When I close my eyes the lights goes out just like in my refrigerator; also, we both enjoy having food put inside us.

Don’t even get me started on the so-called colour that is beige.

Just when you think you can’t possibly loathe them any more, they go and get all nice at you.

Juan stood on the bridge, flexed his metaphorical wings and then dove, wondering, but not really caring, if metaphorical wings could support a corporeal body or if only his spirit would take flight.

They met as best friends, they parted as strangers, which isn’t pessimism, they just fell off of a roof, and couldn’t remember each other when they started walking towards their opposite’s house.

Mark peeled back the film cover, quarter-turned his semi-frozen patty, puched in the 3-3-0 and hit ‘Start’, though he felt like he’d always been there, tethered to a chair then ‘ding’ went his salsbury steak and epiphany; “I have metaphorical wings but this cage is quite real.”

“Women terrify me,” Zak confessed to his friends one night over beer and football, “but goodness, am I a masochist.”

“Thank goodness for underage sex,” Phil bursted out one day at his local diner after mentally assessing his life over a bad cup of coffee, “because without it, you wouldn’t have a froody guy like me!”

Like a cat, I will not slink from my hiding place if I hear any strange voices in the house.

Right up until his early, forced retirement, Professor Katto believed that cutting the ears off a live cat was the best way to get the attention of an auditorium full of middle school students.

Victor knew that there must be a better way when he shelled out one hundred and thirty nine dollars and ninety-nine cents, plus tax, for a dorm room refrigerator, but his mathematical mind couldn’t come up with one, so he resolved to just be happy that he’d always have a cold pillow to sleep on now.

Screaming expletive after expletive into your mobile phone for over 30 minutes no doubt adds excitement to your otherwise dull train trip, but it does mean you are going in my top ten of firsts.

“I know this client is seven shades of batshit crazy and I promised I was not going to deal with batshit any more,” sighed Juan over his Guinness, “but each time I’m ready to fire her, some crazy gem of truth gleams through the guano and gives me hope of putting on a case… and so far her checks haven’t bounced.”

Screaming at me may have made your day a little better, but it does mean I spend the rest of my day plotting your ultimate demise.

Cyan almost sounds too nasty to be a colour.

Rosie finally gave up on people and, whistling out of tune as she did so, prepared the bubbling solution that would permanently change her into a Bear.

Where’s a Guinness swilling mate when you need one?

Mee-ma nursed her mamossa, left eye-brow raised, ready, aim, fire; “Mindy, you’re such a fine dancer; it’s a shame you only do it up and down a pole for Japanese business men.”

Henry jokingly told the woman at the DMV the story of how his car had broken down, and how on his walk home that night he’d lost his wallet and how someone had found it but stolen all his money, his debit card and driver’s license; the woman at the DMV appreciated Henry’s story so much that she felt sad it should end and calmly informed him that he’d gotten old and would need to see an eye doctor for glasses before the state would issue him a new license.

When government falls down on the job, we create new governments of our own.

You’ll need your 1092-A “catbox is full” form as well as the 1087-B “feed me chicken” printout.

Juan awoke with a start and the fistful of hundred dollar bills evaporated.

Mike liked to parade around in his bikini underwear as if his package was pretty special, which his wife found exceedingly pathetic, since she knew it didn’t work.

His hands shook, and sweat beaded on his brow to slide agonizingly slow down his temple, his cheek - it was because of him that Julius had remained undaunted, it was because of him that this friend, this man he loved was here at the Senate, rumors that had been turned down, lies that had been told… it was because of him that Julius’ eyes were fixed on his in solemn resignation, waiting only the inevitable… gripping the knife tight, Marcus steeled himself for what must be done.

The hit and run on a parked car in my neighborhood produced a mob; instead of pitchforks and torches there were kids on scooters and a festive holiday atmosphere.

“I can’t wait for lunch tomorrow so I can have a corned beef sandwich.”

They say that kids these days are no longer learning to read and write in cursive; pissing our names in the snow may soon be a lost art.

Putting eco-friendly timer-lightswitches in the office bathrooms seems like a good idea until it’s you sitting there along in the dark with your pants around your knees.

In any gathering of St. Bernard owners, he whose pants are without dog slobber is the pretender.

I am haunted by the ghost of John Mayer.

If nature abhors a vacuum, who am I to disgust nature by cleaning?

Despite its clock having been gently sprung forward for daylight savings time, Juan’s furnace refused its duty of turning on ten minutes before he was to get out of bed.

“Why, sure it does, ” he insisted; “Mud rhymes with fun, so that’s what we’re having and covered in.”

Being with him is like hurtling through space without a net; it’s kind of fun.

“Lets go out,” they said, followed by a cursory “you’ll have fun.”

It was too shiny not to be seen ever so gently slide into his back pocket; in fact, the only thing brighter in the room was his boss’s red, red face.

I guess the big scratch in my glasses is better than having that nail in my eye.

Then there are those kids who seem like they’ll just be happier when they’re adults.

“No one will find out,” said the owner of the oldest funeral home in town, “that I’ve been responsible for the deaths - they’re paying me to kill people, do their autopsy and I get to dispose of the body in front of them all.”

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Yes, I are a good good reader o’ copy.

A cat is allowed one moving deduction per year on their return as long as they were forced from the keyboard or lap.

Contrary to popular belief, a cat cannot deduct funeral expenses from their return if it is one of their own nine lives.

Hello, my name is OhNo, I’m with the Federal Census Bureau, and I’d like to ask you a few questions.

Telegraphy is one of the many economical arts concerned with the non-superfluous use of words and doses of plainspokenness and brevity that may induce literary suicide STOP

Every Saturday Odin, Thor, Freyr, Heimdall, and Loki get together and play poker together at the Ragnarök casino, Heimdall and Loki, without fail, slay each other, and there are many laughs to be had.

I think lots of people would like to watch a Flowbee vs. Robocut reality television show.

It’s exhausting being the only one holding up the sky.

Henry suspected the gypsy woman was a fraud when she told him she saw a new alternator in his future, but she assured him she wasn’t and to prove her sincerity invited him to dine with her and her brother, who, Henry was surprised to find out, was his mechanic.

When the car wouldn’t start last night, walking home the four miles in the dark seemed like a fine idea, full of independence and self-sufficiency, but when the police tracked me down this morning and handed me back the wallet I’d apparently lost along the way, minus my driver’s license, debit card, and the last of my cash, I found myself at first wishing I could retrace my steps, go back in time somehow and stop it all from happening, but then I started wondering about that hobo who’d made off with my identification, and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for him because I knew it was only a matter of time before he found out what a chore it was being me.