, Keith's Guides to Everything, chef's knife


Remember that the art of sensual massage demands patience, and that while you may be tempted to rush your way up that smooth, oiled leg of hers, hold back those anxieties and take at least one full minute, or slightly longer for a really tall woman.

    TAGS:  relationship advice, young love, massage, Keith's Guides to Everything


A Sensible Man :: Keith

A sensible man will enjoy eating pork chops, but not to the extent that a second pig need be slaughtered before meal’s end.

    TAGS:  sensibility, pork chops, Keith's Guides to Everything


If you tell everyone what you’re doing minute by minute it’s called Twitter, but if someone knows what you’re doing minute by minute, it’s called stalking.

    TAGS:  Keith's Guides to Everything


98% of American doctors disapproved of early rock & roll music, but that approval rating changed dramatically after The Drifters used the word sacroiliac in a song.

    TAGS:  Keith's Guides to Everything


Various sources on the Internet state that in 1856, Englishmen, Healey and Allen, received a patent for the first corrugated or pleated paper, which was used to line tall men’s hats; I have not, however, found any information on what was used to support the hats of the short men.

    TAGS:  hats, loose history, cardboard, paper, patents, Keith's Guides to Everything


As a young boy, Herbert Hoover placed first in his elementary school’s state motto bee.

    TAGS:  loose history, Herbert Hoover, Keith's Guides to Everything


In some versions of the Snow White fairy tale, the seven dwarves are able to comfortably retire from mining after Doc presents Snow White’s medical bill to the prince.

    TAGS:  fairytales, Snow White, Keith's Guides to Everything


Jesus’ feet were size 10 1/2, but he’d only wear size 11 sandals because he had an irrational fear of fractions.

    TAGS:  Jesus, feet, phobia, fractions, Keith's Guides to Everything


Abraham Lincoln is the easiest president to imagine doing the robot dance.

    TAGS:  Abraham Lincoln, robot dance, Keith's Guides to Everything


No one knows for sure who invented the ice cube.

    TAGS:  inventions, ice cubes, Keith's Guides to Everything


A sexual obsession with hand puppets is called Self-Fulfilling Puppetry.

    TAGS:  obsession, puppets, Keith's Guides to Everything


Your kitchen might stink, like mine does right now, but I’m not in the kitchen and most likely, neither are you, so it doesn’t matter.

    TAGS:  housekeeping, priorities, Keith's Guides to Everything


The stilted yet somehow flowery prose of American inventor Samuel Morse is not easy to read and is often referred to by historians as The Remorse Code.

    TAGS:  Americana, loose history, Samuel Morse, prose, Keith's Guides to Everything


Any dream involving running shows the individual’s need for a slice of banana cream pie.

    TAGS:  dreams, pie, Keith's Guides to Everything


Teaching rats to talk would be a good first step in bringing back call center jobs to America.

    TAGS:  rats, Keith's Guides to Everything


A gyroscope ladder would never tip over, reducing the number of idiots hurt each year.

    TAGS:  accidents, ladders, idiots, Keith's Guides to Everything


To make life more unpredictable and fun, a televised random day lottery could draw a ball each morning to decide which day of the week it was.

    TAGS:  Keith's Guides to Everything


Toenail clippings can be ground into a fine powder that can be used to prevent weasel attacks.

    TAGS:  weasels, toenails, Keith's Guides to Everything


If you document your procrastination and laziness, then post or publish your notes in a public forum, your employer will be forced to take you serious when you threaten a discrimination suit against them for firing you for not doing your job.

    TAGS:  procrastination, laziness, Keith's Guides to Everything


In America you can make a lot of money with a traveling kangaroo show, and the business plan is fairly easy to write yourself if you’re planning on applying for a bank loan to get started.

    TAGS:  kangaroos, entrepreneurism, schemes, Keith's Guides to Everything


Money used to grow on trees and the sloth was once an aggressive creature whose favorite food was money, but when the tree money ran out, the sloths lost hope and became the slow, sluggish creatures we know today.

    TAGS:  money, old sayings, sloth, sluggish, Keith's Guides to Everything


Forget the chicken and the egg, the real Biblical enigma is how God could create pigs from bacon.

    TAGS:  god, bacon, creation, pigs, enigmas, Keith's Guides to Everything


Oddly enough, humans will seldom consider any creature cute unless it has a scruff.

    TAGS:  cute, scruff, Keith's Guides to Everything


A snake dream might mean your favorite television program may soon be cancelled; pay close attention to the level of your fear in the dream, as fear is the key to knowing how much battery power remains in your TV’s remote control.

    TAGS:  dreams, fear, snakes, Keith's Guides to Everything


The flying dream may be a sign that the stoplights will be in your favor on the way to Target.

    TAGS:  dreams, dream interpretation, Target - the store, Keith's Guides to Everything


To avoid suspicion in almost any situation, make sure you have not insisted that people call you Nacho.

    TAGS:  nicknames, suspicion, Keith's Guides to Everything


Back in 1928, no one questioned the cuteness of the Gerber baby, there was, however, a great national debate concerning the handsomeness of the thickly bearded Gillette baby.

    TAGS:  Americana, loose history, beards, Gerber baby, Keith's Guides to Everything


The crow is the only native North American bird not allowed by law to perch on the roof of the White House.

    TAGS:  crows, White House, Keith's Guides to Everything


A pet crow can be taught to both talk and play checkers, but studies have found that repeated use of the words “king me” has an 87% chance of leading to undesirable and frustratingly impossible ambition, both in the crow and the pet owner.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, crows, ambition, checkers, Keith's Guides to Everything


Playing checkers with your pet crow, while mostly fun, can lead to both undesirable ambition and unwanted pecking wounds.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, crows, checkers, Keith's Guides to Everything


While teaching your pet crow to play checkers is relatively easy, asking them to understand why a chess piece is named after an inferior bird will cause you nothing but grief.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, crows, checkers, rooks, Keith's Guides to Everything


If your guests appear skeptical when you explain that all the old, empty pizza boxes lying around the living room help keep away raccoons and bears, don’t even try to explain the opossum that’s nesting in the dirty laundry in the bathroom.

    TAGS:  bears, raccoons, opossums, Keith's Guides to Everything


The lower the hair growth is on a newborn baby, the more disturbing it becomes, e.g., head, mustache, beard, underarm or chest, pubic.

    TAGS:  hair, beards, babies, mustaches, Keith's Guides to Everything


A baby’s spittle contains a high concentration of contempt which almost always goes undetected by both doctors and parents because of the infant’s inability to spit accurately.

    TAGS:  babies, spittle, contempt, Keith's Guides to Everything


When in port, Christopher Columbus preferred to stay at the Boatel 6.

    TAGS:  loose history, Christopher Columbus, Keith's Guides to Everything


Carpenters seldom hang themselves out of fear of being called Plumb Bob in the afterlife.

    TAGS:  carpentry, Keith's Guides to Everything


Remember, when you find it’s time to trim your fingernails, it’s also time to take a bath or shower, even if it’s not the first day of the month.

    TAGS:  aging, fingernails, Keith's Guides to Everything


Like you, it’s important to remember that the woman’s body also ages, and that the only thing you really need to know about this process is that you should never mention it.

    TAGS:  aging, Keith's Guides to Everything


The first physical contact of any date is very important, and should never involve you thumping their belly the way you might a watermelon at the supermarket.

    TAGS:  dating, watermelon, thumping, supermarkets, Keith's Guides to Everything


If your cow has somehow tricked you into stepping in a fresh pile of cow manure, you can get even by enrolling her in a creative writing class at your local community college, then sit back and enjoy the humiliation she suffers when everyone laughs at her short stories.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, short story, cows, creative writing, community college, humiliation, manure, Keith's Guides to Everything


Prior to getting married, arrange for your significant other to have dental work done while waiting in line at the DMV; this experiment closely matches the conditions your spouse will experience being married to you, and with careful observation, will provide you with invaluable information on when to defend your actions and when to make a run for it.

    TAGS:  marriage, Keith's Guides to Everything


Always let your friends know that if something terrible should happen to them you’re ready to stand up and speak for them at a time when they can’t, but under no circumstances whatsoever should you let them proofread the secret eulogies you’ve written on the backs of bar napkins.

    TAGS:  funerals, eulogies, Keith's Guides to Everything


During the 1970s, most flocks experienced a dramatic increase in a cappella dance parties, but this was mostly on account of the difficulty ducks had in successfully handling the 8-track equipment.

    TAGS:  ducks, 1970s, anthropomorphism, 8-tracks, duck - the bird, psychology, dance party, Keith's Guides to Everything


By asking an opossum if you can borrow his comb, you show him that you are willing to look past superficial flaws, such as greasy hair, and that you can be the kind of friend that can be counted on in a pinch.

    TAGS:  anthropomorphism, combs, opossums, Keith's Guides to Everything


Hemingway originally thought of the words “for whom the bell tolls” when he discovered one morning that all his coffee cups were impossibly dirty and that he would be forced into doing dishes.

    TAGS:  Hemingway, Keith's Guides to Everything


As soon as it was discovered that the Earth’s ozone layer was being consumed by the humans’ evaporated collagen, scientists went to work to figure out what to do and quickly came up with the idea of ozone enriched body lotion.

    TAGS:  collagen, marketing, Keith's Guides to Everything


There are no universal rules concerning handshakes when it comes to greeting conjoined twins; while offering both hands simultaneously has the advantage of saving time, the gesture can be misunderstood and lead to an unanticipated and possibly even awkward hug.

    TAGS:  Keith's Guides to Everything


Nearly everyone is uncomfortable with the fact that Mozart, while still only a fetus, is said to have given his own mother several intense orgasms with his nearly continuous humming symphonies.

    TAGS:  orgasms, Mozart, Keith's Guides to Everything


The velocity of feces falling towards a human’s head is measured in mischiefs per swoop.

    TAGS:  birds, feces, Keith's Guides to Everything


The ear hair of aging men can be spun into a coarse yarn that is suitable for any knitting project that requires obstinate durability, such as horse blankets or shawls for women you dislike.

    TAGS:  aging, knitting, shawls, Keith's Guides to Everything


If Levi Strauss would label half of their products as pajamas, they would double their market share by appealing to millions of Americans too lazy to get dressed in the morning.

    TAGS:  Keith's Guides to Everything


Every time you say the words, “Once… twice…,” hesitating just slightly after each word, you will force anyone in the room who was a teen during the late 1970’s to automatically think the words, “three times a lady.”

    TAGS:  lyrics, Keith's Guides to Everything


Young men should be taught early in life how to convince a woman that a man’s dry skin is considered an aphrodisiac in many parts of the world.

    TAGS:  Keith's Guides to Everything


While a woman might not get away with murder by beating her husband to death with his own shoe, she can receive a lighter sentence by telling the jury that if she’d planned it better she would have used a loafer.

    TAGS:  murder, loafers, Keith's Guides to Everything


The door frame where the presidents all mark their height with indelible ink (except Nixon, who used pencil) is one of the White House’s most tightly kept secrets.

    TAGS:  White House, Keith's Guides to Everything


What would it even mean if an amoeba suddenly yelled, “Pull yourself together, man!”?

    TAGS:  amoebas, mitosis, Keith's Guides to Everything


Contrary to current medical information, sciatica is the direct result of an over-stimulated truth bile gland.

    TAGS:  bile, sciatica, Keith's Guides to Everything


The hit television show “Heroes” was originally conceived with an all-dog cast, but ran into trouble when the Hollywood Dog Actors Guild demanded that all the characters have super poker playing power.

    TAGS:  dogs, heroes, Keith's Guides to Everything


If you find yourself hundreds of years out of synch on Slow Motion Day, there is a good chance you forgot to properly reset your clocks for Daylight Savings Time.

    TAGS:  Daylight Saving Time, slow motion, Keith's Guides to Everything


The metronome was originally intended to serve as a Methodist marital aid.

    TAGS:  metronomes, Methodists, marital aids, Keith's Guides to Everything


Tinfoil underpants are seldom a good idea.

    TAGS:  fashion, fashion, bad ideas, underpants, tinfoil, Keith's Guides to Everything


While there is no secret formula to writing successful guides to living, one will seldom go wrong with a mixture of one part proficiency to four parts profusion.

    TAGS:  proficiency, secret formulas, profusion, Keith's Guides to Everything


To get along with the pregnant female, politely avoid referring to her as my gravid companion.

    TAGS:  gravid, pregnancy, Keith's Guides to Everything


I'm sometimes afraid I'm just one of Rip Van Winkle's many dreams, and that when the lazy man finally wakes up, I'll disappear the moment he has a stretch and gives one of his armpits a good scratch.

    TAGS:  dreams, armpits, Rip Van Winkle, Keith's Guides to Everything


For Christmas, Mary would always give Jesus socks, and he would smile and put them on, even though he thought he looked like a dork wearing socks with sandals.

    TAGS:  socks, Jesus, highly unlikely, dork, Christmas stories, Keith's Guides to Everything


Heart-shaped donuts have never caught on because the holes make people inexplicably sad.

    TAGS:  sadness, donuts, Keith's Guides to Everything


If you are in the car with Keith, don't be surprised if he drives nearly a half a mile past your turn because he is busy pretending in his mind that he is playing the banjo.

    TAGS:  daydreaming, banjo, pretend, Keith's Guides to Everything


While nine out of ten revolutionaries will say they like smelling change in the air, the truth is they actually prefer the smell of freshly brewed coffee.

    TAGS:  coffee, revolution - the political thing, Keith's Guides to Everything


Shy zombies are required to run at the back of the pack.

    TAGS:  zombies, prejudice, shy, Keith's Guides to Everything


Many men overcome their elbow fetishes by finding work as hinge salesmen.

    TAGS:  elbows, fetishes, hinges, Keith's Guides to Everything


You're kidding yourself if you think the 12th step involves selling beautiful, long and slender strap hinges.

    TAGS:  elbows, fetishes, hinges, Keith's Guides to Everything


Starbucks could greatly increase their customer base by selling coffee breath shots to the poor and homeless.

    TAGS:  coffee, Starbucks, marketing, Keith's Guides to Everything


While you can't actually mend a broken heart by swallowing a band-aid, it is fun advice to give to your forlorn friends.

    TAGS:  advice, broken heart, band-aids, forlorn, sympathy, Keith's Guides to Everything


A blue collar man will appreciate you telling him he's as sexy as a new hammer, but don't try to embellish the compliment by saying something silly, like claw hammer, or heaven forbid, ball peen.

    TAGS:  compliments, ball peen, hammers, Keith's Guides to Everything


Just think how rich I'll be once I'm granted my patent on death.

    TAGS:  death, patents, Keith's Guides to Everything


 

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