The chief scrubbed at the stubborn black substance that covered the vacated apartment’s bathroom floor, wondering if maybe he’d discovered a woman who did something by producing spores, like reproduce or sweat or make his life harder.

“Maybe you’re not the most useless secretary in the world,” Milton the Bastard told the woman, “but if you keep letting those tears hit the floor I’m going to change my mind; now, lean over the ficus and do us all a favor.”

It was a dark and stormy morning and Tammy could practically taste fall in the air.

Every morning, Juan chose to forget his actions the night before and instead spend a few happy morning minutes enjoying the warm glow of proof there was a God and she loved him—a pot of hot fresh coffee which magically appeared at 6:03 a.m.

The rapture took anyone with empty pockets and moths in their wallet.

When the wolf is knocking at the door, don’t assume it will answer truthfully when you ask, “Who’s there?”

Little did he know that he had just walked in to an interview - not for the cashier’s position at Abercrombie & Fitch, but instead the mostly nude model who stands in the front.

Marriage means always telling your wife she is pretty, even if she looks like a truck.

Cats have a pretty damn good life but frankly I am happy bathing myself with my tongue safely in my mouth, thank you very much.

We get it, you graduated from Princeton, but that doesn’t automatically make you the smartest person in the room, although you were taught to think so.

I know the world wouldn’t be a better place if we turned back time and Bruce Jenner decided to have a sex change after winning Olympic gold in the 70s, but at least I’d have better memories of his terrible hairdo.

She looked upon all things and assessed them according to their potential as pie filling, much as in her teenage years everything looked like a potential bong.

Tonight’s special at the Donner Party Cafe is Tea Party Diversity Chitlins, served with fried okra.

All day I have lain in this field of poppies dreaming of Ophelia, above me in the marmalade sky her face peeks out behind cotton candy clouds salaciously winking at me as if to say I will never have her – not if I laid here in this intoxicating field for a million years.

Armed only with a cell phone and carrying a locked case whose combination I didn’t know, I instructed the border guards that I would enter precisely at the time I’d been instructed to enter, then informed the two confused men that they now had roughly five minutes to make the right decision.

What is it about churchgoing Christianity that gives people a license to behave in the most extreme mean and petty ways?

Time stutters and jolts, an eternity in every moment, endlessly repeating Friday afternoon at around 4:30 tick tock tick tock tick tock

Ingredients: standard level enemy, upgrade hatred active ingredients (trolls, flame-wars, queue-jumpers, taxmen) tower (suitable for looming on dark and stormy nights), cape.

“God I hate when I visit and have to pretend the neighbor’s ugly, mean, nasty little kitten is cute; I HATE that cat, and I never thought I’d say that about any cat.”

The older I get, the larger my nose grows.

The Garden of Eden was obviously fraught with peril; if it hadn’t been the snake and the apple, anything could have happened, like poison ivy or lemon juice squirting in their eyes.

At first it seemed disgusting that their god sweated fresh roasted coffee, but once he’d carefully explained to them the convenience of such a miracle, they worshipped him with even greater fervor.

If you sound like a duck, you may also look like a duck, if you look like a duck some people may step away from you when you get too close due to their duck phobias.

If you quack, you sound like a duck.

Flouncy hair does not make you a rarefied beauty.

“It does no one any good if she looks like a strip of crisp bacon.”

With her confirmation to the U.S. Supreme Court, Justice Fantastico’s superhero identity and quotidian identity officially merged, saving her a fortune in stationery costs, although, regrettably, her dry-cleaning bills would remain high.

Check the pear when you get up,
depress a sleepy thumb into the ripening flesh
around the stem
hope for a bruise on the neck,
nope, not today.

This morning Lucky Leprechaun came up to me and said: “Caleb, some days you have to take the good with the bad - the marshmallows with the jesus fish-shaped fiber thingies.”

In Intro. to the Sea Narrative, I learned that ninjas trump pirates every time.

It doesn’t matter how much you rationalise it away, sometimes ire gets the better of you.

As Patsy got older, she realized there were times when the Emperor actually did have clothes, but she was the only one who couldn’t see them.

Some days you forget the face under the mess of beard and Sweet Baby Ray’s Barbecue sauce - on those days it is best to get out of the house.

The person that I think I am, and the person that I actually am are currently at odds with the person that I tell people I am, and let me tell you - it’s going to be a brawl.

I KNOW that baren, a tool used in Japanese print making, is a word - I suspect that you are just jealous, but come on, you didn’t need to mess up my triple word score.

When people meet me, it’s the worst day of their lives.

Even the teller believes a lie if he tells it enough.

“If she’d rather not know, then she shouldn’t go through my pockets and my wallet,” growled Harvey at the bartender, who had perfected the look of sympathy-but-not-necessarily-agreement so critical to his trade.

“Birds are generally not viewed by people as having a great deal of personality or smarts, I believe that because of this perception seeing a bird with human characteristics and personality traits may seem more unusual or even more interesting to a viewer.”

Life is like a summer thunderstorm over Orlando - short, refreshing, and can catch you without an umbrella at the worst of times,

I have at least reached an age that means I am the answer to life, the universe and everything.

I’m sorry that I can’t afford a Ferrari, but that don’t mean I can’t get you there.

I know you want to do more, but it’s over.

He’s much shorter than I expected…I mean, if he really hung the moon, then he should be taller, right?

Every day that I miss you is a another day further away from myself.

I miss you a lot…a little bit…sometimes.

I had a great Scrine in my head on the drive home…

When writing a book about the history of shame, keep in mind that editors are not historians and will undoubtedly have trouble understanding why every chapter must begin with a man with his pants down around his ankles.

I don’t know what it is about the cool night air . . .

doesn’t know what he wants to do next; struts around with his guns concealed in silk shirtsleeves and makes extravagant speeches about his humility, while i sit in the corner and wonder how i’ll feed my children next week.