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bob flips :: Keith

With enlightenment seemingly out of reach, Bob decided his choices boiled down to either fierce determination or cheeseburgers for lunch.

    TAGS:  Bob, enlightenment, cheeseburgers, determination, simple choices

bob at the gate :: Keith

Bob was surprised to learn that entering Heaven was as easy as knowing the correct time, and even more surprised when he looked down and discovered that he’d been buried without his watch.

    TAGS:  Bob, Heaven - the place, watch - the timepiece

bob descends :: Keith

Waiting in line to enter Hell, Bob amused himself with the irony of the insurance industry; he also met two nice people - Janet, a mother of three, and Steven, a fireman from Omaha.

    TAGS:  Bob, irony, insurance, Hell - the place, Omaha

bob plans :: Keith

Bob’s plan was simple -- introduce the person behind him to the person in front, hope they struck up a friendship, then offer to trade places so they could talk, allowing him to ever so slowly back his way out of the line leading into Hell.

    TAGS:  Bob, Hell - the place, introductions, simple plans

bob moves :: Keith

One by one, Bob moved slowly back down the line; if his plan worked he’d be free, but if it didn’t there’d be hell to pay.

    TAGS:  Bob, afterlife, Hell - the place, misguided attempts

bob doubts :: Keith

He’d always imagined that the afterlife contained no second-guessing, but now that he’d begun moving, Bob wasn’t so sure; afterall, if he’d held still, he’d be going to Hell with a fireman as a friend, which sounds helpful no matter how you slice it.

    TAGS:  Bob, afterlife, Hell - the place, firemen

rethinking :: Snow

It appeared as though Bob should probably have chosen the cheeseburgers.

    TAGS:  Bob, cheeseburgers, hindsight

BBQ :: 'mouse

The smell of barbecue has always been a turn-off, thought Bob, dreaming wistfully of a cool, ripe tomato and avocado salad.

    TAGS:  Bob, avocados, barbecue, tomatoes, wistful

born a robert :: Keith

Occasionally, some poor Robert will slip over the edge and end up a Bert instead of a Bob; few other names contain the potential for such tragedy.

    TAGS:  Bob

“You’re in the wrong line,” said Janet in an annoyed tone to Bob, who was craning his neck to see around her bouffant.

    TAGS:  Bob, bouffant, hairdo

bob gets paranoid :: 'mouse

As Bob sat staring blankly at the computer screen a gnawing anxiety began to grow, what if comments had been turned off on his favorite website because its owner had decided that Bob was a babbling idiot who wasn’t adding anything to the conversation, and was there a conversation, or was Bob just a babbling idiot who had been fooling himself all along?

    TAGS:  Bob, anxiety, babbling

bob walks :: Keith

Bob was quick to tell people he’d walked across Montana three times, but always failed to mention that he’d walked the short side.

    TAGS:  Bob, convenient lies, half-truths, Montana

bob trains :: Keith

Bob had many cats, and had taught all of them to walk around the house on their hind legs, which he thought made them look proper and sophisticated; it also irritated his one and only dog, whom he had never liked very much.

    TAGS:  Bob, cats, dogs, highly unlikely, sophisticated nonsense

bob breaks :: Keith

Bob slowly went broke in the face of beauty.

    TAGS:  Bob, beauty, financial ruin

yawn :: 'mouse

Bob thought, “I need a nap,” as he rolled out of bed in the morning.

    TAGS:  Bob, naps

bob uncovered :: steve

Four days later, while reading a newspaper account of a mysterious local housefire, an insurance agent said to himself, “Wait a minute…”

    TAGS:  Bob, fire, insurance fraud

Bob Recovered :: Keith

It’d been nearly three months since the sentencing, but Bob didn’t think he’d ever get used to his cellmate’s penchant for staring, or the man’s particular fondness for repeating, “Don’t worry fireman, I got your back.”

    TAGS:  Bob, arson, prison

Bob depressed :: 'mouse

“I’m tired of being sick and sick of being tired,” Bob said, feeling undue pride in the perceived quality of his sentence.

    TAGS:  Bob, pride

Bob Communes :: Keith

“Now put on these ruby slippers,” Bob told the Pope, “tap your heels together three times, each time repeating - there’s no place like Rome.”

    TAGS:  Bob, ridiculous encounters, pope, Rome, ruby slippers

Bob Quits :: Keith

“There is no world record for being depressed,” the doctor told Bob, “so you might as well just stop looking forward to that right here and now.”

    TAGS:  Bob, abrupt truth, depression, world records

Bob Typos :: Keith

Bob had been having second thoughts about the mail-order French bride he’d ordered the month before, so he was greatly relieved when the postman finally arrived and left at his door not a wife, but a lovely 2 kilogram wheel of brie.

    TAGS:  Bob, brie, mail-order bride, second thoughts

Bob snacks :: 'mouse

Bob stood in the snack aisle, trying to choose between Cheetos and spicy pork rinds, wondering if the choice could be seen as a reflection of larger things—Mexico versus the United States, natural verus chemical, etc.—or if it was really nothing more than a choice between two crappy snacks, either of which would fail to alleviate his depression for even a moment and which would, regardless of his his choice, soon enough leave him feeling slightly ill.

    TAGS:  Bob, indecision, snacks

Bob Banks :: Keith

Funny, thought Bob, that the more banks they built in his small town, the less money he seemed to have.

    TAGS:  Bob, money

Bob Avoids :: Keith

Whenever Bob’s wife asked him why he avoided her, he always gave the mountain climbing answer, which he thought summed the situation up nicely: “Because you’re there,” he’d say, then dash off, pretending he was searching for a new, secret base camp to ride out some upcoming storm, which in reality, wasn’t far from the truth.

    TAGS:  Bob, marriage, base camp

Bob Ascends :: Keith

Bob approached the gates of Heaven, trying to decide which line in would move faster - Brave Fools or Fools Who Died Bravely.

    TAGS:  Bob, Heaven - the place, bravery, fools

Bob has no luck :: 'mouse

As Bob sat at the bar alone and stared into his second beer, he was struck by an ephiphany, of sorts: He was a man who had no luck—no good luck and no bad luck—and that began to gnaw a him.

    TAGS:  Bob, beer, luck

Bob Burns :: Keith

Bob suddenly had the strange feeling that God was a chain-smoker, and that humans were nothing more than nearly finished cigarettes, tossed carelessly onto Earth to burn themselves into nothingness, occasionally ground-out under the creator’s foot with barely a passing thought.

    TAGS:  Bob, existence

Bob’s week :: 'mouse

“I hate Mondays,” thought Bob, “and I’m not real fond of Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays or Friday mornings either.”

    TAGS:  Bob, Friday, Thursday

Bob Wondered :: Keith

Bob sometimes wondered if he just started walking, how far he would have to go before everything began to feel new.

    TAGS:  Bob

Bob Paves :: Keith

Following his death, Bob was quickly assigned to one of Heaven’s street repair crews, which basically meant that the back-breaking career in cement that he’d had on Earth could now go on for all eternity, except of course that it was now a back-breaking career in gold, which turns out is much harder to build roads with.

    TAGS:  Bob, Heaven - the place, cement

Bob’s Lawyer :: 'mouse

As Bob sat looking across the desk at his lawyer he thought, if people would just be nice to each other, these smart folks could dedicate their considerable intelligence to far more productive pursuits.

    TAGS:  Bob, lawyers

Bob knew that the energetic, optimistic feeling he felt while drinking his morning coffee was just an illusion, but that didn’t stop him from enjoying those few hope-filled minutes each day.

    TAGS:  coffee, Bob, optimism

Bob On Exercise :: Keith

The older Bob got, the more he enjoyed watching other people exercise.

    TAGS:  Bob, exercise, lethargy

Bob ponders god :: 'mouse

“Since I’m made in his image, that means he’s a depressed, underachieving, balding, middle-aged white guy going soft around the middle,” Bob said to his beer, “That explains a lot.”

    TAGS:  Bob, god, depression, balding, middle-age

Bob wondered if the Supreme Court would make assisted suicide legal nation-wide, as long as people promised to set up trust funds for the government, so that the monetary rape could continue long after the body was in the grave.

    TAGS:  Bob, assisted suicide, Supreme Court

“Carp bait!” thought Bob, miserably, glaring at the cover article on Sportsman Illustrated as he sat on the can, wondering if he could muster the energy to find a straght-razor to slit his wrists, “I can’t believe Ed Shushucker, that slimy shyster from high school, made ten million dollars selling carp bait.”

    TAGS:  Bob, carp

Bob Survived :: Keith

Bob survived the tsunami by stuffing his clothes full of plastic, kids meal toys, which he found floating in the water by the millions.

    TAGS:  Bob, tsunami

The woodworking club met every week in Bob’s shop, Although his wife swore there was nothing mundaner, Than fully grown men discussing wood grain and tools, And each week growing slightly insaner; But then Bob became treasurer (after mitering his thumb), And his wife thought, “Can it get more inaner?” The president himself was missing a hand, “A gift,” he claimed, “to my Craftsmen wood planer.”

    TAGS:  Bob

As Bob signalled the bartender for another beer, his eye fell on the stats and he realized with a shock that he’d been here for almost 1000 beers—hell, he’d died and talked to God and yet he always found himself back in the same damn bar—would he still be here after another 1000—or 10,000—would he ever be free?

    TAGS:  Bob, beer

Out of slightly bloodshot eyes, Bob noticed the box score debit some 46 sentences and fighting back the tears, he turned around to the bar and announced, “Let us all have another drink and observe a moment of silence for the passing of Goliard… and let us hope that like always seems to happen to me, God or the Devil kicks her comely ass out and she finds her way back here where she belongs.”

    TAGS:  Bob

Bob Fries :: Keith

“What a waste!” thought Bob, as he contemplated all the years he’d spent not knowing how to fry chicken.

    TAGS:  Bob, fried chicken

Bob’s Goals :: Keith

Like anal retentive hope, Bob’s goals spring eternal in an impossible, but organized manner.

    TAGS:  Bob, anal retentive, hope

Bob’s Politics :: Keith

Bob’s favorite part of the political process was that politicians always got old, died, and eventually forgotten.

    TAGS:  Bob, politics

Bob’s haircut :: 'mouse

Bob wondered why his name was attached to a cute, short haircut for women when it would be more appropriate if it referred to a wispy, greying comb-over look for men.

    TAGS:  hair, Bob, haircuts

Bob reminesces :: 'mouse

Bob smiled wanely at the baby in the woman’s lap on the other side of the waiting room and remembered when he used to play with little Bob, Jr.’s toes: This little Bob went to market, and this little Bob stayed home; this little Bob had roast beef, and this little Bob had none; this little Bob cried “wee-wee-wee” all the way home!

    TAGS:  Bob, baby, toes

Every time Bob washes his jeans, he carefully stashes a $20 bill in the pocket, getting great secret pleasure from his flirtation with the dark underworld of money laundering.

    TAGS:  Bob

Grammarma :: Keith

Bob prided himself on his untainted grammarma.

    TAGS:  Bob, word play

Bob Eyed :: Keith

Bob eyed the creature of habit, unsure of his next move.

    TAGS:  Bob, creatures, uncertainty

Bob’s Mothers :: Keith

Bob had been both loved and hated by the various mother-in-laws he’d had over the years; he’d had similar experiences with house cats.

    TAGS:  love, Bob, cats, hate, mother-in-laws

bad eye day :: 'mouse

Bob looked at the reflection in the mirror, contemplated the blackish-purple, sighed, and said to himself, “It’s going to be another bad eye day.”

    TAGS:  Bob, black eyes

Bob Yearned :: Keith

Bob secretly yearned for an eraserless world.

    TAGS:  Bob, odd, yearning, erasers

Bob Longs :: Keith

The realization that death was but a step in attaining a higher state of being was, of course, great comfort for most, but Bob often found himself materializing along the edges of the collective, so that he could secretly long for the touch of bare, smooth skin, held tightly against his body that had now also become nothing more than memory.

    TAGS:  death, Bob, reincarnation, touch, longing

Bob Evolves :: Keith

Based on conversations with a local animal psychic, Bob was made aware of the fact that ducks have a propensity to lean towards evolution for an answer, rather than faith, and tend to believe that all creatures will, if given enough time, eventually evolve into ducks; oddly enough, this “end of the line” type of evolutionary thinking, Bob realized, is shared by most cats and many humans, which left him in quite a pickle - was he turning into a duck or a cat, or was he already as good as he could get?

    TAGS:  Bob, ducks, duck - the bird, faith, evolution, dilemma, psychics

Bob Flies :: Keith

When you add the three hours spent sitting in the plane, waiting for the mechanics to fix something that they eventually find out they can’t, to the one hour waiting for another available plane to fly you from Dallas to Portland, to the four hour flight and the eventual one hour drive home, Bob thought he’d be able to remember the Tacoma weather story that the woman sitting next to him on the plane had told him no less than five times during their many hours together, but fortunately, when Bob finally woke up the next morning in his own bed, he’d forgotten nearly everything.

    TAGS:  Bob, weather, airplanes

“I never once had murder in my heart,” Bob would later tell the police, “but I think it might be accurate if we say I was murderously grumpy.”

    TAGS:  Bob, murder

coming home :: hysterium

Bob hadn’t returned to his old neighborhood in years but was reminded why he left when he saw that Mrs. Klein was still sporting her 1960’s style bouffant.

    TAGS:  Bob, 1960s, bouffant, neighborhood

A heavy load :: grudknows

Bob, tired of toting the past around with him decided to leave it on the side of the road, assuming that like hard rubbish, the college kids and ‘just moved out of home’ brigade would sift through the pile and take home what they could use.

    TAGS:  Bob, baggage, heavy load, letting go, past

Bob wanted back all the time he had spent untangling filament-thin bracelets and necklaces for other people.

    TAGS:  Bob, generous, filaments, resentful, untangling

Bob shops :: pam

They say that, as a rule of thumb, health-conscious omnivores should not select food products that would perplex one’s great-great grandparents (were one somehow able to drive one’s ancestors to the supermarket); this notion would have made sense to Bob at the moment he paused in front of the Cheetos display, and distinctly heard in his internal ears the derisive shrieking of Ukranian fishwives.

    TAGS:  Bob, food, food truths, fishwives

“As long as you’re in there,” said Bob, “could you look for my sense of humor?”

    TAGS:  Bob, lost and found, sense of humor

Bob simmers :: pam

Bob wasn’t one to wallow in the frightful prospect of ‘global warming’; it was bad enough just to consider ‘NorCal warming’.

    TAGS:  Bob, wallowing, simmering

Bob LOL :: pam

The office jest of calling Bob’s journal an “analog blog” was mercifully short-lived, but served to warn him that the others might be sneaking peeks.

    TAGS:  Bob, blogging, journals, peeking

Henry’s plan to have his sick friend Bob sneeze on his IRS papers before he gave them to the taxman may or may not have gotten the taxman sick, but it definitely turned into instant bad karma when Henry caught Bob’s cold.

    TAGS:  Henry, Bob, karma, IRS, taxes, sneeze

Bob skulks :: pam

No matter how many times Bob happened to walk by the mailroom, the crew did not offer him a slice of their birthday cake.

    TAGS:  Bob, cake, skulking

Bob boogies :: pam

“I once thought I had the boogie fever,” yelled Bob in the direction of his gyrating companion, the sound of his voice lost to the thumping bass, “but the doctor gave me the news - it was just a bad case of loving you.”

    TAGS:  Bob, boogie fever, song lyrics, gyrating, word pay

The only piece of good news was their mode of travel: teams of replicated, genetically-modified Pterodactyls would airlift old SUVs, while passengers steered using a bio-interface that resembled an old Commodore 64.

    TAGS:  Bob, time travel

Barter :: pam

Bob for apples; Tillie and her cat Peanut for pumpkins.

    TAGS:  Bob, apples, bartering, pumpkins, Tillie

“Not one of those tattoo guys knew how to dance - and this damn thing isn’t coming off at all,” complained Bob, rubbing at the new dragon.

    TAGS:  Bob, tattoos

Although they were slightly outnumbered, Henry and Bob thought they could take the three—Henry would fight that wormy, good-for-nuthin’ Truth, Bob would roll up his sleeves and go nose-to-nose with that self-righteous bastard Justice, and American Way, if things went as Henry and Bob imagined, would just stay out of the fight because, well, it was American Way—but when Truth and Justice’s sad little overweight friend wandered off three minutes into the scuffle, only to return hefting an old, dented up aluminum baseball bat, the two men weren’t quite so sure.

    TAGS:  Henry, Bob, hats, friends, baseball, justice, fight, truth, self-righteous, overweight

Oh, Hell :: 'mouse

As Bob stared worriedly at the flames licking up towards the edge of the precipice, Henry showed up with a couple of weiners and two sticks, one of which he proffered to Bob.

    TAGS:  Henry, Bob, fire, precipice

spy bot :: grudknows

Bob looked at the line up of birds and he paraded up and down with a seeming casual air which was betrayed whenever he turned suddenly and yelled “BOT!” at an unsuspecting bird.

    TAGS:  birds, Bob, betrayal, startle, unsuspecting

“Buses are like life, because when you look at it, all buses are late, really; all buses are on time; all buses eventually go to the garage,” Bob explained as they reached the kiosk, inadvertently punctuating his message by sitting on a wad of gum.

    TAGS:  Bob, life, philosophy, buses

Boboffo Bob got his nickname during a tequila-fueled night of palindromic madness.

    TAGS:  Bob, palindrome

undaunted :: boot

Henrietta stormed into the pub, pushed Bob off his bar-stool, slapped Juan in the face, threw a pint of perfectly good beer at Henry’s trousers and shouted “Pay attention to me!”

    TAGS:  Henry, Bob, beer, Juan, Henrietta, undaunted

Bob trades up :: pam

Like the White House china, Bob’s first marriage had been changed out in the 80s for something just as servicable, yet newer and almost imperceptibly more elegant.

    TAGS:  Bob, 1980s, marriage, china, White House, elegant, imperceptible

Aloicious wondered when the curious people would start appearing in Club Alphabet, as he ordered another round of ‘in their honour’ cocktails -- Juan, Miss Jane, Bronwyn, Becky, Henry, Bob!

    TAGS:  Henry, Alphabetti Spaghetti, Becky the Harlequin, Bob, Miss Jane, Bronwyn, Juan, Club Alphabet

To keep the afterlife from being overrun with Bobs, God extended the Bob hunting season by three days, which is a long time in heaven, especially if your name is Bob.

    TAGS:  Bob

Sure he had time on his hands, Bob thought, but it was a cold night and he would have preferred gloves.

    TAGS:  time, Bob, gloves

a trail of Bobs :: boot

You just know they’re up to something.

    TAGS:  Bob, suspicious

Bob meanly smoked his juice!

    TAGS:  Bob

Bob unrhythmically embarrassed his dipstick.

    TAGS:  Bob, bogus scrines, dipsticks, weirdness, randomness

Real Classy :: 'mouse

"Yeah, sure, your black truffles on eggs are okay, but never forget, Velveeta is a man's best friend," Bob quipped as we drank our morning coffee.​

    TAGS:  Bob, truffles, Velveeta


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