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John was surprised to learn that Heaven had only one duck, but even more surprised when the duck waddled over and introduced himself as God.
Bob was surprised to learn that entering Heaven was as easy as knowing the correct time, and even more surprised when he looked down and discovered that he’d been buried without his watch.
Bob approached the gates of Heaven, trying to decide which line in would move faster - Brave Fools or Fools Who Died Bravely.
Following his death, Bob was quickly assigned to one of Heaven’s street repair crews, which basically meant that the back-breaking career in cement that he’d had on Earth could now go on for all eternity, except of course that it was now a back-breaking career in gold, which turns out is much harder to build roads with.
All the times you have stood in line are counted up and given back to you at the end of your life in the form of exotic drinks and delicious appetizers.
If the streets of Heaven end up being paved with gold, I can’t help but wonder if shoe rental will be required, like when you go bowling.
Henry was surprised to learn that Heaven had no recycling program, at least not in the traditional sense, and that everyone just threw their trash over the edge, where it would fall down to Earth and turn into people.
In farmer heaven, everyone looks good in bib overalls.
It is a little known fact that among the angels in heaven there is an ironclad hierarchy defined by your death—with death by falling piano the extreme top of the pecking order and death by banking complications establishing the other end of the spectrum
Schuster believed in Herman Heaven—the place he thought all the Hermans went to be happy after they died.
If a preacher could honestly promise me that my local taco stand would exist in heaven, as it must in a just universe, I would turn my life around and follow a path of righteousness.
I fear that when the mother ship returns to transport all the good, deserving people of the world to heaven my passcode won’t work and I will be left floating outside for eternity.
The fact that Chuck Woolery considers himself a born again Christian is all the proof I need that Heaven is a game show.
Arriving in Heaven, Henry was surprised to find out that his 82 years on Earth had been nothing more than a prison sentence for jaywalking near the pearly gate the first time he’d arrived; what surprised him even more, however, was finding out his wife was back on Earth doing time for angelic prostitution.
What are muslim olives greeted with when they go to heaven?
Upon arriving in Heaven, Henry was pleased to find out that God had plans for a big budget musical comedy based on his life, but was ultimately disappointed when he auditioned for the lead role and was immediately shown the door to Hell.
In ancient Heaven, a target was not composed of a series of concentric rings, but was more of a misshapen lump that resembled, oddly enough, the human nose.
The Gideon standing outside the Safeway at Colorado and Mexico asked me if I knew how to get to heaven; I replied, “Yes…second star on the right and straight on till morning.
Death is a beautiful woman in an evening gown; your end will not come with a reaping, but with the softest of kisses leaving you to dream of heaven.
Henry was surprised to discover that they still celebrated birthdays in Heaven, and he was darn glad he wasn’t one of the poor suckers who had to share the day with Jesus.
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