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Einstein

The day Shrodinger went missing it was Einstein that suspected the cat, who seemed to be mocking him silently with its chesire grin and piercing green eyes.

    TAGS:  Einstein, quantum theory, Schrodinger's cat


“I appreciate science as much as the next feline,” Schrodinger’s cat explained to Einsten, “But you scientists are trying to squeeze every last drop of mystery out of the universe…when you have discovered the source for the Aurora Borealis what will you do next, will it be wormholes in Utah?”

    TAGS:  Einstein, aurora borealis, wormholes, Schrodinger's cat


Schrodinger’s Cat, satisfied that Einstein would not be able to respond to his accusation about wormholes in Utah, turned his attention to killing the butterflies who were dancing about in the atrium garden; Einstein, repulsed by the cat’s predatory behavior, tried appealing to the cat’s sense of reason only to be told that since Chaos Theory suggests that a butterfly flapping his wings in the atrium could ultimately create a tsunami off the coast of Tokyo justifies his need to exterminate every butterfly that he runs into and, when you think about it, he was actually doing the world a favor.

    TAGS:  Einstein, butterflies, chaos theory, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein explained the entirety of western philosophical endeavors to Schrodinger’s cat as being the attempt to bring subject and object together in a unified field of wholeness (the cat being German should have had a particular appreciation for this) but the cagey feline just continued to stare at the old physicist with that Cheshire grin – when he wasn’t hunting butterflies in the atrium – causing Einstein to wonder what really happened to Dr. Schrodinger and what exactly the cat put in the mystery box along with those radioactive isotopes.

    TAGS:  Einstein, western philosophy, Schrodinger's cat


Schrödinger’s Cat suggested they visit the Garden State which Einstein thought would be splendid as long as they avoided Hoboken – the cat was somewhat surprised thinking Einstein would have preferred avoiding Newark – because some cities smell more like New Jersey than others and ought to be avoided if you were prone to sinus infections.

    TAGS:  Einstein, hoboken, sinus infections, New Jersey, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein’s post modern theories of God did not impress Schrodinger’s cat, who being a secular humanist, found praying to God akin to a child talking to his imaginary friend (not unlike a certain physicists tendency to talk his cat) and the cagey feline felt this was a big waste of time when you could spend time in more useful pursuits such as licking yourself in some nice sunny spot on the carpet.

    TAGS:  Einstein, imaginary friends, Schrodinger's cat


Schrodinger’s cat felt that the Veggie Tales version of Jonah is more accurate because Whales are more likely to be vegetarian (feasting as they do on plankton) then they are to be carnivorous; Einstein disagreed as some Whales do enjoy the occasional krill which, makes them at least omnivorous, but did concede the cat’s point that it was highly unlikely such a creature could ever swallow a man whole.

    TAGS:  Einstein, veggie tales, Jonah & the Whale, Schrodinger's cat


Schrodinger’s Cat liked to debate Intelligent Design with Einstein and he always took the side of the Christians even though he was a cat (making him an atheist by nature) because it always made Einstein red in the face when he asserted that cats could not have possibly been descendant from monkeys.

    TAGS:  Einstein, intelligent design, Schrodinger's cat


Schrödinger’s cat argued with Einstein about the nature of justice saying that in our legal system it’s not about the truth but about the plausibility of one story over another, but although Einstein appreciated the cat’s logic – possibly even agreeing - he still refused to lend him the bail money.

    TAGS:  ridiculous encounters, Einstein, bail bonds, justice, legal system, Schrodinger's cat


Schrodinger’s Cat mused out loud to Einstein about the death of Arthur C. Clarke wondering if he had a David Bowman moment as he drew his terminal breath, but Einstein thought that instead of a “My God, it’s full of stars” moment he probably disintegrated into millions of nano particles but conceded that it would have been cool if Clarke had turned into a fetus floating through space in a bubble like David Bowman did at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey.

    TAGS:  2001: A Space Odyssey, Einstein, Arthur C. Clarke, David Bowman, Schrodinger's cat


Schrödinger’s Cat liked to celebrate the vernal equinox on March 20th, but Einstein believed that Spring didn’t officially begin until he spotted at least one farmer’s daughter wearing tight little workout shorts exposing her long bare legs and pretty little feet shod only in stylish flip flops standing in front of him at the theater concession stand and, while the cat appreciated the fact that the young women always had long, heavily braided hair hanging halfway down their backs to swat at, he felt the need to remind the elder physicist such beauty always gave him chest pains.

    TAGS:  Spring, Einstein, flip-flops, vernal equinox, theater concession stands, farmer's daughters, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein thought that since he was a big fan of the Rocky movies he might vote for Clinton - he especially appreciated the candidates willingness to compare herself to the great prizefighter - but Shrodinger’s cat, always one to notice subtle ironies, reminded the physicist that Rocky got beaten by a black guy too.

    TAGS:  Einstein, Clinton, rocky, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein thought that Glenn Ford would have been perfect to fill the shoes of the titular role in his biopic of Frank J. Zamboni because he possessed that hard to define American grit, but Schrodinger’s cat felt that ice resurfacing stories are best told by actors such as Robert Mitchum or John Wayne because Americans wanted their heroes to have strong chins.

    TAGS:  Einstein, Glenn Ford, Frank J. Zamboni, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein thought Liquid Ass would be a great way to liven up the annual Quantum Physics Symposium, but Schrodinger’s Cat believed it was best to stick with the classics - plastic dog poo, rubber vomit or even a well placed whoopie cushion - because they were proven knee slappers and always killed them at the annual gathering.

    TAGS:  Einstein, practical jokes, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein didn’t care much for the metaphysics of Sartre and said so to the bus driver as he was riding home from the library, but Schrödinger’s cat found it great fun to imagine that the city bus could just as easily be a crocodile floating languidly down a river much to the dawning horror of the riders.

    TAGS:  Einstein, city bus drivers, metaphysics, Jean Paul Sartre, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein told his friend, Schrodinger’s cat, that the Internet was a great tool for physics but seemed to have an unpleasant side effect of inciting people to violence and other bits of stupidity, but Schrodinger’s cat believed it was Saturday morning cartoons such as the Looney Toons that often was the source of many people’s bad judgment.

    TAGS:  Einstein, Internet, saturday morning cartoons, looney toons, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein bemoaned the age of disco believing it to be responsible for the present decline of western civilization, but Schrodinger’s cat thought disco a good thing and that retro dance clubs a great place for a cat to get himself some sweet pussy, but Einstein couldn’t buy into that argument, and he thought that no one would really dance to disco beats of Pink Floyd covers no matter how snappy they were.

    TAGS:  Einstein, disco, Pink Floyd, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein proposed legislation that every vagina should come with an user’s manual because, while the clitoris was easy to find, not every woman was wired the same, but Schrödinger’s cat believed that while it may be easy to find you still couldn’t prevent it from going into hiding due to third party mismanagement, so why add an additional layer of inefficient government bureaucracy to an already overstressed situation, but Einstein countered by reminding his incorrigible feline friend of their trip to the Vagina Monologs which clearly demonstrated that having a hoo hoo did not mean you knew anything about it or how to use it, leaving the cat to concede, but adding that ‘men didn’t like to stop and ask directions anyway so what good what is a user’s manual in the first place?

    TAGS:  Einstein, clitoris, vagina monologues, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein knew not to sleep naked the night he had the vet neuter Schrodinger’s cat; the cat paced on the bed where the great physicist slept, limping from the pain in his sore nether regions and purring menacingly as he extended his razor sharp claws – swiping the air above the aging scientist’s balls wisely protected by an athletic cup – the cat’s glowering yellow eyes said it all, “I see you still have yours…but not for long!

    TAGS:  Einstein, feline castration, neutering, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein explained to Schrodinger’s cat that Muslims and Christians warring with each other seemed nothing more than silly kids fighting over whose imaginary friend was better, but the wily cat simply wheezed – a sound Einstein mistook for a hair ball – while wondering how that was any different from a renowned physicist talking to a cat.

    TAGS:  Einstein, Christians, crusades, Muslims, Schrodinger's cat


Schrodinger’s cat explained that catnip was all the proof one needed that a benevolent God existed, but Einstein felt that if God truly existed it would be hard to reconcile his benevolence with RuPaul’s Drag Race and if, upon death, Einstein found himself confronted by his maker as to why he didn’t believe the intrepid physicist would feel obligated to echo the words of the late Bertrand Russell – not enough evidence Lord, not enough evidence.

    TAGS:  Einstein, Betrand Russell, catnip, RuPaul, Schrodinger's cat


‘Interesting, 90% of the universe is missing’, remarked Einstein as he leafed casually through the latest issue of The Great Courses Catalog, which prompted Schrodinger’s cat to wheel out the whiteboard and perform some quick calculations – ‘see here’, the cat said as he scribbled fanatically, the dry erase marker squeaking with urgency, ‘if this is true then we might postulate that the drier in our laundry room creates a vortex via static charge pulling our socks into a heretofore undiscovered wormhole and into this missing part of the universe҅Einstein nodded, although he thought the theory somewhat dubious but was willing to test it out by dumping the cat’s litter box into the drier to see what would happen.

    TAGS:  socks, Einstein, Driers, wormholes, whiteboards, litter boxes, Schrodinger's cat


“If you’re such a genius then why is using your name such an insult?” Schrodinger’s cat asked Einstein as he busily assembled his new mail order bookcase.

    TAGS:  Einstein, Ikea, genius, genius bar, Nature of Genius, Schodingers cat, Schrodinger's cat


Einstein unraveled the ball of string theory batted around the kitchen floor by Schrödinger’s cat.

    TAGS:  Einstein, String Theory, Schrodinger's cat


And, unpleasant as it may be to admit it, it is at last becoming evident that the enormous increase in productive power which has marked the present century and is still going on with accelerating ratio, has no tendency to extirpate poverty or to lighten the burdens of those compelled to toil. It simply widens the gulf between Dives and Lazarus, and makes the struggle for existence more intense

    TAGS:  Bent Rule Club, Jesus, atheism, Einstein, self-esteem, Schrodinger, lattes, theology, Schrodinger's cat


At the point Einstein considered Speed Dating™ as a way of meeting suitable mates, Schrodinger’s Cat postulated that given the wry sense of humor of the universe and its love of irony, the moment the Noble prize winner set his heart on a woman that would make the perfect companion for a man it would turn out that she liked girls too.

    TAGS:  Einstein, mates, speed dating, lesbians, Schrodinger's cat


 

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