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Heaven - The Place
ducks :: Imaginary Keith

John was surprised to learn that Heaven had only one duck, but even more surprised when the duck waddled over and introduced himself as God.

    TAGS:  god, afterlife, duck - the bird, Heaven - the place, waddle

bob at the gate :: Keith

Bob was surprised to learn that entering Heaven was as easy as knowing the correct time, and even more surprised when he looked down and discovered that he’d been buried without his watch.

    TAGS:  Bob, Heaven - the place, watch - the timepiece

Bob Ascends :: Keith

Bob approached the gates of Heaven, trying to decide which line in would move faster - Brave Fools or Fools Who Died Bravely.

    TAGS:  Bob, Heaven - the place, bravery, fools

Bob Paves :: Keith

Following his death, Bob was quickly assigned to one of Heaven’s street repair crews, which basically meant that the back-breaking career in cement that he’d had on Earth could now go on for all eternity, except of course that it was now a back-breaking career in gold, which turns out is much harder to build roads with.

    TAGS:  Bob, Heaven - the place, cement

Heaven :: Jo

All the times you have stood in line are counted up and given back to you at the end of your life in the form of exotic drinks and delicious appetizers.

    TAGS:  Heaven - the place, queues, tallying up

If the streets of Heaven end up being paved with gold, I can’t help but wonder if shoe rental will be required, like when you go bowling.

    TAGS:  afterlife, shoes, Heaven - the place, wandering thoughts

Reincarnation :: Keith

Henry was surprised to learn that Heaven had no recycling program, at least not in the traditional sense, and that everyone just threw their trash over the edge, where it would fall down to Earth and turn into people.

    TAGS:  people, Heaven - the place, reincarnation, recycling, trash

Bib Overalls :: Keith

In farmer heaven, everyone looks good in bib overalls.

    TAGS:  fashion, fashion, Heaven - the place, bib overalls, farmers, overalls, looking good

It is a little known fact that among the angels in heaven there is an ironclad hierarchy defined by your death—with death by falling piano the extreme top of the pecking order and death by banking complications establishing the other end of the spectrum

    TAGS:  afterlife, angels, banking, Heaven - the place, complications, pianos, hierarchy

Herman Heaven :: Keith

Schuster believed in Herman Heaven—the place he thought all the Hermans went to be happy after they died.

    TAGS:  happy, Schuster, Heaven - the place, Herman, death - the state of being

If a preacher could honestly promise me that my local taco stand would exist in heaven, as it must in a just universe, I would turn my life around and follow a path of righteousness.

    TAGS:  Heaven - the place, tacos, world's best tacos

I fear that when the mother ship returns to transport all the good, deserving people of the world to heaven my passcode won’t work and I will be left floating outside for eternity.

    TAGS:  Heaven - the place, eternity, passcode, mothership

The fact that Chuck Woolery considers himself a born again Christian is all the proof I need that Heaven is a game show.

    TAGS:  Heaven - the place, Chuck Woolery, game shows

Arriving in Heaven, Henry was surprised to find out that his 82 years on Earth had been nothing more than a prison sentence for jaywalking near the pearly gate the first time he’d arrived; what surprised him even more, however, was finding out his wife was back on Earth doing time for angelic prostitution.

    TAGS:  Henry, Heaven - the place, prostitution, jaywalking, pearly gates

Extra Virgins. :: OhNo789

What are muslim olives greeted with when they go to heaven?

    TAGS:  bad jokes, Heaven - the place, olives

Upon arriving in Heaven, Henry was pleased to find out that God had plans for a big budget musical comedy based on his life, but was ultimately disappointed when he auditioned for the lead role and was immediately shown the door to Hell.

    TAGS:  Henry, god, ridiculous encounters, Heaven - the place, Hell - the place, musical comedy

In ancient Heaven, a target was not composed of a series of concentric rings, but was more of a misshapen lump that resembled, oddly enough, the human nose.

    TAGS:  Heaven - the place, noses, concentric, misshapen, targets

Finding Neverland :: Br. Ezra

The Gideon standing outside the Safeway at Colorado and Mexico asked me if I knew how to get to heaven; I replied, “Yes…second star on the right and straight on till morning.

    TAGS:  Heaven - the place, Gideons, Neverland

This Gentle Reaping :: Br. Ezra

Death is a beautiful woman in an evening gown; your end will not come with a reaping, but with the softest of kisses leaving you to dream of heaven.

    TAGS:  dreaming, Heaven - the place, Death - the personification, evening gowns

Henry was surprised to discover that they still celebrated birthdays in Heaven, and he was darn glad he wasn’t one of the poor suckers who had to share the day with Jesus.

    TAGS:  Henry, Jesus, birthdays, Heaven - the place, poor suckers


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