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Jesus

The Walrus may have been Paul, but the Lion was definitely Jesus.

    TAGS:  Jesus, walrus, Paul McCartney


Gravy For Lent :: Keith

“This year I’m giving up gravy for Lent,” Jacob told his wife, “but only dinner gravy, mind you, not my breakfast gravy; Jesus wouldn’t want that.”

    TAGS:  Jesus, gravy, sacrifice, Lent


apostrophication :: 'mouse

I’d've thought y’all would’ve agreed it’s Jason’s sister’s friend’s aunt’s dog’s fleas’ friend ‘mouse’s apostrophe use that’s made the baby Jesus cry.

    TAGS:  Jesus, apostrophication, crying


meatloaf :: Br. Ezra

Jesus doesn’t eat meatloaf.

    TAGS:  Jesus, meatloaf


Gary Coleman doesn’t eat meatloaf; Jesus really, really doesn’t eat meatloaf

    TAGS:  Jesus, meatloaf, Gary Coleman


In Heaven, Jesus often sings backup for Meatloaf…. “I wanna know right now, do you love me, will you love me forever, do you need me….

    TAGS:  Jesus, highly unlikely, backup singers, Meatloaf - the band


Apparently, ‘the power of Christ compels you’ is not a valid reason for my boss to give me a raise.

    TAGS:  work, baby, Jesus, footwear


You may have your own Personal Jesus, but I have to share Jesus the one-eyed superjanitor with the rest of the people in my office building.

    TAGS:  work, Jesus


It should come as no surprise that dogs often find it extra hard to accept Jesus as their personal savior while attending Cat Church.

    TAGS:  dogs, Jesus, cat church


One of the basic lessons of Cat Church is that temptation comes in many guises, and that is why you will always find a Jesus hanging on a carpet-covered scratching post cross behind the pulpit.

    TAGS:  Jesus, cat church, temptation, pulpit


Good Shabbos to all! :: Br. Ezra

Jesus explained to Pat Robertson that the reason he didn’t come to the door or answer the phone on Fridays was because it was shabbos, but Robertson found himself nonplussed and reminded his Lord and Savior that Sunday was actually “his day, and Jesus found himself, for the umpteenth time, gently reminding Robertson that he was Jewish and not Christian therefore the Sabbath fell at sundown Friday evening and when Robertson started to protest, Jesus just smiled sagely and said, “Shabbot Shalom” and walked away quickly before the televangelist could say more.

    TAGS:  Jesus, Pat Robertson, sabbath observances


Jesus’ learned patience each morning when he stepped out onto his wet lawn to retrieve the soggy newspaper that his carrier flung haphazardly as he rushed through his route.

    TAGS:  Jesus, patience, newspaper delivery


When my daughter was seven she asked me what Jesus tasted like - she was preparing for her first communion - and I wasn’t sure exactly how to answer until it dawned on me she was horrified by the whole “body and blood” element, and so I just responded, “like chicken, sweetheart, just like chicken,” but years later I wished I had become a Unitarian before scaring the holy bejeezus out of her (bad pun intended) and turned her into a vegan.

    TAGS:  1st communion, Jesus, chicken, chicken - the meat, transubstantiation, Unitarianism


Down the middle…Jesus saves - he shoots - he scores, and the crowd goes wild!

    TAGS:  Jesus, halo


I would look for Jesus but at the moment I still can’t find Waldo!

    TAGS:  Jesus, bumper stickers, Waldo


I have been tragically dead for nearly five months… but much like Zombie Jesus, I will rise again.

    TAGS:  Jesus, zombies, blasphemy


Jesus’ feet were size 10 1/2, but he’d only wear size 11 sandals because he had an irrational fear of fractions.

    TAGS:  Jesus, feet, fractions, phobia, Keith's Guides to Everything


I wish Jesus would come back so I could see him getting his groove on in an iPod commercial.

    TAGS:  Jesus, iPods, marketing


Whenever I tell my christian friends that Jesus was actually born in the summer, and Christmas was placed on the 25th to coincide with a preexisting Roman holiday, they’re never very pleased…

    TAGS:  agnostics, Jesus


Sheldon Meets Jesus :: Br. Ezra

ӿConoces a Jesús,” Sheldon, missionary to the people, asked young Jorge who replied enthusiastically, “Si todo el mundo sabe de Jesús” and pointed to the kindly pretzel vendor who had occupied the same corner between Third and Delaware for the past 15 years.

    TAGS:  Jesus, Sheldom Missionary to the People, pretzel vendors, pretzels


You ever get that creepy feeling that you’re being followed?” Jesus asked Peter the night before the Last Supper.

    TAGS:  Not the Gospel, Jesus, sayings, sayings of Jesus almost


“You followed me all this way out into the desert and not one of you thought to pack a picnic basket?

    TAGS:  Alphabetti Spaghetti, Not the Gospel, Jesus, sayings


“Pick a card” :: Br. Ezra

After rebuking the storm and walking on water Jesus’ disciples were no longer content with his card tricks.

    TAGS:  Jesus, card tricks, disciples, walking on water


Boychicks in the Hood :: Br. Ezra

Pat Harrington, Jr sat in his agent’s office hoping that his descent into obscurity had halted with the chance to reprise his role as hipster building super Schneider with the premiere of “Boychiks in the Hood,” a sitcom about 12 sketchy, but loveable homeboys sharing digs in an East Jerusalem tenement building, although a contract dispute between Jesus and the Fox Network threatened to prevent this weekly 30 minutes of family viewing fun from ever making it past the pilot episode.

    TAGS:  Jesus, sitcoms, East Jerusalem, Fox Network, Pat Harrington Jr., Schneider, One Day at a Time References


And, unpleasant as it may be to admit it, it is at last becoming evident that the enormous increase in productive power which has marked the present century and is still going on with accelerating ratio, has no tendency to extirpate poverty or to lighten the burdens of those compelled to toil. It simply widens the gulf between Dives and Lazarus, and makes the struggle for existence more intense

    TAGS:  Bent Rule Club, Jesus, atheism, Einstein, self-esteem, Schrodinger, lattes, theology, Schrodinger's cat


Henry was surprised to discover that they still celebrated birthdays in Heaven, and he was darn glad he wasn’t one of the poor suckers who had to share the day with Jesus.

    TAGS:  Henry, Jesus, birthdays, Heaven - the place, poor suckers


For Christmas, Mary would always give Jesus socks, and he would smile and put them on, even though he thought he looked like a dork wearing socks with sandals.

    TAGS:  socks, Jesus, highly unlikely, dork, Christmas stories, Keith's Guides to Everything


 

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