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Fender - The Character

The window of opportunity had never been wider, but Fender couldn’t shake the nagging image of a burglar making a lethal getaway from the tenth floor.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, escape, opportunity, imagery

Whenever Fender fell asleep at his desk, he’d wake to the smell of Sharpie pens and rude drawings all over his head.

    TAGS:  work, sleep, Fender - the character, baldness, Sharpies

Though his head was buried deep within his blankets and pillows, Fender could still hear his boss’s voice on the answering machine, intoning his infamous line, “You can be ill at work just as easily as at home”, and he wished for just a moment he were actually capable of getting out of bed and driving to the store, just for the satisfaction of sneezing in the bastard’s lunch.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, revenge, calling in sick

Fender looked back on his undergrad with nostalgia, particularly his year abroad, studying micromanagement in Micronesia.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, economics, Micronesia

The paper Fender wrote on the native micromanagers of Micronesia did not become the seminal anthropological treatise he had hoped, but consulting on office-based sitcoms was rewarding in and of itself.

    TAGS:  anthropology, Fender - the character, economics, sitcoms, Micronesia

Fender considered asking to have patchouli oil added to his father’s ashes, but he knew his siblings would be incensed.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character

As Fender’s father rose, both figuratively and literally, up the corporate ladder, his young son privately concluded a sense of humor must not be able to rise above the eighth story, and tolerance tended to drop off around the twentieth.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character

When Fender’s mother was young, she was a member of cult until her parents had her professionally extracted; this, in Fender’s private opinion, began to explain her predilection for staying up late watching infomercials with all the doors locked except one.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, cults, infomercials, QVC, hypnosis

“Think of it - we live on the bottom of an ocean of air,” said Fender to the third grade class, and they continued down the sidewalk, paddling boisterously against the current.

    TAGS:  children, air, Fender - the character, ocean, play

Fender’s dogs never missed him when he was away, but they did remember him with fondness upon his return.

    TAGS:  dogs, Fender - the character

Copy boy :: pam

“How long can I sit here,” thought Fender, in the grand and glorious tradition of office copy boys throughout history, “before they figure out I don’t really do anything?”

    TAGS:  Fender - the character

Micronaps :: pam

Most afternoons, Fender could usually work in a micronap at his temp job; the coworkers who noticed seemed to assume he was just deep in thought, despite the nature of a copy boy’s job.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character

The lonely chill was similar to something Fender had felt as a child, the day he realized that Cracker Jack had no real incentive to put good toys in their gold and red boxes anymore.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, toys, existentialism, cracker jacks, realization, incentives

interaction :: pam

Fender typed his thoughts and dropped them into the digital stream, where they merged with the mighty running commentary on their way to the singularity.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, singularity

“If you can stand being openly mocked on a website owned by somebody in Tennessee,” he said, “and see your essay subsequently read and laughed at by people all over the world, have the whole thing remarked upon by your own friends over lunch, and yet find within yourself the strength to post another essay the next day, you may have what it takes to be a blogger.”

    TAGS:  blogging, Fender - the character

Careful not to make a noise, Fender eased his sunburned backside in the padded conference chair, turned the page of the comic book hidden in a leather portfolio, and wondered, not for the first time, how any of these executives could trust a speaker who used the word “synergy”.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, synergy

Fender’s best job this year had been, without question, the flower shop; he’d forgotten to keep the roses watered in their buckets, and rather than admit his failure to his manager, he had tied black ribbon around crinkled rose stems by the dozen, and sold them as Goth bouquets.

    TAGS:  roses, Fender - the character

Hail Mary :: pam

Determined to finish his research, Fender rolled his sleep-crusted eyes, sighed, and typed a Hail Mary question into Google.

    TAGS:  Alphabetti Spaghetti, Fender - the character

Fender learned the hard way that ‘oh, just you wait’ is an awkward response to one’s boss professing to be looking forward to reading one’s report.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character

Fender’s origami cranes were indistinguishable from his origami crawfish, but no one was confused by the origami boulders.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, boulders, cranes, origami

Meetup :: pam

There was no question that Fender would skip the local Twitter meetup; he liked his Twitter follows exactly as they seemed: imaginary.

    TAGS:  avoidance, Fender - the character, Twitter - the service

The fire department quit testing its civil defense system at noon on the last Friday of every month because the siren tended to frighten everybody; this confused Fender because he’d thought that was the whole point.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, civil defense

“I gave up atheism for Lent,” said Fender, keeping an eye out for, and getting, the expected reaction every time.

    TAGS:  atheism, Fender - the character

It had been such a spectacularly bad idea to go to work in the first place, Fender was not the least surprised to find his beat-up Nissan had been crushed under a fallen sycamore.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character

For the third time in as many months, Fender was invited to join another of those ironically sincere hipster bands - the kind where the guys wore short beards and nerd glasses and the girls wore thrift store calico, and the group’s sound amounted to retooled 70s album rock purloined from their parents.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, hipsters

Though they never spoke of it now, Fender and his college buddies once started a band that formed dramatically but practiced sporadically, and was delivered a mercy killing at its very first gig.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, gigs, mercy killing

Like his closets, Fender’s social bookmarking sites were beginning to get hopelessly cluttered with magazines and newspapers he’d saved with good intention, but had never gotten around to reading.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, Internet

To Fender, “The Pied Piper of chicks” sounded less like a Viagra spam header and more like a man who could make whole communities of chicken farmers very angry.

    TAGS:  chickens, chicken - the bird, Fender - the character, spam, Pied Piper, Viagra

His lunch menu never varied in the slightest, the local weather conditions could be viewed online, and Coldplay was still just derivative schlock: with a vaguely uneasy sense of a job not quite well-done, Fender deleted his Twitter account.

    TAGS:  Fender - the character, ennui, Coldplay, Twitter - the service

Woof :: pam

Fodor's Dog-to-English Dictionary included 208 different words just to describe fire hydrant smells, a fact which led Fender to revise his timetable for learning a new language.

    TAGS:  dogs, Fender - the character, fire hydrants


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