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I have seemed to my bosses to be a hard worker, just by virtue of my sitting at my desk all day.
When I die, I hope that no one finds the q-tips that I couldn’t find a trashcan for.
Thank god I remembered to pluck my unibrow before I went to the dentist this morning.
I knew I stopped Scrining for a reason.
I saw that.
I wish they would have robbed me while I was here. I would have done something intentionally stupid to get myself killed.
I’ve finally joined facebook, and now i feel a little dirtier…
I still love listening to Tommy James and the Shondells
My joy and my sadness are both contributed to you.
I once SANG to a mannequin in the lingerie department. You would too if you saw her bedroom eyes.
I’d rather read than sleep.
I once sang to a mannequin in the lingerie department.
Can’t a man look at fully clothed pretty women on the internet without masturbatory intent?
Members of my household without fair warning use my personal computer, and will, now and then, walk away scarlet.
I am jealous of my children’s perfect little lives.
White Russians are dangerous - not the people, the drink.
I always get a little angry when my sex dreams don’t make it past second base.
I figure it was okay to have a sex dream about the married woman, because in the dream her husband gave his approval.
I was once the subject of a man’s lust, and am now a bit leery of gay pride festivals.
I, like the last confessor, like girls - only, perhaps, a bit too much for my own good.
I like girls.
He called me a hipster, so I threw my soy latte at him.
I just ate a roach.
I’m awash in free-floating anxiety for no good reason.
I recently bit my tongue so hard it damn well bled.
The game is rigged.
I said “don’t have no” in the confessional. I’m an English major. Something is definitely wrong.
I’ve decided it is time to seek professional help…Too bad I don’t have no faith in the professionals.
I wish I talkt purty.
I love the music of the Tremeloes
I may be becoming a Lady Gaga fan.
My compatriots make fun of my exemplary grammar and word choice.
I just finished the last of the Halloween candy (May 21).
I stole a pen just now.
I am intolerant of people who cross roads carelessly, yet far too frequently I do it myself.
It’s not you, it’s me.
Confessions might be good for the soul, but not so good as cake. Soul cake anyone?
I owe the library thirty dollars they’ll never see, because now I’ll just buy my books.
Drunk bicycling late at night is awesome - Irish cream and hot coco, short sleeved shirt, winter.
I am so furry I have been mistaken for both a werewolf and a bear.
The more you pressure me to do something, the less likely I am to do it.
Once each season, I get realize I don’t deserve this.
I guess it’s bad that I’m 19 and my girlfriend is 16(almost 17).
I’m really…really…really…really terrified of robotic computers taking over the planet, and Steve Jobs being the ruler of the universe.
I was at a used book store and saw The Rocky Horror Picture on sale…so I bought it….but have yet to ever actually watch it.
I didn’t want to make it a firefight, but last night when the flaming arrow crashed through my roof and landed in my bed- it was game on.
I was raped last weekend by a friend’s son. I don’t think I’m okay.
I grocery shop when I am drunk. I wake up pleased with my selections.
I can’t use a toilet in a store/restaurant that I didn’t buy something in or don’t plan on buying something in on the same trip which I need to use the facilities.
I forgot Keith appreciation day this year.
I also rearrange the groceries my companions place in our shopping cart.
I rearrange the dirty dishes in the dishwasher when nobody’s looking.
Also - and I may have confessed this before - I cannot buy fewer than three items at the grocery store. Whenever I need just two things, I walk around until at last I find a third.
I can only eat Smarties candies 3 at a time.
To my boss who was angry at my 30 minute tardy….despite your anger, and for the record, last night was TOTALLY worth it. Just sayin…good day.
I’ve never done anything wrong, except for that one time, but we don’t talk about that… often.
I’ve had this hangover for three days and the only thing that makes it go away is alcohol.
I judge hot guys that wear really bad band t-shirts. It’s too ironic for my taste.
I often fantasize they all want to sleep with me.
I avoided a D.U.I. by making out with an officer in his patrol car.
I am the lyingest liar who ever told a lie and that’s the truth.
I overuse semicolons.
I give away or, eventually, throw away all the cheap chocolate I get given at Easter.
When I drink, I tend to put things in my mouth in a very bad way.
I hate how the guy who wouldn’t take no for an answer still texts me and tells me he misses me.
i’ve never really liked my grandmother’s cooking.
I was going to quit drinking, but then Spring break showed up. Oh well.
I haven’t loved my mother in a long, long time.
You can have my husband, but please don’t mess with my man.
Her long dark hair and pony tail totally turn me on.
I only took French hoping to impress him. Now I am failing and it is all for naught.
My friend really is a nice person, but sometimes, I want to tell her to suck it up and shut the hell up.
One of my earliest public lies was telling my fourth grade teacher I’d written the lyrics to Roger Miller’s “King of the Road.”
I slept with my brother in law when I was six months pregant, but only because my husband wouldn’t touch me.
My first cousin is a slamming hottie and she likes it when I spank her - we hope our parents don’t find out.
My first cousin is a slamming hottie and she likes it when I spank her - we hope our parents don’t find out.
If marijuana was legal I’d grow some next to my tomato plants.
I never liked the look of Mariah Carey, even if she does look like I could talk her into anything.
It’s a good thing the windows on this office building don’t open.
My mom doesn’t love me.
It took me about 30 years to start thinking Sheena Easton was hot.
Album names like “Rock Paper Scissors Dynamite” make me smile.
I slept with my brother’s girlfriend.
I drank the Kool-Aid.
I’ve never taken a taxi.
Mistakes were made.
I am SO ANGRY.
Sometimes I hide from the world and read.
I really can’t decide if it would be better to minimize the new things I do that I need to confess in 2010 or if I should set out to maximize confessable activity.
I smile and make friendly noises when my family gets up at 10am on the weekend, but secretly I think they’re a bunch of lazy sloths who’ve wasted the best hours of the day.
the beans made me really really gassy, yet i felt compelled to get a couple frozen burritos for later.
I’m extremely afraid that google is going to auto-fill or suggest I recover a recently-viewed redtube video at an really inopportune moment.
I’m going to try to give at least half the people at the Christmas party crabs.
I gave everyone at the xmas party lice.
I also robbed Peter to pay Paul. It is comforting to know that I am not alone.
I just robbed Peter to pay Paul.
I ate Santa’s cookies and drank his milk.
I’m a really forgiving pushover kind of person, but eventually if you only ever contact me when you need something from me, I’m going to notice and you’re not going to be my friend any more.
I blow all of my money on booze just so I don’t have to stay home alone.
I’ve never had a prostate exam and I’m so not looking forward to it that I may choose death over examination.
